Saturday, November 17, 2012

No resolution

My dad is coming near the end of his life.  He's not doing well.  But, his mental illness is getting worse and in turn, mom is suffering.   He is abusive towards her verbally.

I have realized this past week that I am still harboring some unresolved anger towards mom.   I guess I have successfully hid this from myself.  Trying to be strong and "Normal" for my family.  Honestly, I feel like I've spent  most of my life chasing this adoption tale.  Over and over again, I go around and around with mom.  I always end up telling the story, and feeling upset.  Nothing resolved.

Then it came to me this week.  I cannot finish this cycle yet.   Mom is exactly the same as she was back when I was a small child.  She is still covering up for dad, making excuses, allowing him to abuse her.  She is suffering from a so called "Stockholm Syndrome" type of injury.  She's an enabler.  OK, so I see this and HUGE SHOCK this week!  My sister has admitted this is true!  NEWS FLASH!  CONTACT THE MEDIA!   I have waited 47 years for my sister to catch up, to come to this reality.  NOW WHAT?  I have no darn clue.   So my sister has admitted that mom is sick.

What do I do?  How do I handle this woman I have called "Mom" for 47 years?  I told my sister for the first time ever, that she has her mom,  but I dont.  That its not in the cards for me this lifetime.  That all I can be is a good mom to my own kids.  And to not repeat history.  She was silent.  Did not know how to respond.  I wrote her email about Thanksgiving, and wrote a bit about these feelings, but deleted them before sending.  I dont know if she is ready to really process this.

Mom is 80, dad is 85.  I realize they are getting older and time is ticking away.  How do I make things right with mom?  What do I say to this woman that allowed my dad to physically and mentally abuse me all of my life?    And is still running strong with this same behavior at age 80, the enabler?  She does not understand what she's doing nor can she stop herself. She is still pretending none of it happened and I bet in the near future she will have made herself believe the lies she has dold herself. 
How do I resolve all this conflict, before shes gone and I dont have the chance to make this right ?