Saturday, February 1, 2014

Am I the crazy one?

Sometimes I feel like the crazy one.  I've done so much sorting, analyzing, honest hard work on myself.  I mean, I've been brutally honest with myself.   Yep, Ive admitted that I'm a jerk.   Yep!  I have tried so hard, daily,  to be a better person, to say thank you to my husband when  he does trivial things for me, because it is important.  I try to think of things I "Should" be doing, for my own children.  Again, trivial things in life that later on in life, we think back upon and remember those trivial things with a smile.  I want to be happy, I want to be thankful, and I want to be appreciative.

So, I am happy.  I am thankful, and I am appreciative.  However at times when specific family members challenge me I find myself angry.   I dont like to be this angry, and I dont like to feel this way.  Yes, life is a challenge, I have no control over what others say and do.  I cannot control this family member, I have to remember this when I'm presented with a challenge.  I have to be clever, instead.

I communicate with family, probably too much.  I dont feel the need to hold back important feelings and issues, even though my husband thinks I should do just that.   However this family member feels she is "A Private Person" and on the other hand interrogates me, in a clever way, on a regular basis.

Hmmm....I just got a reality check this week.  I think I may have "FIGURED" this family member out! I think I know what shes doing, and why.  Maybe its the TV show "Medium"  I've been watching lately that has me thinking in a more clever way?  I get caught up in the same way of dealing with this family dysfunction.  Instead I need to react differently when asked, or interrogated as I sometimes feel.  I need to respond by saying "You tell me what is going on with you first" before I tell her anything about myself.  I think she may like to have it appear she is the helpful one, always helping poor family member like me.  In return I can do nothing for her, because she never tells anything, or reveals there is anything wrong.  For years, I have been in this tape recording loop with her, the same scene played over and over again.

This woman asks me more questions about my own grown children than I ASK THEM MYSELF!  WHY?   She does this, I believe to make herself, her own life seem OK.  She doesnt have to think about herself, her own woes, her messed up life, for lack of better term.

This family of mine, they are very good at deception.  They know how to "Keep up with the Jones'"  and make everyone believe all is fine in la-la land.

BAM!  I have struck.  I am not going to allow this any longer.   Everything is NOT OK.  It is not OK to interrogate me and my immediate family.  It is not OK to NOT share what is happening with your life,  family member.  I will NOW start asking you about WHY you have not been sleeping in the same room as your husband for the past 10 years, or however long its been going on!  BAM!  I will not pretend like your life is peachy keen.    And, if you want to know anything about me, you'd better start talking!  OR, we just wont have any relationship at all.

This somewhat ties into the whole craziness of my growing up time.  We all pretended that our family was OK.  For years my own family swept the craziness under the carpet, even flat out lied it ever happened years later.  We are now somewhat on the same page about what happened, we've lost some older members because they want to remain in that fantasy land.   I was treated like the crazy sister, the crazy aunt, the crazy daughter, for years.  It wasnt until just about 3 years ago that my niece and nephew found out about what really happened, and the reality of our lives.  Well, I doubt they really know the full truth, but close enough!    My family member seems to have told her own children lies, for years.  Made them believe, in a round about way, years of pretending, years of smoothing over ruffled edges, making them believe there was no alcohol abuse, no physical abuse, and that wonderful grandmother of theirs, she sat for over 10  years and allowed, watched this man she still calls her husband, terrorize me, physically abuse me.  Now, these two great kids feel sorry for this woman they call grandma.  Poor grandma, even though she "CHOSE" this life, even though she had no back bone to stop this man, and still allows him to abuse her today.   Funny how my kids feel differently.   Hmmm....wonder why?  Maybe its the years of crap we've taken from the grandma and grandpa.  I'd have to say the turning point was in 2002, when my own mother, when asked if we could stay with here for a short time to find a new place to live after losing our rental, told me to go live in a homeless shelter with me and my daughter heard her!   When asked about my husband, she basically said, who cares where he goes.  Or maybe just a short time ago, months before my dads stroke, on Mothers day.  Dad taking me out to the garage at my sisters house, me thinking he had something important to tell me.  Instead I was handed a hand written list, of items he and mom had purchased for me and my family.  Like birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, even money that was given.  Each of my children listed separately on his list.  I asked him, what is this?  In shock, I could hear my heart beating.   Once I realized he had no good answer, just some intimidation, and ugly words to make me feel less of a daughter.  I said you want me to pay you back this money, for presents you bought my kids?  He had no answer, and I walked away.  THIS is my nieces grandmother and grandfather.  And yes, the grandmother still goes along with this man, conspires with him, as she has always done.  The woman that never called me after I stopped bringing my child to her house in the mornings from far away.  She never once questioned why she never saw Austen again.  Then, just recently when discussed, she said she didnt know what I was talking about?  Really mom?   You had been my epileptic sons caretaker, my husband dropping him off some 2 hours away every day, yet when we stopped bringing him, you never questioned it?  Yet you have the nerve to tell me you knew nothing about your husband coming up to me on Austen's birthday and telling me, "Mary Anne's kids come first, find another person to watch Austen"  --  At my kids birthday party that ass tells me this.  Mom was sitting on the couch and acted like a beaten whimp, never had the guts to face me, yet instead lied about it years later, making me feel like the crazy one!

See the pattern, my awful "Fantasy land" pattern.  I have hoped and given these family members  different personalities, different histories.  Different realities, but it has to stop.  I cant pretend and continue in this deception that all is OK, and forgiven.  Because nothing has changed, my own mom is still being abused, denying that she is abused, or that she was his partner in this crime.  She still lies about what was done, and being done now.  I cannot change her, I cannot change how she feels inside.  I cannot make her love me, or my dad love me.  But I can focus on the fact that I always did want their love, and that I am worthy of it.  I just wish we could all sit down and be honest about WHATS REAL.  And stop pretending.   My niece posts a pic of her and my dad on Instagram.  I felt sick after reading her small description of her and dad.  Im still annoyed...they dont care for my dad, or maybe they have just been trained so well they just automatically write this la-la land, fairy tale "Fantasy" nonsense  that I've been conditioned to write and speak all of my life?

Fantasy for so many, hard to break the cycle.

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