Thursday, July 28, 2011

Is my heart still beating, am I still breathing?

I usually dont speak of my birth mom.  Sad to say that my mom seems to be the topic of discussion these past few weeks.

Is a mothers love and affection so drastically different from mom to mom?  Or is it really about the way they feel about the child?

Isnt there some unwritten law,  some  code which mothers have to live by?  Us moms give the best bite to our children, you know when you have an amazing sandwich, or great piece of pie, or theres only one piece left, our children always get it.  We take the worst piece of chicken, or none at all if there isnt enough.

I may need to be hit over the head with a frying pan to understand and comprehend that some mothers just dont live by this code.   Is this some sort of a sick joke, or some test that I have yet to pass?  I have come to the conclusion that God is testing me.  What I'd like to know is, have I passed?  And if not, how much longer will this continue?  Can I be given notice beforehand, so I can pass?  Just to stop this cruel reminder that I am not loved and cared about the same as my counterpart.

Adopted, or not, should not matter, right?  If you answered "doesnt matter" then try to explain how and why an adoptive mom "mom" could turn her head to the adopted child, and not her birth child.  Help the birth child, and not the adopted child, when in all honesty, both children are good moms, good people in general.  What I'm saying is, the adopted child isnt some reject, or felon, or drug addict standing on the street corner, nor is she a thief,  or taken advantage of her parents and has always been there to help both parents in sickness, etc.

I have to stop caring, which I doubt will happen, or I have to stop talking to her as much as I do.  I have to re-think my actions.  I have to remind myself that she is not now, nor has she ever been the mother I wanted or needed.  Maybe this is the test?  To be able to tolerate this woman, accept what I will never receive from her, and be OK about it.  To somehow not be painfully hurt every time she turns her back in my time of need.  But, does this still make her my mother?  If she doesnt follow this unspoken code that us mothers follow?  Or is she just a woman, who has someone elses baby, that she was unable to fully love the same as her own?   I have to be clear about this, so I can choose the right path and stop being crushed every time she disappoints me.  My husband is certain she is just that, a woman who calls herself my mother, but doesnt feel the same way about me as she does my counterpart, her birth child.  I have to point out this is not my counterparts fault.  Is it anyones fault, really?  Adoption has failed me, as I'm sure it has failed many others.