In analyzing my relationship with my own daughter I realize all that I have missed with my own mom. I mean I already knew there were major differences, its just that life happens, and we live it, and then one day we say, hey, wait a minute! Hold on! Im not even going to enter my birth mom into this mix. The birth woman has never said "I love you" or tried to be part of my life, or acted like any mother I've known.
I could sit here and type all of the things I did not get. And all of the good things I did get.
But its not about the stuff. Its about the feelings associated with the good stuff, those special moments, the wonderful memories you remember your entire life. And, the feelings associated with the yuck, ugly stuff.
One of the major differences between my sister and I. She adores my mom, I see it all the time. She has actually made comments about how lucky we are to have such a great mom. I sit in silence, no real response for her. Sure she's a pretty darn good person. But apparently we've had different mothers all these years!
Notice I said person, not mom. She is a good person. She just isnt the greatest mom to me. I'd have to say in all honesty, being brutally honest, that she has been a pretty good mom to my sister. Wow, that was hard to admit.
What does this mean? Does she not like me as much as my sister? Or did she not bond with me the same as my sister? I dont know the real answer, only how I feel and what I have observed most of my life. I dont think she is aware of this so I doubt I will ever get an answer.
Carrying a baby for all those months, childbirth and bonding. All of these things make a difference. So you have your baby, the baby looks like your family....another difference. Similar personalities, another difference. Oh, and I always hear from people, a story about their own family, how this sister or brother was so different and didnt look the same or act the same as them or anyone in their family. Uh, yeah, but nope, that brother or sister had his/her mom, right? So...the point is...it is not the same.
I feel this difference all the time. Its like the family dance I'm not part of, that I've blogged about before. They are all speaking a language I dont understand. I dont have the same feelings for my mom that I have for my own daughter and the urgency and bond with mom as I do with my own children. I realize I am the daughter in this relationship with my mom, but I should feel similarly. Right? I should have the same enthusiasm and desire my sister has with mom and vice versa. I know I should but I cant make it happen and neither can mom.
It is not my fault I feel this way. I dont even know if its moms fault either. In 1965 there wasnt the proper counseling to cope with loss of fertility or how to cope with a macho husband who had the issue of not being able to produce baby #2. I do understand this intellectually, I just dont understand it emotionally.