Thursday, October 24, 2013

Dirty, disheveled girl...but obedient.

My sister and I were discussing the fact that my mom has somewhat lost it, which is why I told her about mom's comment about "Now your part of a family Cathy"

Her response was something like - I dont think she meant that, your just sensitive.

I'm sensitive?  Well, yeah.  Especially when my mom says insensitive stuff to me!

And why wouldnt I be sensitive?  And how would SHE feel if mom said to her, "Now your part of a family" at age 48?

Well, it would NEVER happen, because my sister was not adopted, I was.  And my sister doesnt feel how I feel, because she was not adopted.  AND my sister was not abused by my dad, because she was not adopted.  and, per my sister, she had a "Perfect" childhood.  Hmmm...well...we must have lived in different homes!

Im not mad at her, she just doesnt get it .  And its not her fault she was not adopted, just as its not my fault that I was!

I guess she thinks I should continue forgiving and somehow eliminate all of the things that mom says? Im sick of trying to be "Thick Skinned" and constantly processing what this woman says.    Its funny how she was confused when I told her that "SHE" had her mom, but it was not in the cards for me.  She already knows that I have been micro managing my mom since the time I was around 5.  I have been forgiving her and trying to win her affection and love most of my life.  But having said this, its taken its toll on our relationship.  Do we even have one?  Not really.  But I know my place, the #2 daughter, the obedient girl, the dirty, and disheveled one.

 I sat in mis-matched clothes.  Too big, and doughty looking, sometimes hand me downs.   Looking back I now know why I always made my own clothes once I learned to sew.  But I never quite felt put together.  I was punished for not "Liking" the clothes and shoes other people gave my parents.  One day my dad came home from work, saw these shoes next to the back door which I guess meant they were not being used.  He freaked out, hit me on the back of the leg with the bottom of these shoes which had a hiking type of bottom.  Left a huge bruise, somewhat bloody mark.  I guess this is why I have such a bitter feeling when it comes to how I look.  Its a life long struggle to somehow learn that I deserve to have nice things.  I am not mismatched, I am not defective.  They were the ones that had the problem, not being able to accept someone else's baby.

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