Monday, June 22, 2015

Adoption continues to take

I hope by blogging I can explain what I'm feeling.  I am not even sure how to get these thoughts on paper or what words I will use to communicate my feelings.

Why is it that as an adoptee so many in the triad feel they can take things from me, or try to take from me, crack stupid jokes about adoption, and always belittle how I feel.  But there is this specific dynamic within  birth families that still remains a mystery to me.  I don't know where it comes from, but it does exist.  To date, my birth mom has deceived me, betrayed me, lied to me countless times, has chosen to have no relationship with my children, the list goes on, and NOT ONCE has she ever apologized, said she is sorry, or wrong.

My birth mom has always kept me at a distance.   I'm usually the one to track her down, for the most part. 

Why does she continue to act like she can say and do whatever she wants without any consequences to how I feel?  Apparently she feels there are no boundaries for her.  Same goes for my brother, her son.  He has always felt that he has the right to try and convince my children that my husband and I are bad parents, they have both talked bad about us.  They both paint this picture to the rest of the world, they are the best people, the best grandma and uncle to my children, and WE are the problem.   The frightening part is that she and my birth brother are believable, charming, convincing AND they believe their lies!   I have not trusted either of them for many years.

My brother over the years has continued to bully me, my kids and my husband.  Yet now, today, he claims my husbands brother as HIS family.  This is why I get upset when I see this is going on.  I am so sick of them bullying me, and the fact they feel they have the right to take anything they want from me, even things that are clearly not theirs.  My brother states on the internet to the old time skaters and surfers that knew my brother in law, that he was his uncle.  I blogged about this the other day.  How is it that you cannot stand ME, can't even talk to me, and have threatened to kill my entire family (which you later lied about doing & called my children liars) YET you are now, claiming MY HUSBANDS family as your own?  Pretending to be the nephew of my husbands brother?    You hate me, yet you manipulate my kids over the years, almost like a pedophile, luring children into their house.  My brother has always liked young girls, when my daughter was in middle school he started talking to girls on line, that were in her 7th grade class.  At the time he was about 28 years old, pretending to be MY KIDS COUSIN.  Sound familiar?  He had been talking to this little girl who ended up committing suicide.  He knew about it before it hit the newspaper, before we even knew about it.  HERES THE SICK birth mom and brother both lie about it now, make it seem like I have made this up, and I am the crazy one.  I have nothing better to do but sit around and make up stuff!   It did happen, my adult kids can attest to this.  My oldest has received several threats from my brother left on his cell phone, death threats.   According to my birth mom & brother, we are all the crazy ones, living lies, and none of this ever happened!

Its hard to explain in words, I don't even know why this has happened over the years.  The lies, the manipulation, the deceit.  WHY?  What do they want?  Sometimes it feels like they want to annihilate me, step in and take over my life.  Everything they have done, and trust me its not been a cake walk, they have lied about, stated that "Cathy is mentally ill"  --  I guess all 5 of us are crazy!  My daughter and youngest son will never even acknowledge them.  My oldest son has more memories of them, but he was really little and his judgment is not that great.  Now, he has realized that maybe Kelly my brother is not the greatest guy that walked earth.  Honestly, Kelly my brother is not a person you can even have small talk with, he's dangerous, cruel, manipulating, mentally ill, has brain damage from drugs, and hates all of us.  Not a good combination, its somewhat lethal.

So you ask, why would I talk to these people?  I always have hope, hope that they will change, make different life choices.   Well, I have not talked to my brother in many years.  I've had nothing to do with him.  I recently spoke via text with my birth mom, and of course she continues to lie about my brother.  She always paints a picture of this man (age 40 now) who is living this sedentary, normal life.  So I see all of his Instagram pictures, which just about made me sick.  I see his girlfriends pages and her pictures, which made me even more sick inside.  My birth mom slips and says the girlfriend is mentally ill as well.  Gee, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out WHY a girl age 21 would be dating a man older than her parents.  My brother lives a wild and crazy life.  He's drinking, acting and dressing like he's a young kid, and I am sure this is taking its toll on him.  He looks awful, and these pictures prove that my birth mom is living in la-la land, lying to me about what he's doing and how he is doing.  If his Type 1 diabetes is out of control, its his choices that are making that happen.  This young girl that looks like a hooker/stripper, and their vulgar pictures and talk would make anyone feel sick.  I am ashamed to even admit this man is my brother, and why I have decided that I can no longer call him that.  This same behavior has been going on since he was much younger and to be honest, I'm exhausted.  I don't deserve this, and I have chosen not to be part of their lives and I supposed I have to give up hope they will ever get it together and live somewhat decent lives.

I realize my birth mom has betrayed me in the past, and it seems she is not capable of being truthful.  Which brings me full circle.  I feel she is always manipulating me, and lying and there is no logical reason why?   What does she want from me?  Why does she contact me when I really do believe she does not like me?

Adoptee's are the pit everyone dumps into.  Adoptee's micromanage the families, taking abuse at times,  forget an apology, or any sort of feelings that would show they have remorse.  Its because we don't have the spot in any family, really.  We were taken from our birth family, never to really connect and bond with any of them, and the adoptive family we were stuck in are not always a match, loss of fertility issues, a father not wanting a child that is not his blood.  We have to make our own family, however we choose to do this.

When someone comes into my family, like my brother and tries to take what I have made, for myself, and have worked so hard to attain, I pretty much go into battle mode.  Who does he think he is?  How and why does he feel he has the right to pretend to be my husbands nephew?  Pretend to be the cousin of MY children.   How does he have the gumption to say he is anything to me except being born of the same two people?   He has not done any work to say he is my chidrens uncle, he does not even deserve the label of acquaintance.  To me he is dirt, he has no class, he is a scum sucking bottom dweller.  And my birth mom is similar, lying for him, even though he is age 40, pretending he is the better child of the two, when in reality she is probably thinking wow, I gave away the better of the two children I had!

I am so angry they both still feel they have "Rights" to me and my family.  I cannot stand the fact that my brother has posted pictures of MY family on line, all over the place, claiming to be MY husbands brother, who passed away years ago.  Preying upon people, lying, manipulating.  Its like he still THINKS he has the right to dump on me!

Thursday, June 18, 2015


My [birth] brother,  as of today,  I denounce.

He hates me, and yes I know the word hate is very heavy.  But, quite honestly it's the solid truth.

For many years he tried his best to lure my young children away from me.  Needless to say that was not even possible, but the fact remains its something he tried to do for many years in his sick twisted brain.

My birth mom went as far as writing my friend a letter, a friend she did not know.  Stating her son, my [birth] brother was such an important part of my children's lives, and they love him so much & miss him.  Suggested an intervention, saying that I am mentally ill.  My friend is a sheriff, and we were not really close friends any longer.  Her years as a sheriff really changed her a lot.  

Anyhow, so this behavior has continued for many years.  Contacting my kids, requesting to play video games with them on line, friending them on Facebook and instagram.  The hate talk continued for many years. 

I finally got the nerve to ask my oldest son to unfriend my [brother] - I said I cannot tell you what to do, but I'd rather he not have a front seat ticket to our lives.  He said, OK...

My [brother]  had posted pictures of MY husbands brother, one who had passed away and was one of the original skaters/surfers in the day in Santa Monica area.  Stating "Uncle Rodney Jesse RIP he changed the way I looked at life forever..."  - and the comments went on like this, about MY Uncle Rod, etc.  Mind you, my [brother] DID NOT KNOW RODNEY.   My kids barely knew him, and to be quite honest, my husband and I did not know him during the years after we were married either, I had just met my [brother] right before meeting my husband.  

So my oldest son a few weeks ago sent me a screen shot of my [brothers] Facebook, showing a photograph of Rodney "Forty Years of Skateboard History"  on a ramp skating back when men skaters wore striped knee socks!  hahaha!  My [brother] writes on the pictures, "My Uncle Rodney Jesse ripping it 40 years ago RIP check you on the flip. "  My son doesn't say anything accompanying the photo with my brothers caption, but I know what he's asking me.... WHY?  

This morning I happen to see on Facebook, as I'm laying in bed, "People you may know" - I see some names that look familiar, and next thing you know Im clicking around and I find my [brothers] Instagram, and his supposed girlfriends Facebook page.  I cannot tell you how I got there, but I did.   I cannot deny I felt sick,  realizing she was just a teenager in high school when she started dating my [brother] who is 40.  And, this girls parents are the exact age as my [brother] !!!

I got the nerve to ask him to please change the tagging on the pictures of Rodney he has posted on Facebook and Instagram.  I said that Rodney is MY husbands brother, and if he was anything to you he would be your brother in law, if we had a relationship!   I reminded him that Rodney is OUR children's UNCLE, not his.  Again, I asked him to please update and make it clear, really he should say, my sisters husbands brother.  Because he and I have NO relationship, and he's been the worst possible relative you could ever imagine over the past 22 years.   To be honest he's lucky our kids have forgiven him at all, well our daughter and youngest son have not.  Our oldest has  somewhat.  

I feel like my [brother] has tried so very hard to take my life, even though I know that is impossible.  13 years ago I allowed him to live with us, and without going into details. it was a huge mistake.  I later learned he was working on the set of porno movies, and coming home and telling our kids in the middle of the night what they were doing.  When we finally kicked him out, he threatened to kill us, left voice mail on our cell phones.  The death threats happened more than once.  My [brother] has brain damage from drug use, is bipolar, has severe OCD, and severe anxiety that does not allow him to live a normal life.  

Anyhow, today was the day for me.  Seeing what my [brother] is writing on social media, claiming my family through marriage as his own, makes me feel physically ill.   I have fought so hard, and so long to find myself, and to find my place within my family.  Who does he think he is, trying to take my place, within my family!  He hates me but wants what I have.  I think its his HATE that makes him want what I have, to try and take away my happiness.  He has never wanted me to be happy, or to be part of his life.  He hated that I had a relationship with his mom, my [birth] mom.  When our youngest was born,  he told me that his mom hated me and my stupid kids,  and wanted nothing to do with us.  

I can only fathom that my [brother] wants to brag about a famous skater/surfer in his family, and just conveniently left out the fact that the famous guy is his sisters, husbands brother, relation at all to him.   

Its very difficult to put into words, but its like because I was adopted,  they feel they have the right to mess with me, as though my feelings are not important enough,  and because they do not have the time invested and the bond, I mean nothing and they feel they can take from me what they want.   My [brother]  was kept, I was tossed away, and I was the kid that caused all the problems within the family.  Its easy to mistreat the adopted kid nobody wanted.  Sometimes when they behave this way I feel like I'm going to disappear.  

Wednesday, June 17, 2015

Don't tell me I'm too emotional

I have to pull up my skirt, I have to stop this craziness.   My mom needs me to help her right now, and I have to step up and move into her house and be there for her, until my dad dies.

Can I do this?  Can I ?  Can I help her without feeling like I want to go running through the streets pulling my hair out?

I texted my sister, she is on a trip with her daughter.  As though this trip is so important, she tells me she cannot talk to me about (mom) she is "Trying to have fun."   Oh, wow, sorry.

Remind you, I have rheumatoid arthritis, I have zero pain relief and I somehow find the strength to spend countless days at moms.   She, on the other hand feels that when she is on a trip, a trip that has very little meaning , that she is not to be bothered by things like our mom not making sense, and firing my dads caretaker. (dad is at home in hospice)

This is where my feelings of being that dirty, unwanted kid come in.  My feelings, my opinion and concern for our parents is not of worth to her.   She gets to decide what happens to [her] parents.  Shut up Cathy, we don't want to hear your ideas, your worries, your concerns.  That is what she is saying when she tells me she cannot talk about this [now] because she is trying to have fun!  When she shuts me up and says that what I have experienced is not real, it did not happen!  This is why I have resorted to video taping things that happen at our parents house.

Sorry, but this is pure insanity in my opinion.  Your trying to have fun?  Give me a #&$(% break.

Yeah, I know this could happen in any family.  But this is not any family.

The question still remains, do I continue to push my way into this?  Do I help my mom & dad?  Or should I back off and allow my sister, their birth child to make all the decisions?  It seems I am looked at as being too emotional.  Even though my mom cannot remember what was discussed just 5 minutes ago, I guess I am over reacting. She is living alone, with my dad who is dying.  She has fired now her 2nd caretaker for my dad, who is blind, cannot do anything for himself, and mom is a train wreck.  She can barely take care of herself, and her health is not good.  She is not making wise choices, and telling me she does not have the money for a caretaker.  She does have the money!  Got so mean she basically hung up on me, and let me tell you her sister called me worried as well.  Saying that she was not making sense.

I think my sister wants to be in the drivers seat.  She wants to make the decisions, my opinion and feelings do not matter.   On the outside, everyone thinks that adoption is no big deal.  I am so lucky to have been adopted by this wonderful family.  Nobody really wanted you, so your lucky.  It amazes me at age 50, that I am still having this conversation.  That I feel like I'm still second guessing my position.  Are these really my parents?  Should I be able to step in and make decisions on my own regarding their well being?  The answer my friends, is NO.  My opinion, my feelings mean nothing.  I really am that unwanted, unloved kid found in the shopping cart, or found on the side of the road, left because I am too stupid, or not cute enough, or not clever enough to have any sense, not enough worth to make a reliable decision.

If adoption did not make a difference, if being the adopted daughter was not an issue,  why is this happening?  My sister would not be talking to me this way, and arguing about what our mother is doing.  Refusing to admit that our mother is not mentally well and needing a dementia screening.

I have not decided how to handle this, but maybe I will have to just push these awful feelings aside and do the right thing, and live with my parents and take care of them.  I really need to do this, to prove to myself that I can, that I CAN love unconditionally.    I should be able to do this, I could do it for a stranger, I can do it for my parents.  Regardless if they love me and adore me or not.