Monday, September 5, 2011

HOW DID I KNOW at age 5?

Looking back, I wonder how I knew at such a young age?   I never spoke of it, it was never discussed.  How did I know, it was February 1972.  I was 5 years old.  It was 6:00am.   I should have been confused being jolted out of sleep from a 6.6 earthquake.  But I wasnt.   I remember the sounds the earthquake made, that scared me more than the shaking.   My parents came into our room, my sister and I slept in twin beds in the same room.  They both went to my sister.  At that moment, while the earth was shaking, and making noise that sounded like a train was going to come ripping through my bedroom, time stood still.  I knew at age 6, during an earthquake that my parents were fighting about which one of them would come and comfort me.  I couldnt believe they were struggling, I was supposed to be their baby, and I thought it did not make a difference  they had my sister, and I was adopted.  At age 6, I knew what they were thinking, and why they did not want to come and comfort me during a 6.6 earthquake.  I wanted mom, but got dad, but the earthquake was over.   My mom did not come to me, I saw the look in both of their eyes, the look on their faces.  That was a defining moment for me, it was then I knew there was a difference, and that I was not loved the same way as my sister.

How did I know at age 5?  I may have known before that, but at this age I could reason a lot better, and make sense of things.  I knew that I wanted someone to come running to me during the earthquake.  I knew my parents didnt want to come and comfort and rescue me, and I knew what that meant after being told at age 2 that I was adopted.  Age 2 I knew I was different.... I was told I was special.  That my birth parents loved me so much, they gave me away.  That could be why I always hid under furniture, always feeling like I was waiting to be picked up?  Maybe I thought they were coming back for me, if they loved me so much.  The sadness I felt at age 2, is real, even if I did not understand why myself.  I didnt understand the concept of adoption at age 2, but at age 5, I knew perfectly well how I felt, and the consequences of adoption for me.

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