Saturday, February 16, 2013

The family dance I'm not part of.

I started a blog this morning saying that I was feeling peaceful regarding my adoption issues.  Spent time with some family today, came home and erased my blog (draft)!

I do have more peace, but its something else that I have found out or possibly figured out?  I emotionally react to family get togethers.  I end up arriving home, needing to be debriefed, as I did tonight.  I'm trying to take the emotions out of this.  Pretending I'm just a family friend visiting.    Taking a step back, an outsider looking in.   I noticed something tonight, I may have seen it before, but I somehow translated it differently.

My parents and sister (their birth child) all speak the same language.  I feel like I'm a foreigner, speaking another language, however we all speak English.  They speak and communicate a different way.  Almost like they know what each other is going to say.  I never noticed it before like I did tonight.

It doesn't matter what the situation, but its like an animal responding to her babies.  Its natural to them, comes naturally, no effort or strain to communicate.  Its like a 6th sense they have between them.

I dont have this in common with them.  Im positive it goes back as far as my 5th year of living, so I know its something that happened early on with my parents and I.   Possibly a disconnect when they first adopted me?  I am positive they don't know it exists and would probably deny it and say I'm crazy!

For whatever the reason, I saw this dance the three of them did tonight, a different feeling in the air between them.  I could feel it deep within.  I came home, a bit traumatized, a bit bent out of shape.  I'm trying to focus on the fact that my adoptive parents and sister are clueless about how I feel, and focus on the fact they dont see or feel what I feel.  I want to understand this intellectually, not take this to heart.  I have not done anything wrong.  There is nothing wrong with me.

Having said that, I feel fairly bad tonight.  Feel annoyed, upset, and a bit disappointed that I cant be part  of this family I have called "Mine" for the past 47 years.  I go through the motions, I call them mine, but in reality, they are not mine.  I feel good for figuring this out, but the emotional Cathy feels yucky inside.  I have to work through this, and find a way to be at peace.  I hope in time I will not react with hurt feelings when I witness their family dance.