Monday, August 25, 2014

Surprising and confusing information from moms sister....

Today I found out that my mom's life growing up was a lot different...different than I was told!

Rumor has it that her dad was abusive...and her mom allowed him to be and never stopped him.  

And I mean crazy abusive, if one of the kids had a cold, he had a regimen that included an enema...and a long list of craziness.  

Her parents fought a lot, yeah I know a lot of married folks fight.  

My mom's "Mom" was also...a drinker.   My head is still spinning.  

When her mom was going to give birth to her younger twin siblings, she traveled with the other kids to give birth at her sisters house, which required taking a train.  Her dad never did call or show up, they came close to breaking up, she eventually went back, borrowed money for train fare to take 4 kids under the age of 4 on the train with her, can you imagine twin newborns.   She gave birth to a 5th child he didn't want, the baby died at birth, and he was glad.  

He was cheap, never gave them money for a darn thing.   Not even the important thing.  Even when my mom was at nursing school, a private catholic school which required her and her roommate to have matching bed spreads, he complained, gave my mom a hard time about giving her money for the bed spread.   

From what I was told, everyone disliked him, my aunt actually told me they hated him.  

This information is the last puzzle piece, the piece I've been waiting for.  The answers I've needed forever.  An explanation for all of my questions.  

Im stunned, almost at a loss for words.  I feel like I have brain freeze from eating an ice cream cone too fast.  Ive got a lump in my throat...I have feelings I don't know how to cope with or process.

I have to sit and think about this for a while.  Im at my parents house, helping mom with my dad right now.  It's so hard, and I think its a test....for me.

I find it interesting that even today, she tells stories of her parents and just skips the important things that could help me.  And information that would have helped me years ago, understand why she sat idly and watched dad be an abuser and by remaining silent was his partner and just as responsible.  She does not see that she has ever done wrong.  Yet all of her siblings are completely different than her, they are open and honest about what happened when they grew up.  My only living aunt told me that their brother would have told me all the stories, if he was still alive.  And their other sister would have told me too, but she is also gone.

I guess the next phase is now figuring out how to heal.  And process this because as I sit here today, and type this blog, she is still behaving the same way now, as she did when I was in the 4th grade.   She has not changed, and at almost 82 years old, I don't see that she will.

I have to be the one who changes, who does not carry these feelings around.  I know this, but its easier said than done.