Tuesday, May 17, 2011


How and why did I end up with this birth mom?  WHY?  I'm going to be 46 years old next month, and I still cant understand how I was born to this woman.  How is it possible?   It will be a cold day in hell when I betray any of my children.

Sure, I'm not perfect.  I make mistakes.  I've not been the perfect mother, friend, wife.  But who is talking about perfect?  Not me.  I'm merely saying this woman is like someone out of a horror flick.   How does she plot and plan against her own child?  What could be going through this woman's brain?

Friends ask me, "How did you end up so normal" --well, I answer,  "Maybe I'm not as normal as you think I am"  --Its taken me all these years to be able to not be spinning in circles, chasing my tail after learning what she has done, again.  I feel calm, but full of regret for even having any type of hope.

Monday, May 16, 2011


I sit here this morning,  with regret pouring from every crevice.  I should not have sent that e-card for Mothers Day.  That opened the trenches for revenge.   I'm always filled with hope, that people will change, see their wrong, and do right.  But this morning I'm filled with sadness, and regret.  I regret having that hope, and I'm angry with myself for allowing my heart to lead.

When will I learn?  She will never change, and her revenge and betrayal continue.  Its a game to her, just a mere game.  She has to win, I guess.  But when will she figure out that she has lost, so much.  A wonderful daughter with a spectacular husband and three beautiful grandchildren that are grown now, she has missed out on so much.

Fantasy birth mom, has definitely died.  And she does, only exist, in my mind.