Thursday, October 24, 2013

Dirty, disheveled girl...but obedient.

My sister and I were discussing the fact that my mom has somewhat lost it, which is why I told her about mom's comment about "Now your part of a family Cathy"

Her response was something like - I dont think she meant that, your just sensitive.

I'm sensitive?  Well, yeah.  Especially when my mom says insensitive stuff to me!

And why wouldnt I be sensitive?  And how would SHE feel if mom said to her, "Now your part of a family" at age 48?

Well, it would NEVER happen, because my sister was not adopted, I was.  And my sister doesnt feel how I feel, because she was not adopted.  AND my sister was not abused by my dad, because she was not adopted.  and, per my sister, she had a "Perfect" childhood.  Hmmm...well...we must have lived in different homes!

Im not mad at her, she just doesnt get it .  And its not her fault she was not adopted, just as its not my fault that I was!

I guess she thinks I should continue forgiving and somehow eliminate all of the things that mom says? Im sick of trying to be "Thick Skinned" and constantly processing what this woman says.    Its funny how she was confused when I told her that "SHE" had her mom, but it was not in the cards for me.  She already knows that I have been micro managing my mom since the time I was around 5.  I have been forgiving her and trying to win her affection and love most of my life.  But having said this, its taken its toll on our relationship.  Do we even have one?  Not really.  But I know my place, the #2 daughter, the obedient girl, the dirty, and disheveled one.

 I sat in mis-matched clothes.  Too big, and doughty looking, sometimes hand me downs.   Looking back I now know why I always made my own clothes once I learned to sew.  But I never quite felt put together.  I was punished for not "Liking" the clothes and shoes other people gave my parents.  One day my dad came home from work, saw these shoes next to the back door which I guess meant they were not being used.  He freaked out, hit me on the back of the leg with the bottom of these shoes which had a hiking type of bottom.  Left a huge bruise, somewhat bloody mark.  I guess this is why I have such a bitter feeling when it comes to how I look.  Its a life long struggle to somehow learn that I deserve to have nice things.  I am not mismatched, I am not defective.  They were the ones that had the problem, not being able to accept someone else's baby.

Tuesday, October 8, 2013

More trials and is but a test

Two weekends ago my sister and I went to visit mom to celebrate my sisters birthday.  

I am having Thanksgiving at my house this year, first time ever really.  So I thought while I'm at moms house I will grab all of my china from her garage.  My name is written on a lot of stuff out there.  So I just grabbed all that I could see.  Last Christmas said cute husband bought me a 1930's china cabinet we picked out together.  I'm too cheap, I wouldnt have bought it if he wasnt with me! ha!  So I've waited 27 years to display my beautiful china!  

I got home, it was around 11pm, I stayed up and unpacked all of it.  Unwrapped all of my grandmothers dishes from World War II.  My mom's mom I mean.   Along with my dads mothers china and some special items like cut glass perfume bottles and many other things dad must have brought back from the war.  

The next day came, mom called to see if I had a chance to unpack the stuff.  I told her oh yes, I stayed up until around 1am to unpack everything.  She seemed surprised and said "Oh" --  I told her that I realized while unpacking that I now have about 4 womens china in my cabinet.  That I told Steve my husband that it was absolutely amazing, he agreed.  Wait for it, here it comes...oh yes she did say it......

"Oh see now your part of a family Cathy"  

I respond, Uh........

"Oh I really wanted you"

Silence on my part....

I was at a loss for words....

My mom elaborated, went on about how lucky I was to get the china and said that possibly my niece, my SISTERS daughter may want the china but dad had put my name on the box.  I remember mom telling me years ago that I would get her mothers china...

I respond, Uh huh, well mom  I will share the china with my niece,  she can have it for awhile and we can all use it for special occasions.  I went on to tell her that I was planning on using the china for Thanksgiving.   

Incidentally I ordered another 8 dinner plates off ebay, won the bid so now we do have enough plates for everyone come Thanksgiving.  

Being adopted is so strange at times.  Mom saying that "NOW" I am part of the family left me feeling odd inside.  I was painting furniture when she said this, and now forever I will look at that piece of furniture and remember her words.  Funny how a person can be as old as 48 and still feel empty inside at times when someone such as your own mom comes up with possibly trivial words (to her) that can do so much hurt and damage inside.  

So I clicked on Netflix this morning, I have a little Mac in the kitchen so I can listen to movies or music while I cook.  What is up to play, "Lilo and Stitch" -- a cartoon movie.  Wow, was this planned by someone up there?  You know this movie incorporates adoption.  Stitch feels lost, screams out he is lost,  and Lilo tells him  "Ohana means family. Family means nobody gets left behind, or forgotten."    This part of the movie really is emotional for me.  So sweet and the face this little creature makes, I can identify with.

I feel like that little creature at times, like a lost little puppy.  Then I look around, see what I have created with my own family and I am shaken back into reality.  I am the mom now, I have control over my own life.  I just ordered 8 more Noritake Ridgewood dinner plates for Thanksgiving, and I am going to have such a nice Thanksgiving table this year. Probably spray some mini pumpkins silver to decorate the table.  Make cute little old fashioned flower arrangements.  I can always pick myself back up and move forward, focusing on the exciting things coming up in life.    Mom will enjoy seeing her mothers china this year!  

I dont like to wallow in sorrow for myself or focus too much on the cutting words that could possibly mean nothing to my mom really.  Possibly just a mess up on her part, loss of words, not being able to accurately tell me how she feels about me?  I like to think this is what makes her say such heartbreaking and cutting words.  

This is the furniture I painted and then stenciled: