Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Self-fulfilling prophecy! (laugh)

I wish my life could be summed up in a few sentences, using the term "Self-fulfilling prophecy" to solve everything.

Dont you wish you could just say, oh, I was wrong about everything...just kidding, I just made this stuff up!  I had nothing better to do for the past 48 years, just thought I'd write a blog that contained nothing but lies. or self fulfilling prophecies!  hahaha!

People like to reduce others experiences, how they feel,  to tell others "To get over it" or "Forget about it" even if the abuse in many forms continues to happen now.

It is easier to move forward if the same old stuff  is no longer happening.  If the people that matter to you are no longer jerks.  Makes this process that so many geniuses are always pushing onto others, you know the "Get over it" theory.  Give me a break!  You get over it.

Having said that, I received a comment to my last blog.  Someone who remains anonymous said they had only read one of my blogs, but thinks I have created a self-fulfilling prophecy.  That my perception of what was said, and what is said, and continues to be said must be wrong.  That I am too sensitive.  That I think back to the past and somehow bring it into the future, the current time.  So basically I am full of it.

Hmmm...just wondering, how many "Non-adopted" people out there were told age 48, "Now you are part of a family."    This was said many times during a conversation, and after receiving some precious china from my mom's mom.  I blogged about it.  After I told her how special it was having her mothers china, and how I realized I now had so many generations of women's china in my cabinet.  This felt like such a blow to my gut.  Here I am so proud and happy to have this china, and this moment is being reduced and deducted to a mistake.  And I am then reminded that see Cathy, now you are part of a family.  Who says this to their daughter?  Especially not after saying that the box containing the china really didnt belong to me , but to my sisters daughter.  It would never come out of my mouth if I already thought my daughter was my daughter.  As I blogged, I immediately said I dont have to own anything, I can share this china or give it to my niece.  The china is not the issue, its my moms opinion and feelings for me.  I dont want it that badly and I love my niece, I'd give her anything I had.  That is my point.  I dont care about the china, its what it means to her, and her giving it to me was the honor.  As the honor was quickly changed to something else.  A mistake.  And I have to add she does this all the time.  Reduces things and somewhat of a slap on the face sort of feeling, punched in the gut.  Maybe she doesnt realize what she is doing?  Its comfortable for her, she is used to behaving this way ?  I dont know, thats why I blog in hopes to find the answers.

Just curious, all you folks out there, how many birth kids were told this?  How many birth kids were left out of generation pictures because of family members not being "SENSITIVE" enough to think past their rear and realize, oh yeah, Cathy and her daughter are part of this picture.  This is just an example.    How many of you birth kids can say that you dont have any genetics in common with your parents, grandparents, etc.   Honestly, I think my family are clueless of the insensitive and cruel things they say and do.  I dont think they do it to be mean, its a bad habit, one they've become used to .

Dont tell me you know,  or that is the same.  It is not the same.    I dont know what its like to  grow up with a birth mom, and you have no clue what its like to grow up as the adopted child, with an older sister that was NOT adopted...if you are not adopted.    No fault of my sisters, or my own.  Nobody is really at fault here, its just the way it is.   Lack of knowledge from the get go.

Having said that, I chose to create a blog to help myself.  Not to argue with ignorant people that make stupid comments.  Im serious, no sarcasm here.  I mean what I say, if you dont like it, simply dont read it.  If my experience bothers you, or upsets you too much, just dont read.  I will not apologize for how I feel and what did happen and is happening.

This journey has allowed me to not repeat what was done to me.  The abused usually become abusers.  I have not repeated this cycle.  The domino effect has not continued because of my honesty.  Again, if you want to sweep the abuse and dysfunction under the carpet, go for it, but I cannot be part of it.

Saying I have created a self fulfilling prophecy is ignorant.  I did not abuse myself, I did not choose to be adopted.  I cannot deny that ignorance annoys me, and this is the only place I can really say so.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Lots of bargaining and sorting today

Wow, I'm ashamed that I still keep trying to bargain for a different set of moms.  Yes, I intellectually know the situation wont change.  I know my birth mom is not available, never  has been, emotionally, or physically, for me or my family.  My mom is around, but she is also unavailable to a point.  I sit here this morning, trying to sort through the things my birth mom recently said to me.  The fact that she does not have a bond with me, honestly doesnt give a darn if I drop off the face of this earth.  She backs what my full birth brother does, age 39, regardless if he's wrong.  She's been enabling him for 20 years now.  She is a liar, yeah, I know this.  She cheats, yeah I know this.  She's dishonest, oh wait that was covered under a liar.  Probably the worst part is, she tells false stories, and people believe her.

OK, so what is it that I want?   I'm doing it again, trying to restore that fantasy I've had forever.  It must be a mistake, I must have the wrong woman.  How could this woman be my birth mother?

I keep searching for the good.   She sometimes seems to be on my side, she kind of seems to like me, then when she tells me these terrible stories about my birth brother (she kept) dating these young girls, etc (I wont elaborate) she pretends like she does not know what has happened over the past 30 years of our reunion.  She acts like an idiot, pretends she doesnt know what I'm talking about, and a stranger would think after she's done talking, that my birth brother is a saint, a wonderful and honest person that has his life together.  She is clever, she is crafty, she is believable.

OK, so she tells me stories I have asked not to hear about my birth brother, I get upset, and then she turns on me.  Tells me that I say nasty words to her, and before I was fine.  She doesnt understand why I get upset with her, and say what I say...YES SHE DOES.  As though there is no basis for my  words?  What, is she kidding me?  Thats like being the mother of a murderer who then turns to another and says her son is a saint, wonderful person, and expecting to hear a glowing review.  I dont know what she wants me to say in response, I cannot lie.  Its the pure truth that my birth brother is a non functioning person, has type 1 diabetes, has bipolar disorder, has severe OCD, has severe anxiety he cannot go in public much.  He takes steroids to build his muscles - has abused drugs for many years, such as meth, LSD, and another liquid drug that destroys the brain.  Oh, and he has irreversible brain damage from drugs as well.    I'm not making this stuff up.  Why does she turn on me and make me seem like the villain?  I am the easy kid, never did drugs, got married and I'm still happily married, independent.  I was lucky not to get any mental disorder such as bipolar disorder, I dont have any OCD, and I dont have anxiety disorder.  That was just pure luck of the draw!

This is why I sit here this morning, bargaining.  Thinking maybe theres a way to make this right, when in reality, I have tried over and over again and failed.    Never able to make it right, and never able to get through to her.  Each time she gets mad at me, pretending that I am the villain, when in reality, I am just being truthful and have been nothing but up front with her about our relationship and what I want.

I have wanted her to act more like a mom, not someone you met just yesterday.  I wanted her to be like family, act like the grandma to my kids.  I wanted her to be involved with my extended family.  None of these things have ever happened, and its been 30 years this year.  Time to get my head cleared out and straight.  She is not coming for me, or making this right.  Its ridiculous for me to continue to have hope, dont you think?  I mean 30 years is a long time to wait!  I have been patient, I have gone back to her again and again.  Maybe I need to write her a letter, explaining what I have wanted from her, so there is no misunderstanding.

All I know is that I need to get a grip on myself.  I have to stop bargaining.  Maybe I was not meant to have a mom, maybe this is my cross to bear.  Maybe I am supposed to learn how to give what I did not get, which I believe I am successfully doing now, with my own kids.  I think that is what I am supposed to do in this lifetime, be accepting.

Saturday, February 15, 2014

What do they mean?

I'm always trying to figure out what my family means when they say the things they say.

My brother in law  is in hospital for surgery.  I go to sit and wait with my sister.  It was a long wait and an awful experience to have alone.

I hear from my A-mom, how appreciative "They are" that I went and sat for hours...with my sister (called by name)    I shrugged it off.  Trying to focus on what someone told me about being too sensitive...oh it was my sister.

Again, its said.  "They" appreciate it so much that I sat for hours.  Here comes the crickets again, dead silence on my end as I search for a response.  I think I said, Uh-huh and quickly ended the cell phone conversation.

OK, and again its said by A-mom, that "They" really appreciate me spending the time with my sister.  I have only one sibling, my sister.  On and on about it.  OK, time limit to how many times you can say this and not really mean it has been met.    This wasnt some slip on her end, she means what she says after repeating it over and over in a  7 hour time frame.

My nephew grabbed us coffee, the hospital cafeteria was closed.  And a nice snack for me as well.  So after I went home I texted and said again, thanks so much for grabbing us coffee and a snack.  He thanked me for sitting with his mom, my sister.

I answered "I am your moms sister, this is what sisters do."  I got a smiley face in response.

Dont they know I am the sister?  I have known her husband, my nephews father, the one in the hospital now for about 30+ years.  We have spent the past 28 Christmas' and Thanksgivings with them, countless birthday parties, fourth of July, Easter, etc.

What does this mean?  Am I the outsider, the friend they are thanking, or am I the daughter, the sister and the aunt?  I'm confused, because who says this to her own daughter?  Im just curious to know what it means?  Why is my own mother thanking me for sitting with my own sister while her husband has surgery?

Wednesday, February 5, 2014


One last blog for the day.

I wanted to mention that I keep a lot of secrets from my family.  They dont know this blog exists, and have not read it.

Truthfully, I doubt anyone in my family has any idea as to how I feel. They think they know!    If I asked them to read my blogs, my feelings, they'd probably be in shock or laugh, maybe even slug me.

Its too difficult for them to be honest, about what is happening now, what has happened.  They cannot and dont want to talk about any of the things I have blogged about.

My sister thinks its too late for my mom to change.  I disagree, and have clearly told her again and again that I dont think its too late for change.

Problem is,  some of my family members are living seriously dysfunctional lives.  How can I ask them to be honest when they are not being honest with themselves in their own lives,  and have not been honest  for years?

As I have said before, tackling one's self takes a lot of discipline, and hard work.  Being honest with yourself is exhausting and hard.   Its not a task a lot of people want to start, because it can take years to finish!

 My husband and children somewhat understand me , so I am not totally alone, but its not something I talk about daily, or care to discuss on a regular basis, so I choose to do this blogging and self help somewhat alone.

Someday my family may read this blog, or my book I plan to write, and I will have to deal with that when the time comes.

So I am slowly branching out, allowing certain people to read my blog, and I find this extremely scary and hard.  What will people think, will they understand me, will they criticize me, will they not like me any longer?  Its possible, especially those family members who live their daily lives in serious denial.


I sometimes wonder if I am similar inside as others.  How I analyze and compare, summarize, prepare, collect my thoughts, wake up and think.

When I was  a little kid, I had a hard time understanding why I was me, and not someone else.  I would sit alone and try to hear what another kid was thinking.  I didnt understand why I couldnt hear them.  Maybe I was supposed to be some other kid in another state, or country?  I just knew I didnt belong in this body, with this family.

Is this normal for a 3 year old to think?

Something happens when a baby is taken or given up for adoption.  Something happened to me, something I had no control over.  Somehow, I got mixed up, in a lot of ways.  I missed someone I knew before I had the social skills to physically speak with, but I still knew I missed her.  I knew I didnt belong where I was, and went as far as thinking I was put in the wrong body, with the wrong thoughts, with the wrong parents, in the wrong house.

I am thinking, that these feelings never fully leave, you get busy with your own life, your husband and kids.  But when its quiet, and the kids are grown and gone, you start thinking again, and then you realize these ideas are not gone, just dormant.

I feel like I'm in pieces some days,  as though I am waiting for something, just not sure what!   I clean the house, do the laundry, do the dishes, scrub the floors, change the sheets.  Where is that missing piece?

I sit and start to blog again, wanting to get some of this brain fog to disappear.  I have no forgotten to do our taxes, I have done just about everything I need to do, except clean out the garage and that is next.   I have such a good time with my husband, I really love him, the life I have created is amazing.  But there is still something missing and it is most noticeable after a family get together.

 Do I just pretend its not there?  Do I just continue with the act I have perfected after so many years of performing?  And pretend I'm like the  other people that are not adopted?  Do you non-adoptee's feel this way?

Sunday, February 2, 2014


"TITANIUM" - David Guetta  (song)  
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium

This is my song, I decided last night...  

This song is the grown up version of me skipping through the parking lot of Lucky's supermarket, on my way home, knowing I'm ready to be pounded for something I did not do, or for no reason at all.  In my head I hear my own voice clearly, I've blocked out the rest of the world as I skip chanting, "I'm a good girl, I'm a good girl, He's a bad man, He's a bad man."

Now as I hear this song so emotionally performed, not meaning literally shoot me, but metaphorically.   I cried on the way to my sisters house yesterday, on my way to celebrate my dads 87th birthday, realizing that my adoptive family has no clue who I am, how I feel, or what has really happened to me.  They dont really care, because they refuse to look it straight in the eye.  Admit to what has been said and done, their refusal makes them weak and because I have fought so hard, I am the strongest.  

They can keep shooting me down, but  I wont fall, dont they get it?  They cant destroy me, but they have  tried, I am too strong for all of them.   I will keep getting up, and I will continue to sort through what has happened so I can continue to be strong.  

Adoption, a word spoken so freely.  People hear that word and immediately they think  its good, warm and fuzzy, fairy tale worthy.  Does anyone really know what its like when adoption is not a success?   Do they know the truth of how it feels to be  abandoned by my supposed mothers, both birth and adoptive, again and again. Do they understand that even a woman, grown with her own grown children is still sitting here today typing to get her feelings out onto this blog so she can pull herself together after a family get together that has left her exhausted.  Do they know what its like growing up, wondering where these amazing people that loved me so much they gave me away, are?  Having a sister that was not adopted and seeing the differences that are nobodys fault, yet still hard to experience even as an adult.  Realizing that as an adoptee you will never have that feeling with anyone except your own children if you choose to have them.  That special bond, that a lot of adoptees miss out on with both mothers.  

As hard as this is to admit, it will be as hard to explain.  Im just now beginning to like myself.    My entire life has been searching, understanding, sorting, forgiving and accepting to finally be able to look in the mirror and see me.   I have not recognized myself in the past, thought myself to look and be someone different than I am.  I am guessing that is part of the fantasy I created, but its like looking in the mirror for 48 years, and seeing the back of someone's head.  Not really seeing into myself, or recognizing who I am.  I know I have always been strong, that I remember, but somehow through this process of adoption and life, I created some person I dont recognize in the mirror.  Maybe its the process of acceptance, that I will not have what I had hoped and dreamed of having for so many years.  Part of this fantasy, or maybe its just hope, that one day you wake up, and everything is OK, these feelings inside are gone.  Everyone is in sync.  It was all just a bad dream, and I woke up realizing I am just me, regardless of where I came from. 

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Am I the crazy one?

Sometimes I feel like the crazy one.  I've done so much sorting, analyzing, honest hard work on myself.  I mean, I've been brutally honest with myself.   Yep, Ive admitted that I'm a jerk.   Yep!  I have tried so hard, daily,  to be a better person, to say thank you to my husband when  he does trivial things for me, because it is important.  I try to think of things I "Should" be doing, for my own children.  Again, trivial things in life that later on in life, we think back upon and remember those trivial things with a smile.  I want to be happy, I want to be thankful, and I want to be appreciative.

So, I am happy.  I am thankful, and I am appreciative.  However at times when specific family members challenge me I find myself angry.   I dont like to be this angry, and I dont like to feel this way.  Yes, life is a challenge, I have no control over what others say and do.  I cannot control this family member, I have to remember this when I'm presented with a challenge.  I have to be clever, instead.

I communicate with family, probably too much.  I dont feel the need to hold back important feelings and issues, even though my husband thinks I should do just that.   However this family member feels she is "A Private Person" and on the other hand interrogates me, in a clever way, on a regular basis.

Hmmm....I just got a reality check this week.  I think I may have "FIGURED" this family member out! I think I know what shes doing, and why.  Maybe its the TV show "Medium"  I've been watching lately that has me thinking in a more clever way?  I get caught up in the same way of dealing with this family dysfunction.  Instead I need to react differently when asked, or interrogated as I sometimes feel.  I need to respond by saying "You tell me what is going on with you first" before I tell her anything about myself.  I think she may like to have it appear she is the helpful one, always helping poor family member like me.  In return I can do nothing for her, because she never tells anything, or reveals there is anything wrong.  For years, I have been in this tape recording loop with her, the same scene played over and over again.

This woman asks me more questions about my own grown children than I ASK THEM MYSELF!  WHY?   She does this, I believe to make herself, her own life seem OK.  She doesnt have to think about herself, her own woes, her messed up life, for lack of better term.

This family of mine, they are very good at deception.  They know how to "Keep up with the Jones'"  and make everyone believe all is fine in la-la land.

BAM!  I have struck.  I am not going to allow this any longer.   Everything is NOT OK.  It is not OK to interrogate me and my immediate family.  It is not OK to NOT share what is happening with your life,  family member.  I will NOW start asking you about WHY you have not been sleeping in the same room as your husband for the past 10 years, or however long its been going on!  BAM!  I will not pretend like your life is peachy keen.    And, if you want to know anything about me, you'd better start talking!  OR, we just wont have any relationship at all.

This somewhat ties into the whole craziness of my growing up time.  We all pretended that our family was OK.  For years my own family swept the craziness under the carpet, even flat out lied it ever happened years later.  We are now somewhat on the same page about what happened, we've lost some older members because they want to remain in that fantasy land.   I was treated like the crazy sister, the crazy aunt, the crazy daughter, for years.  It wasnt until just about 3 years ago that my niece and nephew found out about what really happened, and the reality of our lives.  Well, I doubt they really know the full truth, but close enough!    My family member seems to have told her own children lies, for years.  Made them believe, in a round about way, years of pretending, years of smoothing over ruffled edges, making them believe there was no alcohol abuse, no physical abuse, and that wonderful grandmother of theirs, she sat for over 10  years and allowed, watched this man she still calls her husband, terrorize me, physically abuse me.  Now, these two great kids feel sorry for this woman they call grandma.  Poor grandma, even though she "CHOSE" this life, even though she had no back bone to stop this man, and still allows him to abuse her today.   Funny how my kids feel differently.   Hmmm....wonder why?  Maybe its the years of crap we've taken from the grandma and grandpa.  I'd have to say the turning point was in 2002, when my own mother, when asked if we could stay with here for a short time to find a new place to live after losing our rental, told me to go live in a homeless shelter with me and my daughter heard her!   When asked about my husband, she basically said, who cares where he goes.  Or maybe just a short time ago, months before my dads stroke, on Mothers day.  Dad taking me out to the garage at my sisters house, me thinking he had something important to tell me.  Instead I was handed a hand written list, of items he and mom had purchased for me and my family.  Like birthday gifts, Christmas gifts, even money that was given.  Each of my children listed separately on his list.  I asked him, what is this?  In shock, I could hear my heart beating.   Once I realized he had no good answer, just some intimidation, and ugly words to make me feel less of a daughter.  I said you want me to pay you back this money, for presents you bought my kids?  He had no answer, and I walked away.  THIS is my nieces grandmother and grandfather.  And yes, the grandmother still goes along with this man, conspires with him, as she has always done.  The woman that never called me after I stopped bringing my child to her house in the mornings from far away.  She never once questioned why she never saw Austen again.  Then, just recently when discussed, she said she didnt know what I was talking about?  Really mom?   You had been my epileptic sons caretaker, my husband dropping him off some 2 hours away every day, yet when we stopped bringing him, you never questioned it?  Yet you have the nerve to tell me you knew nothing about your husband coming up to me on Austen's birthday and telling me, "Mary Anne's kids come first, find another person to watch Austen"  --  At my kids birthday party that ass tells me this.  Mom was sitting on the couch and acted like a beaten whimp, never had the guts to face me, yet instead lied about it years later, making me feel like the crazy one!

See the pattern, my awful "Fantasy land" pattern.  I have hoped and given these family members  different personalities, different histories.  Different realities, but it has to stop.  I cant pretend and continue in this deception that all is OK, and forgiven.  Because nothing has changed, my own mom is still being abused, denying that she is abused, or that she was his partner in this crime.  She still lies about what was done, and being done now.  I cannot change her, I cannot change how she feels inside.  I cannot make her love me, or my dad love me.  But I can focus on the fact that I always did want their love, and that I am worthy of it.  I just wish we could all sit down and be honest about WHATS REAL.  And stop pretending.   My niece posts a pic of her and my dad on Instagram.  I felt sick after reading her small description of her and dad.  Im still annoyed...they dont care for my dad, or maybe they have just been trained so well they just automatically write this la-la land, fairy tale "Fantasy" nonsense  that I've been conditioned to write and speak all of my life?

Fantasy for so many, hard to break the cycle.