ADOPTION, the consuming life sucker

Adoption has sucked up so much of my life.  When you talk to the general public they react to adoption like its no big deal, real simple, something that happens in life.  They are severely disillusioned about the reality of it all.  If I decided to speak up and tell them about my experience, I would look like the crazy one when done talking.   Angelina Jolie came up because of her recent brave move to have a double mastectomy.  In talking about her, adoption comes up.  I want to blast her out of the water, and tell the others what I think about her stealing babies.  I choose my words wisely, I say something very reserved and safe.   I know the general public doesnt understand the reality of adoption!

Some actually think that being in reunion is a great thing, that by finding this family that relinquished us is a good thing, so wonderful.  How lucky I am to have a 2nd family.  They are in complete darkness as to how disabling this journey has been for me and I'd guess for so many others.  I agree it was great to know the genetics and family tree.  Very fascinating.   But cant I just have the facts, the pictures and data without all of the other nonsense for the past 30 years?  It would have been nice to be spared the years of mental torture and deep sadness and continued disappointments and repeated abandonment.  

My birth mom is a fraud, a con artist, a cheat, a liar, cannot tell the truth to save her own life.  She has chosen the dark side, so I call it when I want to make it all seem funny.  She is Darth Vader, I have joked for years to make it all seem bearable.  My birth brother is a cuckoo bird but a dangerous one.  In writing this today I realize how crazy it all really is!  

So that is the package deal.  This is the hand I was dealt, the precious gift I was given with reunion.  The slap in the face, the punch in the gut, the embarrassment, the shock .  How does a 20 year old girl deal with this?  Apparently its ended up taking me all these years to actually process and escape it all, until the age of 48.   To be able to say this beautiful morning, that I am OK.  That I do not have to accept these people as my family.  My family is my husband and my children.  I choose to be happy, I choose to have only positive and happy people in my life, regardless of who they are.  

What a crazy, emotional and drama filled ride I've taken.  So many issues to resolve, to be able to be "ME"  --I could have just buried it all, swept it under the carpet, but I would not be this version of "ME" by doing so.  I'd be a pissed off "ME" or a miserable "ME" or worse, a divorced "ME" if I could not figure it out.  Yes, this is how adoption can be disabling and the destroyer of a lot of things.  

 Adoption has altered my life experiences a lot.   By being open and honest about it, by going to therapy I have survived adoption.   I dont speak about this a lot any longer even with my husband, because we already both know how I feel and the reality of it all.  We kind of have all the answers, everything has been discussed.  If something comes up about it, we both just nod at each other.   We  know what the other is thinking.  

But how about those unfortunate souls that cant for whatever the reason break through all of this?  Years of abuse, cruelty and dysfunction are hard to process.  Both my birth family and adoptive family are not "Fixed" -- I'm the one that is fixed.  Its been a huge undertaking, a project to sort out all of the issues, there are so many.  I sat last night and read through my blogs for the first time.  WOW, I cant believe how much blogging has helped me!  Writing down my feelings and posting them really does work.  Its OK if nobody says a word to me about what I think and feel.  The point is, what I blog about is real and its how I feel.   I dont want to argue.  

I've written in the past, does it all really matter anyhow?  Yes it matters to me, and my husband as well.  Because all of this hogwash, for lack of better term, really happened.  It happened to me, for most of my life.  But without looking at it straight in the face, by tacking it, the best and only way I knew how, has saved ME.  I am OK, and I like ME.  I am the happiest I have ever been in my life.  Truly happy.  I enjoy the small stuff and I can "usually" be around my family without as much upset.  

  I want to be better , I want to listen to others more clearly, I want to be less cautious and careful about life.  Because of my experiences with adoption and family, I tend to be more cautious with people, I dont listen as well as I should.  Its hard to explain, but I think it could be because I'm so afraid of saying the wrong thing, I get caught up in being careful about what I may say, so I have a hard time listening.   I dont have anxiety, or depression, so I guess its some sort of disconnect I have.  I guess years of being silenced and being afraid to speak the truth and my own opinion has taken its toll on my social skills.   Not to mention the fact that I was given the family gift of being psychic or whatever you want to call it.  Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but its true.  Long family line of clairvoyant folks.  My great great grandfather was a MD and psychic all in one back in the old country of Lebanon.  See, this is the interesting stuff I was happy to know.  I also gave this gift to my two sons.   Another issue I have to tackle in life.  I dont have as many friends because of this family gift, I sometimes think its a burden of knowing things I dont want to know.  I guess this really is the main reason why I struggle when meeting people and why I have a difficult time listening.  Im too busy getting signs and signals other ways.  hahaha!   I know it all sounds unbelievable, but it is unfortunately true.  And why I say my birth mom has gone to the dark side, its an inside joke, she too is clairvoyant/psychic, I got it from her.  But she does not use it to her benefit and for the positive, which is why I call her Darth Vader.   And by not being good, she has lost the abilities to a point. 

I will end this here, and hope that I can continue to be a better person, mother, daughter, sister and friend.  And, someday I hope to find a school to sharpen my skills and use them in a positive way!  

The family dance I'm not part of.

I started a blog this morning saying that I was feeling peaceful regarding my adoption issues.  Spent time with some family today, came home and erased my blog (draft)!

I do have more peace, but its something else that I have found out or possibly figured out?  I emotionally react to family get togethers.  I end up arriving home, needing to be debriefed, as I did tonight.  I'm trying to take the emotions out of this.  Pretending I'm just a family friend visiting.    Taking a step back, an outsider looking in.   I noticed something tonight, I may have seen it before, but I somehow translated it differently.

My parents and sister (their birth child) all speak the same language.  I feel like I'm a foreigner, speaking another language, however we all speak English.  They speak and communicate a different way.  Almost like they know what each other is going to say.  I never noticed it before like I did tonight.

It doesn't matter what the situation, but its like an animal responding to her babies.  Its natural to them, comes naturally, no effort or strain to communicate.  Its like a 6th sense they have between them.

I dont have this in common with them.  Im positive it goes back as far as my 5th year of living, so I know its something that happened early on with my parents and I.   Possibly a disconnect when they first adopted me?  I am positive they don't know it exists and would probably deny it and say I'm crazy!

For whatever the reason, I saw this dance the three of them did tonight, a different feeling in the air between them.  I could feel it deep within.  I came home, a bit traumatized, a bit bent out of shape.  I'm trying to focus on the fact that my adoptive parents and sister are clueless about how I feel, and focus on the fact they dont see or feel what I feel.  I want to understand this intellectually, not take this to heart.  I have not done anything wrong.  There is nothing wrong with me.

Having said that, I feel fairly bad tonight.  Feel annoyed, upset, and a bit disappointed that I cant be part  of this family I have called "Mine" for the past 47 years.  I go through the motions, I call them mine, but in reality, they are not mine.  I feel good for figuring this out, but the emotional Cathy feels yucky inside.  I have to work through this, and find a way to be at peace.  I hope in time I will not react with hurt feelings when I witness their family dance.

No resolution

My dad is coming near the end of his life.  He's not doing well.  But, his mental illness is getting worse and in turn, mom is suffering.   He is abusive towards her verbally.

I have realized this past week that I am still harboring some unresolved anger towards mom.   I guess I have successfully hid this from myself.  Trying to be strong and "Normal" for my family.  Honestly, I feel like I've spent  most of my life chasing this adoption tale.  Over and over again, I go around and around with mom.  I always end up telling the story, and feeling upset.  Nothing resolved.

Then it came to me this week.  I cannot finish this cycle yet.   Mom is exactly the same as she was back when I was a small child.  She is still covering up for dad, making excuses, allowing him to abuse her.  She is suffering from a so called "Stockholm Syndrome" type of injury.  She's an enabler.  OK, so I see this and HUGE SHOCK this week!  My sister has admitted this is true!  NEWS FLASH!  CONTACT THE MEDIA!   I have waited 47 years for my sister to catch up, to come to this reality.  NOW WHAT?  I have no darn clue.   So my sister has admitted that mom is sick.

What do I do?  How do I handle this woman I have called "Mom" for 47 years?  I told my sister for the first time ever, that she has her mom,  but I dont.  That its not in the cards for me this lifetime.  That all I can be is a good mom to my own kids.  And to not repeat history.  She was silent.  Did not know how to respond.  I wrote her email about Thanksgiving, and wrote a bit about these feelings, but deleted them before sending.  I dont know if she is ready to really process this.

Mom is 80, dad is 85.  I realize they are getting older and time is ticking away.  How do I make things right with mom?  What do I say to this woman that allowed my dad to physically and mentally abuse me all of my life?    And is still running strong with this same behavior at age 80, the enabler?  She does not understand what she's doing nor can she stop herself. She is still pretending none of it happened and I bet in the near future she will have made herself believe the lies she has dold herself. 
 

How do I resolve all this conflict, before shes gone and I dont have the chance to make this right ?

DOES IT REALLY MATTER?

Does it pay to be cruel to others, to force them to see your truth?  Does it really matter if my family understands how I feel, about being adopted?   It will make me feel better, but I honestly do not believe it matters to them.

I have shown them pictures of extended family members, they look and dont have much to say, but not one has asked to see any pictures of anyone.   We were discussing family when I got together with my mom, her sister (my awesome aunt) and my sister.   I chimed into the discussion, as they were talking about having any sort of American Indian in their blood.  I said I could be part of a tribe, my great-great grandmother is full blood.  Its not that far removed.  Oh really, they said, and changed the subject.

People that want to know about adoption, they are the people that listen.   My parents generation, and even my sister who is 51 years old, they dont seem to give a hoot about how I feel, my experience, and in my opinion, the most shocking, they could care less about who I look like.

They are forced into discussion if I choose to talk about who I look like, or who my children take after.  I dont bring it up myself, I'm forced into it while the rest of my family is discussing who my sisters son and daughter take after, etc.  I sit there like an idiot, have no place in the conversation, and will chime in when I feel the time is right.  Their response, blank faces, no emotion, no comments.  And if there is a comment, its usually a negative one.  Um, I understand you all dont like my birth family, but then again, we really were not discussing if we liked them, were we?  Because last I checked, we were talking about how my sisters son looks like my dad, and hey, nobody likes our dad!   And plenty of the other relatives from my mom and dads side we didnt like!  We were just saying who looks like who, and I realize this makes them very uncomfortable when I say my son looks like grandpa Leo, from my birth family.

My point is, why forcing them to discuss this?  They dont care, and dont want to be educated.  They continue in their ignorance with happiness.  When I do bring up the dreaded discussion, im greeted with uncomfortable silence, unhappy faces, and negative words, if any are spoken.

So if I feel the need to talk about it, I talk to the good husband.  I start a sentence, and he practically finishes it for me.  He understands my point of view, he really gets it.  And that, is enough for me, and the only soap box I wish to be on.

I was right....the silence continues

I have not had a single response from birth mother since I contacted her.  Yes, she did respond to ME initially, but she has not contacted me on her own.   I am OK with this, because I dont feel the same about her as I used to.  I dont have the desire, but its interesting to see that I was right.  She was texting my aunt to get to me.  The texting has stopped.

My (adoptive) mom is still the same as well, this is just my lot in life.   I basically have no mom.  I call her mom, she acts as though she is my mom.  I am just some other woman's baby, that she has kept for 46 years.

A good example of this, was just last month when I was told at her birthday lunch with my sister.  She tells me, in this backwards sort of way, like she's terribly guilty of doing something wrong, and trying to tip toe around the subject.  She tells me that she went to an attorney to get her family trust fixed.  My dad was the first one on the list, but now that he's had a stroke and cannot speak, she has taken him off.  OK, I thought, this is a good idea.  Well here it comes.  She cleverly tells me that she drove all the way out to my town, and took my sister with her to see this attorney....oh, but your name is on the papers, it always was Cathy....     OK, so why in the heck did you not call me and tell me that you were coming all the way out to our neighborhood and why didnt you invite me to come along if you are saying I'm such an important part of this process?

I wonder if my mom has any idea how this makes me feel?  I have yet to tell her, but right now, writing this, I realize I have to call her out on it.  I'm 46 years old, not 9 years old.  And why am I not important enough to tell?  Better yet, why would they get together and not tell me, or invite me?  One can only think of one answer...and you know what that answer is, dont you?

I'm that baby, someone else's baby, she calls her daughter.  In reality, I'm just that.  I dont look like them, I am not important or trustworthy enough to be invited to attorney meetings to discuss my mothers trust.  My sister works all day long, so you know she planned this around her schedule.  Then why not at least invite me, let me know? 

So, that is the bottom line, I really feel this is true, regardless if mom never admits to it.  I'm someone else's baby, even though I am a grown woman, I am still treated like I am not quite as important as the birth sister and not trusted like her own child.  

Sad, really....

HOW DID I KNOW at age 5?

Looking back, I wonder how I knew at such a young age?   I never spoke of it, it was never discussed.  How did I know, it was February 1972.  I was 5 years old.  It was 6:00am.   I should have been confused being jolted out of sleep from a 6.6 earthquake.  But I wasnt.   I remember the sounds the earthquake made, that scared me more than the shaking.   My parents came into our room, my sister and I slept in twin beds in the same room.  They both went to my sister.  At that moment, while the earth was shaking, and making noise that sounded like a train was going to come ripping through my bedroom, time stood still.  I knew at age 6, during an earthquake that my parents were fighting about which one of them would come and comfort me.  I couldnt believe they were struggling, I was supposed to be their baby, and I thought it did not make a difference  they had my sister, and I was adopted.  At age 6, I knew what they were thinking, and why they did not want to come and comfort me during a 6.6 earthquake.  I wanted mom, but got dad, but the earthquake was over.   My mom did not come to me, I saw the look in both of their eyes, the look on their faces.  That was a defining moment for me, it was then I knew there was a difference, and that I was not loved the same way as my sister.

How did I know at age 5?  I may have known before that, but at this age I could reason a lot better, and make sense of things.  I knew that I wanted someone to come running to me during the earthquake.  I knew my parents didnt want to come and comfort and rescue me, and I knew what that meant after being told at age 2 that I was adopted.  Age 2 I knew I was different.... I was told I was special.  That my birth parents loved me so much, they gave me away.  That could be why I always hid under furniture, always feeling like I was waiting to be picked up?  Maybe I thought they were coming back for me, if they loved me so much.  The sadness I felt at age 2, is real, even if I did not understand why myself.  I didnt understand the concept of adoption at age 2, but at age 5, I knew perfectly well how I felt, and the consequences of adoption for me.

AVOIDING THINGS....

I go back and forth when it comes to dealing with my adoption issues.  I know, I'm 46 years old and why dont I just get over it and move on.  Easier said than done.  If all was well, my birth mom, birth dad, mom, dad and sister were all in sync, then maybe, just maybe I would be able to move on.

This is a big cross to bear, managing all these people.  Im really OK, on a whole.  But when you get down to the nitty gritty, there are small issues, festering inside of me.  I realize they are there at times, when family members act stupid, or something is said about this or that.  Usually something un-kind or hurtful about our family, excluding me from the mix, you know what I mean, I've blogged about it before.

What to do with all these thoughts and feelings.  I dont like adoption.  I feel very passionate about keeping your child.  At the same time I know it happens, and I know its needed.  That does not mean I have to like it.  I've been to open adoption meetings in the past, where there was a young girl with her mom & boyfriend, planning on giving away her baby.  The mother said some very ignorant things in my opinion.  I mean, it would be a cold day in hell when I told my daughter that I did not want my grandchild, regardless of the situation.  People, it would never happen, ever.  I would take care of the baby, my husband would too.  This goes for my sons as well, I would help their girlfriends as well.

Would my opinion be different if my adoption situation was different?  NO.  Not when it comes to MY grand babies.  What in the heck is wrong with people?  Encouraging your child to GIVE AWAY YOUR GRAND CHILD?   Other peoples situations upset me too, I may have more understanding if the mother was old enough to make her own decision.   I doubt it.  But, if I did have a wonderful adoption experience, maybe I would be more tolerant?   You would think that because I have such rotten birth parents, I would be against keeping your child, right?  NO.   If I was kept, would I have made a difference in everyones lives?  YES.  My full brother would of had an older sister to help him, I was the wise child, I was born strong.   I dont mean I became strong, I was strong when I was born, at a young age.  I think I would have put everyone in their place, and things would have been different?  hard to know, but that is what I believe to be true.  I could be wrong people, I  admit that I could be totally wrong.

Was it my place to fix things?  who knows?  I hear about the oldest child in the family having their place,  etc.

Well, I really have a strong opinion about adoption.  It was my biggest fear when my son had a girlfriend in high school, that she would become pregnant, and give away my grandchild.  I know, ridiculous!  But I had a full nightmare one night about this.  This is what goes through the mind of an adult adoptee.  It had to be the worst nightmare and thoughts of my entire life, besides losing one of my children.  The thought that it was even possible freaked me out, put me in a total tail spin.

The worst part is, my family, my mom & sister, both felt that if this happened to one of my children, or if it happened to my sisters daughter, they would just give that baby away!  Another HUGE fight.  This made me almost literally sick to hear this come from my mother and my sister.  HOW COULD THEY SAY THIS?  After the hell I had been through?  How could they see it right to give away a grandchild?

I dont understand this people.  Giving away your grandchild.  Encouraging it.  Sure, that child may be placed in a great family.  But what if they are not?  Then what?  You have given your own grandchild away to someone that could possibly not love her, abuse her and mistreat.

OK, I've said enough.