Sunday, May 26, 2013

ADOPTION, the consuming life sucker

Adoption has sucked up so much of my life.  When you talk to the general public they react to adoption like its no big deal, real simple, something that happens in life.  They are severely disillusioned about the reality of it all.  If I decided to speak up and tell them about my experience, I would look like the crazy one when done talking.   Angelina Jolie came up because of her recent brave move to have a double mastectomy.  In talking about her, adoption comes up.  I want to blast her out of the water, and tell the others what I think about her stealing babies.  I choose my words wisely, I say something very reserved and safe.   I know the general public doesnt understand the reality of adoption!

Some actually think that being in reunion is a great thing, that by finding this family that relinquished us is a good thing, so wonderful.  How lucky I am to have a 2nd family.  They are in complete darkness as to how disabling this journey has been for me and I'd guess for so many others.  I agree it was great to know the genetics and family tree.  Very fascinating.   But cant I just have the facts, the pictures and data without all of the other nonsense for the past 30 years?  It would have been nice to be spared the years of mental torture and deep sadness and continued disappointments and repeated abandonment.  

My birth mom is a fraud, a con artist, a cheat, a liar, cannot tell the truth to save her own life.  She has chosen the dark side, so I call it when I want to make it all seem funny.  She is Darth Vader, I have joked for years to make it all seem bearable.  My birth brother is a cuckoo bird but a dangerous one.  In writing this today I realize how crazy it all really is!  

So that is the package deal.  This is the hand I was dealt, the precious gift I was given with reunion.  The slap in the face, the punch in the gut, the embarrassment, the shock .  How does a 20 year old girl deal with this?  Apparently its ended up taking me all these years to actually process and escape it all, until the age of 48.   To be able to say this beautiful morning, that I am OK.  That I do not have to accept these people as my family.  My family is my husband and my children.  I choose to be happy, I choose to have only positive and happy people in my life, regardless of who they are.  

What a crazy, emotional and drama filled ride I've taken.  So many issues to resolve, to be able to be "ME"  --I could have just buried it all, swept it under the carpet, but I would not be this version of "ME" by doing so.  I'd be a pissed off "ME" or a miserable "ME" or worse, a divorced "ME" if I could not figure it out.  Yes, this is how adoption can be disabling and the destroyer of a lot of things.  

 Adoption has altered my life experiences a lot.   By being open and honest about it, by going to therapy I have survived adoption.   I dont speak about this a lot any longer even with my husband, because we already both know how I feel and the reality of it all.  We kind of have all the answers, everything has been discussed.  If something comes up about it, we both just nod at each other.   We  know what the other is thinking.  

But how about those unfortunate souls that cant for whatever the reason break through all of this?  Years of abuse, cruelty and dysfunction are hard to process.  Both my birth family and adoptive family are not "Fixed" -- I'm the one that is fixed.  Its been a huge undertaking, a project to sort out all of the issues, there are so many.  I sat last night and read through my blogs for the first time.  WOW, I cant believe how much blogging has helped me!  Writing down my feelings and posting them really does work.  Its OK if nobody says a word to me about what I think and feel.  The point is, what I blog about is real and its how I feel.   I dont want to argue.  

I've written in the past, does it all really matter anyhow?  Yes it matters to me, and my husband as well.  Because all of this hogwash, for lack of better term, really happened.  It happened to me, for most of my life.  But without looking at it straight in the face, by tacking it, the best and only way I knew how, has saved ME.  I am OK, and I like ME.  I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.  Truly happy.  I enjoy the small stuff and I can "usually" be around my family without as much upset.  

  I want to be better , I want to listen to others more clearly, I want to be less cautious and careful about life.  Because of my experiences with adoption and family, I tend to be more cautious with people, I dont listen as well as I should.  Its hard to explain, but I think it could be because I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing, I get caught up in being careful about what I may say, so I have a hard time listening.   I dont have anxiety, or depression, so I guess its some sort of disconnect I have.  I guess years of being silenced and being afraid to speak the truth and my own opinion has taken its toll on my social skills.   Not to mention the fact that I was given the family gift of being psychic or whatever you want to call it.  Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but its true.  Long family line of clairvoyant folks.  My great great grandfather was a MD and psychic all in one back in the old country of Lebanon.  See, this is the interesting stuff I was happy to know.  I also gave this gift to my two sons.   Another issue I have to tackle in life.  I dont have as many friends because of this family gift, I sometimes think its a burden of knowing things I dont want to know.  I guess this really is the main reason why I struggle when meeting people and why I have a difficult time listening.  Im too busy getting signs and signals other ways.  hahaha!   I know it all sounds unbelievable, but it is unfortunately true.  And why I say my birth mom has gone to the dark side, its an inside joke, she too is clairvoyant/psychic, I got it from her.  But she does not use it to her benefit and for the positive, which is why I call her Darth Vader.   And by not being good, she has lost the abilities to a point. 

I will end this here, and hope that I can continue to be a better person, mother, daughter, sister and friend.  And, someday I hope to find a school to sharpen my skills and use them in a positive way!