Wednesday, February 5, 2014


I sometimes wonder if I am similar inside as others.  How I analyze and compare, summarize, prepare, collect my thoughts, wake up and think.

When I was  a little kid, I had a hard time understanding why I was me, and not someone else.  I would sit alone and try to hear what another kid was thinking.  I didnt understand why I couldnt hear them.  Maybe I was supposed to be some other kid in another state, or country?  I just knew I didnt belong in this body, with this family.

Is this normal for a 3 year old to think?

Something happens when a baby is taken or given up for adoption.  Something happened to me, something I had no control over.  Somehow, I got mixed up, in a lot of ways.  I missed someone I knew before I had the social skills to physically speak with, but I still knew I missed her.  I knew I didnt belong where I was, and went as far as thinking I was put in the wrong body, with the wrong thoughts, with the wrong parents, in the wrong house.

I am thinking, that these feelings never fully leave, you get busy with your own life, your husband and kids.  But when its quiet, and the kids are grown and gone, you start thinking again, and then you realize these ideas are not gone, just dormant.

I feel like I'm in pieces some days,  as though I am waiting for something, just not sure what!   I clean the house, do the laundry, do the dishes, scrub the floors, change the sheets.  Where is that missing piece?

I sit and start to blog again, wanting to get some of this brain fog to disappear.  I have no forgotten to do our taxes, I have done just about everything I need to do, except clean out the garage and that is next.   I have such a good time with my husband, I really love him, the life I have created is amazing.  But there is still something missing and it is most noticeable after a family get together.

 Do I just pretend its not there?  Do I just continue with the act I have perfected after so many years of performing?  And pretend I'm like the  other people that are not adopted?  Do you non-adoptee's feel this way?


  1. It's not just you. Hell I'm so damn analytical my PTSD flashbacks take the form of meta-analysis. I've had APs and others accuse me of being "cold" but it comes with the territory.

    Still, I hope part of what you've got is the winter blues, and that you get better soon. This time of year is the literal pits.

  2. No, I dont have the winter blues, I live in sunny southern California, its been hot here! ha! Its the realization that no matter how hard I work, this feeling will not go away. Its somewhat of an acceptance that I cant change it. And acknowledging I cant and trying to figure out how to live without the bond.

  3. When we got to that point my shrink gave me The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion: Freeing Yourself From Destructive Thoughts And Emotions. It's good for that.

  4. saying to stop feeling sorry for yourself does not work. Finding acceptance works, for me. Finding acceptance means being brutally honest about how things are. Thats hard, I do love myself, and I dont beat myself up. Its those around me that are troubled, but dont think they have a problem. That is the problem. I could rid myself of my family, but I dont think that is the answer either.