Tuesday, October 13, 2015

Grown babies are not the same...

My birth mom had been texting me, nothing really earth shattering, just common things like she's working a lot, its hot outside, can't wait for the weather to change.  I was telling about my dad dying.  We were not talking about my (brother) but she did bring him up a bit, and the way she talked about him you'd think he was fine.  In the past she spoke about my (brothers) girlfriend, as though the situation was,  in my mind, normal.

Being the searcher that I am, and the information at everyone's fingertips via internet, I looked for myself.  If people do not make their social media "Private" it is open for the world to see. What I saw of my (brother) I did not like,  I don't think I am being cruel, just brutally honest.     I have to be honest, with myself about "What Is."  I went my entire life before getting married in fantasy land, even years after getting married.  Pretending that what was happening was not happening.  It still goes on to a point now, within my family.  But I cannot pretend that a person is wonderful when in reality they are not.  I searched and found that my (brothers) girlfriend is my youngest sons age.

Anyhow, back on topic.  My birth mom and I do not agree.  She feels other men are pigs  for dating super young women.  However she feels her son dating inappropriately  young women is perfectly fine.  We will never agree.

I started blogging years ago after dealing with my birth moms betrayal and years of her ignoring me, and a lot of wounds dealing with adoption and just life.   I really thought she'd want to know me, get another chance with me by being part of my children's lives, but in reality that was not the case.  She searched for me, paid someone to find me, and once she did, it was like she disappeared so to speak.  I have to be honest and say she did change, the woman I met in 1984 is not the woman in year 2015.   I really don't know her, she changed back around 1993, a lot of years lost.   I'd like things to be different, but they can't be changed, and unfortunately, she has no intention on changing.   She has chosen my (brother) and has decided to dig her heels in the sand and ignore me, my family, my children and I am guessing my own grandchildren when the time comes.

So this accident, of texting another woman named (Cathy) with a "k" was when I realized this recent texting was just so she had something to gossip about.  Anything and everything I had to say she was turning around like a teenager and gossiping about it.   When I texted her back and told her that I realized she accidentally texted me, her response was ridiculous, and its embarrasing reading her text.  She told her best friend (Kathy) that I had told her about my dad dying, and that I had some nerve telling her this when I have a blog about "Her."   Her text messages got ridiculous, after realizing she had made a mistake and whoops, texted me!   Here's our dialogue:

ME:  I'm guessing that was for the other "Cathy"

HER:  What?  Don't know...I got phone back now, Linda was using it.  She's in fight with her mom, she's controlling her life, $$ etc...They fight like cats & dogs...guess its the heat?

HER:  I'm getting on freeway, can't wait to get home sweating like a pig!

ME:: I do have a blog-its not about you, its about me and my experience & life.  If everyone was honest and faced what has been done and what has happened, there wouldn't be a big surprise I write this blog.  Its what has saved me dealing with everything.

ME:  You and I have had a strained relationship and you know why.  I am not the bad guy in all this, not one person is to blame.

ME:  I was around when your mom died and after - it shouldn't be so hard listening to my experience now - Im guessing you talk to non related people about life.

ME:  I do too - I also question why we are talking - its unfortunate that (my brothers) life has changed ours because I have not had a firm solid relationship with anyone - I understand how you feel for me is different.  Its expected.  But I also remember the old you - how you used to be, even the old (brother) which always gives me hope that maybe it can be fixed, be how it used to be.

ME:  IF that is wrong, I am wrong.

ME:  I don't want anything from you but probably what Ive always wanted which never happened, without going into a long explanation.  You know.  The things you never got from YOUR mom.

ME: Im a double loser, I've lost out on 2 moms, that is my cross to carry

ME:  And no I don't really have strong ties to anyone except Steve, and our 3 kids and my sister.  I have accepted that.  I am loyal to my parents and sister-no they are not perfect, nobody is, but I have more history with them growing up than I do you and (brother)

ME:: I would have liked it to be different - but its not and probably cannot be.  I'd love to have you come rushing to me with open arms, saying you were wrong and that you love me.  Yep that is what Id like, not very realistic but that is the truth

ME:  The anger over time is disappointment and realization I will never have a mom.  That is why I blog.  Its about me.  not you per-se - just as I am not that baby you lost .  I am not mad, just greatly disappointed.  I had a lot of dreams and hope.

ME:  Anyhow you don't have to keep talking to me, I get it.

HER:  I don't have a problem with you voicing your opinions, feelings & thoughts.  Your entitled.  Its really hot today & Im working so I can't really say much right now.  My client yesterday was having similar issues with her mom & daughter.  They all write about their feelings, thats how this was brought up.  Its more common than u think.  will TTYL

Anyhow, the weather seemed to be more important than anything.  Forget about how I feel.  We had a little conversation, and we discussed her brother that went missing in action, so I accidentally found pics of her other brother and their son who is now in college.  She had not seen pics of him in probably 14 years, so I texted her pics of him now.  She never did respond again,  the last text was August 29, 2015.

So the bottom line is,  I  endured one death after another.  Her dads death, then her moms death, then her brothers death, birth dads mom.    I went to all of their funerals.  Not a single one had a picture of me in the pictures that were posted at the funeral, just my brother!   My uncle  was homeless and living in a shelter, a prior heroine addict when he died.  I bought the food for the funeral, which is not the important thing, but the fact that I was involved was the important fact.

Now she is bitching that I have told her about the misery surrounding my dad dying, and she has the audacity to mimic me, yet talk nice to me in text?  Seriously?  Her mom had said to me when alive,  in a nasty voice and with a bitter look on her face, that "She did not owe me nothin" - this somehow escaped from her mouth, although it shouldn't have!  This was when I stopped to say hello to her on my way home from somewhere, before she died.  I never asked anyone in my birth family for money, for material items....just love and attention.   I sat with my birth mom after her mom had died, in the hospital, for probably 8 hours.  It was not fun, they had to leave the ventilator in her mouth, so it was a very heartbreaking experience for me, and I had never seen someone die before.

I wish I could understand where she is coming from.  I have made it very clear how I feel.  My brother is bipolar, has permanent brain damage from drug use, has severe OCD, panic disorder, and lives his life on the edge and is an addict.  He dates a girl old enough to be his daughter, who incidentally looks like a pole dancer, and has naked pics of herself on the internet for the world to see.  I am dreadfully embarrassed to admit this man is related to me.  As my oldest  son has said, my (brother) is a pervert, none of my kids can believe he dates little girls, I'm included in this!   My birth mom does not even know my kids, I don't think she even knows me.  She has lied about me, written letter to a (now x friend ) of mine, words she wrote I don't know that I can ever undo.  She has never apologized, said she is sorry, that she is wrong, and probably worse of all she has never said I love you, that I can recall.

I feel I deserve more than this, and I am lovable, and I am trustworthy.  Having said this, I cannot change her and my (brothers) life choices, and again, this is even a good example of how the "Adoptee" looks like the crazy one.  In their little cuckoo circle and altered reality they live in, I am painted as the crazy daughter who lies, that tells stories, and I would bet my own life that this woman I call my birth mom has lied to her friend "Kathy" about what has happened, and anyone and everyone who will listen to her.  I can guarantee I am painted as the crazy daughter, as she wrote my X Friend,  made me appear to be the mentally ill person and gave my (brother) my life.  He is the one that is supposedly living a normal life, with a wife and kids!!!!!  Hahahaha!  Even though he's never been married and has no children.

THIS IS HOW ADOPTION HAS ROYALLY MESSED WITH MY LIFE.  Non-adoptee's don't deal with this sort of thing, and probably the most shocking thing is SHE KEPT him and not me, and even after all these years, even after I have honestly lived a very genuinely good life, she paints me as the CRAZY GIRL!  The dirty, disheveled, tossed away girl, left on the side of the road, or in the shopping cart, that nobody wanted.

There it is, another angle of adoption that not everyone out there understands.  No resolution.

Monday, October 12, 2015

Reluctant to speak

I've come to a point in my life where talking about how I feel and helping others understand what its like to be in my shoes, is not worth it.   I end up looking like the crazy woman, who obviously has a large chip on her shoulder.  I feel that talking about things and being up front about my own feelings is important and has been a vital part of my journey, but now that I have said what Ive said over the years, its not making a difference.

When I say these words, "Family Preservation" its like I have just said something very wrong, like threatening world peace, or insulting a religion.  People in general have this idea, that adoption automatically equals insane happiness,  and the adoptee should feel thankful, lucky and sometimes appreciative to even be alive.  

I wonder if our world will catch up ?  Will people ever understand what adoption means?  Will they admit and openly discuss the fact that adoptee's really do lose their ancestry with adoption.  Their constitutional right to their birth records, and in reality, they are expected to lose their rights to free speech.  IF we do speak, we look like the crazy ones, because the general public, it seems everywhere in this world is still back in 1950 somewhere, lost in space with the entire adoption reality.

So here I am, age 50, and I am still afraid, somewhat reluctant now that I'm a bit older, to even speak out loud to anyone about the reality of adoption, the good and the bad.  My adoption experience, even in a random conversation.  I stop, think very hard about what I am going to say, if it will spark controversy, or will offend someone.  We had gone into this store where they sell facial products, my sister allowed them to put the product on her face, I waited by the door talking to some of the kids working there.  The one guy said to me, you are sisters, you don't look anything alike, and jokingly said, maybe she's adopted.  I said, well no, I am adopted.  He thought I was joking, and I confirmed, that yes I am.  Mom was standing in the shade, it was a very hot day, and they realized that sister looks like mom,  and they started asking more questions.  I felt very uncomfortable talking about who I am, as though it was wrong to tell them my ethnicity.  I whispered to them quickly, not wanting to upset my mom, not that she would be mad, it just seems to come up when people we've met see my sister and I together.  Its obvious, especially when they see mom and dad.  Most of the nurses with hospice who come to help dad mention that I don't look like either parent.  Its not that its wrong, or that its bad, it just uncomfortable for others!  haha!

Until this world gets on track, and starts admitting that its got a BIG problem, there is no reason for me to continue to beat myself up, and end up looking like the disturbed woman, the adoptee that most people do not understand.