My birth mom had been texting me, nothing really earth shattering, just common things like she's working a lot, its hot outside, can't wait for the weather to change. I was telling about my dad dying. We were not talking about my (brother) but she did bring him up a bit, and the way she talked about him you'd think he was fine. In the past she spoke about my (brothers) girlfriend, as though the situation was, in my mind, normal.
Being the searcher that I am, and the information at everyone's fingertips via internet, I looked for myself. If people do not make their social media "Private" it is open for the world to see. What I saw of my (brother) I did not like, I don't think I am being cruel, just brutally honest. I have to be honest, with myself about "What Is." I went my entire life before getting married in fantasy land, even years after getting married. Pretending that what was happening was not happening. It still goes on to a point now, within my family. But I cannot pretend that a person is wonderful when in reality they are not. I searched and found that my (brothers) girlfriend is my youngest sons age.
Anyhow, back on topic. My birth mom and I do not agree. She feels other men are pigs for dating super young women. However she feels her son dating inappropriately young women is perfectly fine. We will never agree.
I started blogging years ago after dealing with my birth moms betrayal and years of her ignoring me, and a lot of wounds dealing with adoption and just life. I really thought she'd want to know me, get another chance with me by being part of my children's lives, but in reality that was not the case. She searched for me, paid someone to find me, and once she did, it was like she disappeared so to speak. I have to be honest and say she did change, the woman I met in 1984 is not the woman in year 2015. I really don't know her, she changed back around 1993, a lot of years lost. I'd like things to be different, but they can't be changed, and unfortunately, she has no intention on changing. She has chosen my (brother) and has decided to dig her heels in the sand and ignore me, my family, my children and I am guessing my own grandchildren when the time comes.
So this accident, of texting another woman named (Cathy) with a "k" was when I realized this recent texting was just so she had something to gossip about. Anything and everything I had to say she was turning around like a teenager and gossiping about it. When I texted her back and told her that I realized she accidentally texted me, her response was ridiculous, and its embarrasing reading her text. She told her best friend (Kathy) that I had told her about my dad dying, and that I had some nerve telling her this when I have a blog about "Her." Her text messages got ridiculous, after realizing she had made a mistake and whoops, texted me! Here's our dialogue:
ME: I'm guessing that was for the other "Cathy"
HER: What? Don't know...I got phone back now, Linda was using it. She's in fight with her mom, she's controlling her life, $$ etc...They fight like cats & dogs...guess its the heat?
HER: I'm getting on freeway, can't wait to get home sweating like a pig!
ME:: I do have a blog-its not about you, its about me and my experience & life. If everyone was honest and faced what has been done and what has happened, there wouldn't be a big surprise I write this blog. Its what has saved me dealing with everything.
ME: You and I have had a strained relationship and you know why. I am not the bad guy in all this, not one person is to blame.
ME: I was around when your mom died and after - it shouldn't be so hard listening to my experience now - Im guessing you talk to non related people about life.
ME: I do too - I also question why we are talking - its unfortunate that (my brothers) life has changed ours because I have not had a firm solid relationship with anyone - I understand how you feel for me is different. Its expected. But I also remember the old you - how you used to be, even the old (brother) which always gives me hope that maybe it can be fixed, be how it used to be.
ME: IF that is wrong, I am wrong.
ME: I don't want anything from you but probably what Ive always wanted which never happened, without going into a long explanation. You know. The things you never got from YOUR mom.
ME: Im a double loser, I've lost out on 2 moms, that is my cross to carry
ME: And no I don't really have strong ties to anyone except Steve, and our 3 kids and my sister. I have accepted that. I am loyal to my parents and sister-no they are not perfect, nobody is, but I have more history with them growing up than I do you and (brother)
ME:: I would have liked it to be different - but its not and probably cannot be. I'd love to have you come rushing to me with open arms, saying you were wrong and that you love me. Yep that is what Id like, not very realistic but that is the truth
ME: The anger over time is disappointment and realization I will never have a mom. That is why I blog. Its about me. not you per-se - just as I am not that baby you lost . I am not mad, just greatly disappointed. I had a lot of dreams and hope.
ME: Anyhow you don't have to keep talking to me, I get it.
HER: I don't have a problem with you voicing your opinions, feelings & thoughts. Your entitled. Its really hot today & Im working so I can't really say much right now. My client yesterday was having similar issues with her mom & daughter. They all write about their feelings, thats how this was brought up. Its more common than u think. will TTYL
Anyhow, the weather seemed to be more important than anything. Forget about how I feel. We had a little conversation, and we discussed her brother that went missing in action, so I accidentally found pics of her other brother and their son who is now in college. She had not seen pics of him in probably 14 years, so I texted her pics of him now. She never did respond again, the last text was August 29, 2015.
So the bottom line is, I endured one death after another. Her dads death, then her moms death, then her brothers death, birth dads mom. I went to all of their funerals. Not a single one had a picture of me in the pictures that were posted at the funeral, just my brother! My uncle was homeless and living in a shelter, a prior heroine addict when he died. I bought the food for the funeral, which is not the important thing, but the fact that I was involved was the important fact.
Now she is bitching that I have told her about the misery surrounding my dad dying, and she has the audacity to mimic me, yet talk nice to me in text? Seriously? Her mom had said to me when alive, in a nasty voice and with a bitter look on her face, that "She did not owe me nothin" - this somehow escaped from her mouth, although it shouldn't have! This was when I stopped to say hello to her on my way home from somewhere, before she died. I never asked anyone in my birth family for money, for material items....just love and attention. I sat with my birth mom after her mom had died, in the hospital, for probably 8 hours. It was not fun, they had to leave the ventilator in her mouth, so it was a very heartbreaking experience for me, and I had never seen someone die before.
I wish I could understand where she is coming from. I have made it very clear how I feel. My brother is bipolar, has permanent brain damage from drug use, has severe OCD, panic disorder, and lives his life on the edge and is an addict. He dates a girl old enough to be his daughter, who incidentally looks like a pole dancer, and has naked pics of herself on the internet for the world to see. I am dreadfully embarrassed to admit this man is related to me. As my oldest son has said, my (brother) is a pervert, none of my kids can believe he dates little girls, I'm included in this! My birth mom does not even know my kids, I don't think she even knows me. She has lied about me, written letter to a (now x friend ) of mine, words she wrote I don't know that I can ever undo. She has never apologized, said she is sorry, that she is wrong, and probably worse of all she has never said I love you, that I can recall.
I feel I deserve more than this, and I am lovable, and I am trustworthy. Having said this, I cannot change her and my (brothers) life choices, and again, this is even a good example of how the "Adoptee" looks like the crazy one. In their little cuckoo circle and altered reality they live in, I am painted as the crazy daughter who lies, that tells stories, and I would bet my own life that this woman I call my birth mom has lied to her friend "Kathy" about what has happened, and anyone and everyone who will listen to her. I can guarantee I am painted as the crazy daughter, as she wrote my X Friend, made me appear to be the mentally ill person and gave my (brother) my life. He is the one that is supposedly living a normal life, with a wife and kids!!!!! Hahahaha! Even though he's never been married and has no children.
THIS IS HOW ADOPTION HAS ROYALLY MESSED WITH MY LIFE. Non-adoptee's don't deal with this sort of thing, and probably the most shocking thing is SHE KEPT him and not me, and even after all these years, even after I have honestly lived a very genuinely good life, she paints me as the CRAZY GIRL! The dirty, disheveled, tossed away girl, left on the side of the road, or in the shopping cart, that nobody wanted.
There it is, another angle of adoption that not everyone out there understands. No resolution.
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Monday, October 12, 2015
Reluctant to speak
I've come to a point in my life where talking about how I feel and helping others understand what its like to be in my shoes, is not worth it. I end up looking like the crazy woman, who obviously has a large chip on her shoulder. I feel that talking about things and being up front about my own feelings is important and has been a vital part of my journey, but now that I have said what Ive said over the years, its not making a difference.
When I say these words, "Family Preservation" its like I have just said something very wrong, like threatening world peace, or insulting a religion. People in general have this idea, that adoption automatically equals insane happiness, and the adoptee should feel thankful, lucky and sometimes appreciative to even be alive.
I wonder if our world will catch up ? Will people ever understand what adoption means? Will they admit and openly discuss the fact that adoptee's really do lose their ancestry with adoption. Their constitutional right to their birth records, and in reality, they are expected to lose their rights to free speech. IF we do speak, we look like the crazy ones, because the general public, it seems everywhere in this world is still back in 1950 somewhere, lost in space with the entire adoption reality.
So here I am, age 50, and I am still afraid, somewhat reluctant now that I'm a bit older, to even speak out loud to anyone about the reality of adoption, the good and the bad. My adoption experience, even in a random conversation. I stop, think very hard about what I am going to say, if it will spark controversy, or will offend someone. We had gone into this store where they sell facial products, my sister allowed them to put the product on her face, I waited by the door talking to some of the kids working there. The one guy said to me, you are sisters, you don't look anything alike, and jokingly said, maybe she's adopted. I said, well no, I am adopted. He thought I was joking, and I confirmed, that yes I am. Mom was standing in the shade, it was a very hot day, and they realized that sister looks like mom, and they started asking more questions. I felt very uncomfortable talking about who I am, as though it was wrong to tell them my ethnicity. I whispered to them quickly, not wanting to upset my mom, not that she would be mad, it just seems to come up when people we've met see my sister and I together. Its obvious, especially when they see mom and dad. Most of the nurses with hospice who come to help dad mention that I don't look like either parent. Its not that its wrong, or that its bad, it just uncomfortable for others! haha!
Until this world gets on track, and starts admitting that its got a BIG problem, there is no reason for me to continue to beat myself up, and end up looking like the disturbed woman, the adoptee that most people do not understand.
So here I am, age 50, and I am still afraid, somewhat reluctant now that I'm a bit older, to even speak out loud to anyone about the reality of adoption, the good and the bad. My adoption experience, even in a random conversation. I stop, think very hard about what I am going to say, if it will spark controversy, or will offend someone. We had gone into this store where they sell facial products, my sister allowed them to put the product on her face, I waited by the door talking to some of the kids working there. The one guy said to me, you are sisters, you don't look anything alike, and jokingly said, maybe she's adopted. I said, well no, I am adopted. He thought I was joking, and I confirmed, that yes I am. Mom was standing in the shade, it was a very hot day, and they realized that sister looks like mom, and they started asking more questions. I felt very uncomfortable talking about who I am, as though it was wrong to tell them my ethnicity. I whispered to them quickly, not wanting to upset my mom, not that she would be mad, it just seems to come up when people we've met see my sister and I together. Its obvious, especially when they see mom and dad. Most of the nurses with hospice who come to help dad mention that I don't look like either parent. Its not that its wrong, or that its bad, it just uncomfortable for others! haha!
Until this world gets on track, and starts admitting that its got a BIG problem, there is no reason for me to continue to beat myself up, and end up looking like the disturbed woman, the adoptee that most people do not understand.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
I don't need this mother
Lesson learned. Cannot trust those that are not blood related, except my own husband.
My help, my opinion, not needed nor are they interested in knowing it.
I am not trustworthy, they feel. I cannot be responsible for anything important, except for parent sitting when said relative decides to take our mother and her sister to a play. I then, can be responsible for 10 hours, and oh, don't forget that dinner I was reminded to plan in advance so when they arrive back from the play, they can eat! Because this relative of mine stated she has to work the next day, so she does not want to be at our parents house all night long! Oh, excuse me. Oh, and don't forget to get the ingredients for whatever your cooking, although our aunt had mentioned she loves pizza, and maybe a salad, because you won't be able to leave dad alone while we are gone! I guess I'm also an idiot, and have not raised 3 children, and somehow have forgotten how to cook...even though I am the one who usually does most of the cooking and baking at all our holidays over the years. Maybe they should just kick me in the rump and slap me in the face too. Gets better, I was also told to watch dad while my sister and mom took my aunt to the airport.
So this is how its going to be from this point forward. I will not go back to moms house unless I am asked, very nicely. I will never be anyone's maid, cook, or be used again.
The past year I have scrubbed pee off carpets, scrubbed floors, changed beds, cleaned house, laundry, windowsills all in the name of helping mom whiled dad is dying. Now, I see that my help, even though it was accepted, was not wanted. Wow, do I feel like a fool. I guess when I volunteered to put eye drops in my dads eyes and my mom would not trust me to do this, I should have gotten a clue!
My relatives forgot to let me know that a supposed important person in my life, my own mother, was going back to the cardiologist yesterday. Mind you I took her to countless doctor appointments in prior months, kept my lovely sister in the loop every step of the way. And my own mother is going in for an ultrasound on Monday for her carotid arteries, something that slipped their minds. As usual, I get a call many hours later from my mother, she left a message, once she realized that I somehow was forgotten in her plans. Oh, gee, I was not needed to baby sit my dad, or schlep her to the doctors, so I guess that is why I was forgotten. If I had not asked my sister about something, I never would have known. I am their last thought, and to be honest, I am sick of this. I cannot and will not do this again to myself.
This same thing happened when my mom went in for the actual procedure a few months ago, I had spent days at her house, each week, taking her to tests, appointments, etc, and when it came time, my sister arrived, and told me I was baby sitting my dad and she was taking mom. The next day after moms procedure, they both got up, got dressed, said nothing to me and off they went, for 3 hours and left me with my dad.
What other conclusion can I come to? Im important enough when I am taking care of dad all day and night and cook them dinner, so they can go see a play, but when my services are not needed, I am kicked to the curb, my feelings not important, keeping me informed, not important to them. I am the last person they think of. Im just free maid service.
Sad, heck yeah. But as my dear husband said yesterday after work, "I don't mean to make you feel bad or mad, but you don't need a mother" - that really hit me between the eyes. He is right, I do not need this mother, because she is not my mother. She is a woman, that took someone else's baby, and does not have the same feelings for this baby as she does her own. Nothing can be done about it, its not my fault, its just is.
My help, my opinion, not needed nor are they interested in knowing it.
I am not trustworthy, they feel. I cannot be responsible for anything important, except for parent sitting when said relative decides to take our mother and her sister to a play. I then, can be responsible for 10 hours, and oh, don't forget that dinner I was reminded to plan in advance so when they arrive back from the play, they can eat! Because this relative of mine stated she has to work the next day, so she does not want to be at our parents house all night long! Oh, excuse me. Oh, and don't forget to get the ingredients for whatever your cooking, although our aunt had mentioned she loves pizza, and maybe a salad, because you won't be able to leave dad alone while we are gone! I guess I'm also an idiot, and have not raised 3 children, and somehow have forgotten how to cook...even though I am the one who usually does most of the cooking and baking at all our holidays over the years. Maybe they should just kick me in the rump and slap me in the face too. Gets better, I was also told to watch dad while my sister and mom took my aunt to the airport.
So this is how its going to be from this point forward. I will not go back to moms house unless I am asked, very nicely. I will never be anyone's maid, cook, or be used again.
The past year I have scrubbed pee off carpets, scrubbed floors, changed beds, cleaned house, laundry, windowsills all in the name of helping mom whiled dad is dying. Now, I see that my help, even though it was accepted, was not wanted. Wow, do I feel like a fool. I guess when I volunteered to put eye drops in my dads eyes and my mom would not trust me to do this, I should have gotten a clue!
My relatives forgot to let me know that a supposed important person in my life, my own mother, was going back to the cardiologist yesterday. Mind you I took her to countless doctor appointments in prior months, kept my lovely sister in the loop every step of the way. And my own mother is going in for an ultrasound on Monday for her carotid arteries, something that slipped their minds. As usual, I get a call many hours later from my mother, she left a message, once she realized that I somehow was forgotten in her plans. Oh, gee, I was not needed to baby sit my dad, or schlep her to the doctors, so I guess that is why I was forgotten. If I had not asked my sister about something, I never would have known. I am their last thought, and to be honest, I am sick of this. I cannot and will not do this again to myself.
This same thing happened when my mom went in for the actual procedure a few months ago, I had spent days at her house, each week, taking her to tests, appointments, etc, and when it came time, my sister arrived, and told me I was baby sitting my dad and she was taking mom. The next day after moms procedure, they both got up, got dressed, said nothing to me and off they went, for 3 hours and left me with my dad.
What other conclusion can I come to? Im important enough when I am taking care of dad all day and night and cook them dinner, so they can go see a play, but when my services are not needed, I am kicked to the curb, my feelings not important, keeping me informed, not important to them. I am the last person they think of. Im just free maid service.
Sad, heck yeah. But as my dear husband said yesterday after work, "I don't mean to make you feel bad or mad, but you don't need a mother" - that really hit me between the eyes. He is right, I do not need this mother, because she is not my mother. She is a woman, that took someone else's baby, and does not have the same feelings for this baby as she does her own. Nothing can be done about it, its not my fault, its just is.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Adoption continues to take
I hope by blogging I can explain what I'm feeling. I am not even sure how to get these thoughts on paper or what words I will use to communicate my feelings.
Why is it that as an adoptee so many in the triad feel they can take things from me, or try to take from me, crack stupid jokes about adoption, and always belittle how I feel. But there is this specific dynamic within birth families that still remains a mystery to me. I don't know where it comes from, but it does exist. To date, my birth mom has deceived me, betrayed me, lied to me countless times, has chosen to have no relationship with my children, the list goes on, and NOT ONCE has she ever apologized, said she is sorry, or wrong.
My birth mom has always kept me at a distance. I'm usually the one to track her down, for the most part.
Why does she continue to act like she can say and do whatever she wants without any consequences to how I feel? Apparently she feels there are no boundaries for her. Same goes for my brother, her son. He has always felt that he has the right to try and convince my children that my husband and I are bad parents, they have both talked bad about us. They both paint this picture to the rest of the world, they are the best people, the best grandma and uncle to my children, and WE are the problem. The frightening part is that she and my birth brother are believable, charming, convincing AND they believe their lies! I have not trusted either of them for many years.
My brother over the years has continued to bully me, my kids and my husband. Yet now, today, he claims my husbands brother as HIS family. This is why I get upset when I see this is going on. I am so sick of them bullying me, and the fact they feel they have the right to take anything they want from me, even things that are clearly not theirs. My brother states on the internet to the old time skaters and surfers that knew my brother in law, that he was his uncle. I blogged about this the other day. How is it that you cannot stand ME, can't even talk to me, and have threatened to kill my entire family (which you later lied about doing & called my children liars) YET you are now, claiming MY HUSBANDS family as your own? Pretending to be the nephew of my husbands brother? You hate me, yet you manipulate my kids over the years, almost like a pedophile, luring children into their house. My brother has always liked young girls, when my daughter was in middle school he started talking to girls on line, that were in her 7th grade class. At the time he was about 28 years old, pretending to be MY KIDS COUSIN. Sound familiar? He had been talking to this little girl who ended up committing suicide. He knew about it before it hit the newspaper, before we even knew about it. HERES THE SICK PART...my birth mom and brother both lie about it now, make it seem like I have made this up, and I am the crazy one. I have nothing better to do but sit around and make up stuff! It did happen, my adult kids can attest to this. My oldest has received several threats from my brother left on his cell phone, death threats. According to my birth mom & brother, we are all the crazy ones, living lies, and none of this ever happened!
Its hard to explain in words, I don't even know why this has happened over the years. The lies, the manipulation, the deceit. WHY? What do they want? Sometimes it feels like they want to annihilate me, step in and take over my life. Everything they have done, and trust me its not been a cake walk, they have lied about, stated that "Cathy is mentally ill" -- I guess all 5 of us are crazy! My daughter and youngest son will never even acknowledge them. My oldest son has more memories of them, but he was really little and his judgment is not that great. Now, he has realized that maybe Kelly my brother is not the greatest guy that walked earth. Honestly, Kelly my brother is not a person you can even have small talk with, he's dangerous, cruel, manipulating, mentally ill, has brain damage from drugs, and hates all of us. Not a good combination, its somewhat lethal.
So you ask, why would I talk to these people? I always have hope, hope that they will change, make different life choices. Well, I have not talked to my brother in many years. I've had nothing to do with him. I recently spoke via text with my birth mom, and of course she continues to lie about my brother. She always paints a picture of this man (age 40 now) who is living this sedentary, normal life. So I see all of his Instagram pictures, which just about made me sick. I see his girlfriends pages and her pictures, which made me even more sick inside. My birth mom slips and says the girlfriend is mentally ill as well. Gee, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out WHY a girl age 21 would be dating a man older than her parents. My brother lives a wild and crazy life. He's drinking, acting and dressing like he's a young kid, and I am sure this is taking its toll on him. He looks awful, and these pictures prove that my birth mom is living in la-la land, lying to me about what he's doing and how he is doing. If his Type 1 diabetes is out of control, its his choices that are making that happen. This young girl that looks like a hooker/stripper, and their vulgar pictures and talk would make anyone feel sick. I am ashamed to even admit this man is my brother, and why I have decided that I can no longer call him that. This same behavior has been going on since he was much younger and to be honest, I'm exhausted. I don't deserve this, and I have chosen not to be part of their lives and I supposed I have to give up hope they will ever get it together and live somewhat decent lives.
I realize my birth mom has betrayed me in the past, and it seems she is not capable of being truthful. Which brings me full circle. I feel she is always manipulating me, and lying and there is no logical reason why? What does she want from me? Why does she contact me when I really do believe she does not like me?
Adoptee's are the pit everyone dumps into. Adoptee's micromanage the families, taking abuse at times, forget an apology, or any sort of feelings that would show they have remorse. Its because we don't have the spot in any family, really. We were taken from our birth family, never to really connect and bond with any of them, and the adoptive family we were stuck in are not always a match, loss of fertility issues, a father not wanting a child that is not his blood. We have to make our own family, however we choose to do this.
When someone comes into my family, like my brother and tries to take what I have made, for myself, and have worked so hard to attain, I pretty much go into battle mode. Who does he think he is? How and why does he feel he has the right to pretend to be my husbands nephew? Pretend to be the cousin of MY children. How does he have the gumption to say he is anything to me except being born of the same two people? He has not done any work to say he is my chidrens uncle, he does not even deserve the label of acquaintance. To me he is dirt, he has no class, he is a scum sucking bottom dweller. And my birth mom is similar, lying for him, even though he is age 40, pretending he is the better child of the two, when in reality she is probably thinking wow, I gave away the better of the two children I had!
I am so angry they both still feel they have "Rights" to me and my family. I cannot stand the fact that my brother has posted pictures of MY family on line, all over the place, claiming to be MY husbands brother, who passed away years ago. Preying upon people, lying, manipulating. Its like he still THINKS he has the right to dump on me!
Why is it that as an adoptee so many in the triad feel they can take things from me, or try to take from me, crack stupid jokes about adoption, and always belittle how I feel. But there is this specific dynamic within birth families that still remains a mystery to me. I don't know where it comes from, but it does exist. To date, my birth mom has deceived me, betrayed me, lied to me countless times, has chosen to have no relationship with my children, the list goes on, and NOT ONCE has she ever apologized, said she is sorry, or wrong.
My birth mom has always kept me at a distance. I'm usually the one to track her down, for the most part.
Why does she continue to act like she can say and do whatever she wants without any consequences to how I feel? Apparently she feels there are no boundaries for her. Same goes for my brother, her son. He has always felt that he has the right to try and convince my children that my husband and I are bad parents, they have both talked bad about us. They both paint this picture to the rest of the world, they are the best people, the best grandma and uncle to my children, and WE are the problem. The frightening part is that she and my birth brother are believable, charming, convincing AND they believe their lies! I have not trusted either of them for many years.
My brother over the years has continued to bully me, my kids and my husband. Yet now, today, he claims my husbands brother as HIS family. This is why I get upset when I see this is going on. I am so sick of them bullying me, and the fact they feel they have the right to take anything they want from me, even things that are clearly not theirs. My brother states on the internet to the old time skaters and surfers that knew my brother in law, that he was his uncle. I blogged about this the other day. How is it that you cannot stand ME, can't even talk to me, and have threatened to kill my entire family (which you later lied about doing & called my children liars) YET you are now, claiming MY HUSBANDS family as your own? Pretending to be the nephew of my husbands brother? You hate me, yet you manipulate my kids over the years, almost like a pedophile, luring children into their house. My brother has always liked young girls, when my daughter was in middle school he started talking to girls on line, that were in her 7th grade class. At the time he was about 28 years old, pretending to be MY KIDS COUSIN. Sound familiar? He had been talking to this little girl who ended up committing suicide. He knew about it before it hit the newspaper, before we even knew about it. HERES THE SICK PART...my birth mom and brother both lie about it now, make it seem like I have made this up, and I am the crazy one. I have nothing better to do but sit around and make up stuff! It did happen, my adult kids can attest to this. My oldest has received several threats from my brother left on his cell phone, death threats. According to my birth mom & brother, we are all the crazy ones, living lies, and none of this ever happened!
Its hard to explain in words, I don't even know why this has happened over the years. The lies, the manipulation, the deceit. WHY? What do they want? Sometimes it feels like they want to annihilate me, step in and take over my life. Everything they have done, and trust me its not been a cake walk, they have lied about, stated that "Cathy is mentally ill" -- I guess all 5 of us are crazy! My daughter and youngest son will never even acknowledge them. My oldest son has more memories of them, but he was really little and his judgment is not that great. Now, he has realized that maybe Kelly my brother is not the greatest guy that walked earth. Honestly, Kelly my brother is not a person you can even have small talk with, he's dangerous, cruel, manipulating, mentally ill, has brain damage from drugs, and hates all of us. Not a good combination, its somewhat lethal.
So you ask, why would I talk to these people? I always have hope, hope that they will change, make different life choices. Well, I have not talked to my brother in many years. I've had nothing to do with him. I recently spoke via text with my birth mom, and of course she continues to lie about my brother. She always paints a picture of this man (age 40 now) who is living this sedentary, normal life. So I see all of his Instagram pictures, which just about made me sick. I see his girlfriends pages and her pictures, which made me even more sick inside. My birth mom slips and says the girlfriend is mentally ill as well. Gee, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out WHY a girl age 21 would be dating a man older than her parents. My brother lives a wild and crazy life. He's drinking, acting and dressing like he's a young kid, and I am sure this is taking its toll on him. He looks awful, and these pictures prove that my birth mom is living in la-la land, lying to me about what he's doing and how he is doing. If his Type 1 diabetes is out of control, its his choices that are making that happen. This young girl that looks like a hooker/stripper, and their vulgar pictures and talk would make anyone feel sick. I am ashamed to even admit this man is my brother, and why I have decided that I can no longer call him that. This same behavior has been going on since he was much younger and to be honest, I'm exhausted. I don't deserve this, and I have chosen not to be part of their lives and I supposed I have to give up hope they will ever get it together and live somewhat decent lives.
I realize my birth mom has betrayed me in the past, and it seems she is not capable of being truthful. Which brings me full circle. I feel she is always manipulating me, and lying and there is no logical reason why? What does she want from me? Why does she contact me when I really do believe she does not like me?
Adoptee's are the pit everyone dumps into. Adoptee's micromanage the families, taking abuse at times, forget an apology, or any sort of feelings that would show they have remorse. Its because we don't have the spot in any family, really. We were taken from our birth family, never to really connect and bond with any of them, and the adoptive family we were stuck in are not always a match, loss of fertility issues, a father not wanting a child that is not his blood. We have to make our own family, however we choose to do this.
When someone comes into my family, like my brother and tries to take what I have made, for myself, and have worked so hard to attain, I pretty much go into battle mode. Who does he think he is? How and why does he feel he has the right to pretend to be my husbands nephew? Pretend to be the cousin of MY children. How does he have the gumption to say he is anything to me except being born of the same two people? He has not done any work to say he is my chidrens uncle, he does not even deserve the label of acquaintance. To me he is dirt, he has no class, he is a scum sucking bottom dweller. And my birth mom is similar, lying for him, even though he is age 40, pretending he is the better child of the two, when in reality she is probably thinking wow, I gave away the better of the two children I had!
I am so angry they both still feel they have "Rights" to me and my family. I cannot stand the fact that my brother has posted pictures of MY family on line, all over the place, claiming to be MY husbands brother, who passed away years ago. Preying upon people, lying, manipulating. Its like he still THINKS he has the right to dump on me!
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Don't tell me I'm too emotional
I have to pull up my skirt, I have to stop this craziness. My mom needs me to help her right now, and I have to step up and move into her house and be there for her, until my dad dies.
Can I do this? Can I ? Can I help her without feeling like I want to go running through the streets pulling my hair out?
I texted my sister, she is on a trip with her daughter. As though this trip is so important, she tells me she cannot talk to me about (mom) she is "Trying to have fun." Oh, wow, sorry.
Remind you, I have rheumatoid arthritis, I have zero pain relief and I somehow find the strength to spend countless days at moms. She, on the other hand feels that when she is on a trip, a trip that has very little meaning , that she is not to be bothered by things like our mom not making sense, and firing my dads caretaker. (dad is at home in hospice)
This is where my feelings of being that dirty, unwanted kid come in. My feelings, my opinion and concern for our parents is not of worth to her. She gets to decide what happens to [her] parents. Shut up Cathy, we don't want to hear your ideas, your worries, your concerns. That is what she is saying when she tells me she cannot talk about this [now] because she is trying to have fun! When she shuts me up and says that what I have experienced is not real, it did not happen! This is why I have resorted to video taping things that happen at our parents house.
Sorry, but this is pure insanity in my opinion. Your trying to have fun? Give me a #&$(% break.
Yeah, I know this could happen in any family. But this is not any family.
The question still remains, do I continue to push my way into this? Do I help my mom & dad? Or should I back off and allow my sister, their birth child to make all the decisions? It seems I am looked at as being too emotional. Even though my mom cannot remember what was discussed just 5 minutes ago, I guess I am over reacting. She is living alone, with my dad who is dying. She has fired now her 2nd caretaker for my dad, who is blind, cannot do anything for himself, and mom is a train wreck. She can barely take care of herself, and her health is not good. She is not making wise choices, and telling me she does not have the money for a caretaker. She does have the money! Got so mean she basically hung up on me, and let me tell you her sister called me worried as well. Saying that she was not making sense.
I think my sister wants to be in the drivers seat. She wants to make the decisions, my opinion and feelings do not matter. On the outside, everyone thinks that adoption is no big deal. I am so lucky to have been adopted by this wonderful family. Nobody really wanted you, so your lucky. It amazes me at age 50, that I am still having this conversation. That I feel like I'm still second guessing my position. Are these really my parents? Should I be able to step in and make decisions on my own regarding their well being? The answer my friends, is NO. My opinion, my feelings mean nothing. I really am that unwanted, unloved kid found in the shopping cart, or found on the side of the road, left because I am too stupid, or not cute enough, or not clever enough to have any sense, not enough worth to make a reliable decision.
If adoption did not make a difference, if being the adopted daughter was not an issue, why is this happening? My sister would not be talking to me this way, and arguing about what our mother is doing. Refusing to admit that our mother is not mentally well and needing a dementia screening.
I have not decided how to handle this, but maybe I will have to just push these awful feelings aside and do the right thing, and live with my parents and take care of them. I really need to do this, to prove to myself that I can, that I CAN love unconditionally. I should be able to do this, I could do it for a stranger, I can do it for my parents. Regardless if they love me and adore me or not.
Can I do this? Can I ? Can I help her without feeling like I want to go running through the streets pulling my hair out?
I texted my sister, she is on a trip with her daughter. As though this trip is so important, she tells me she cannot talk to me about (mom) she is "Trying to have fun." Oh, wow, sorry.
Remind you, I have rheumatoid arthritis, I have zero pain relief and I somehow find the strength to spend countless days at moms. She, on the other hand feels that when she is on a trip, a trip that has very little meaning , that she is not to be bothered by things like our mom not making sense, and firing my dads caretaker. (dad is at home in hospice)
This is where my feelings of being that dirty, unwanted kid come in. My feelings, my opinion and concern for our parents is not of worth to her. She gets to decide what happens to [her] parents. Shut up Cathy, we don't want to hear your ideas, your worries, your concerns. That is what she is saying when she tells me she cannot talk about this [now] because she is trying to have fun! When she shuts me up and says that what I have experienced is not real, it did not happen! This is why I have resorted to video taping things that happen at our parents house.
Sorry, but this is pure insanity in my opinion. Your trying to have fun? Give me a #&$(% break.
Yeah, I know this could happen in any family. But this is not any family.
The question still remains, do I continue to push my way into this? Do I help my mom & dad? Or should I back off and allow my sister, their birth child to make all the decisions? It seems I am looked at as being too emotional. Even though my mom cannot remember what was discussed just 5 minutes ago, I guess I am over reacting. She is living alone, with my dad who is dying. She has fired now her 2nd caretaker for my dad, who is blind, cannot do anything for himself, and mom is a train wreck. She can barely take care of herself, and her health is not good. She is not making wise choices, and telling me she does not have the money for a caretaker. She does have the money! Got so mean she basically hung up on me, and let me tell you her sister called me worried as well. Saying that she was not making sense.
I think my sister wants to be in the drivers seat. She wants to make the decisions, my opinion and feelings do not matter. On the outside, everyone thinks that adoption is no big deal. I am so lucky to have been adopted by this wonderful family. Nobody really wanted you, so your lucky. It amazes me at age 50, that I am still having this conversation. That I feel like I'm still second guessing my position. Are these really my parents? Should I be able to step in and make decisions on my own regarding their well being? The answer my friends, is NO. My opinion, my feelings mean nothing. I really am that unwanted, unloved kid found in the shopping cart, or found on the side of the road, left because I am too stupid, or not cute enough, or not clever enough to have any sense, not enough worth to make a reliable decision.
If adoption did not make a difference, if being the adopted daughter was not an issue, why is this happening? My sister would not be talking to me this way, and arguing about what our mother is doing. Refusing to admit that our mother is not mentally well and needing a dementia screening.
I have not decided how to handle this, but maybe I will have to just push these awful feelings aside and do the right thing, and live with my parents and take care of them. I really need to do this, to prove to myself that I can, that I CAN love unconditionally. I should be able to do this, I could do it for a stranger, I can do it for my parents. Regardless if they love me and adore me or not.
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
I will always long for my mom
As a little girl I always tried to force mom to be close to me, I'd sit in her lap, I remember laying on the couch with her. Remember the game kids play, you put the bottom of your feet on the other persons feet, and pretend your riding a bike? I always laid with her, even though she was in a bad state at the time. Looking back I didn't get what I wanted. I don't think I thought that way at the time, I did not realize that I wasn't getting what I wanted or that it was not possible. But as years went by and I grew up, I just know I did not trust women, or want to be close to women like the closeness shared by a mother and child.
I took care of my mom, behind closed doors. On the other side of the door she was a nurse, taking care of others. But when I had her, I was the nurse. That is how it felt to me. It was my job to make sure she didn't somehow die, and I was there to comfort her when she was crying. I'm not really blaming her for this, she was unhappy and did not have the tools to make it better for herself. She still doesn't have the tools. To be honest, she did cook, and clean. She did not take care of herself, though. She did not care what she really looked like, as far as her hair and clothing. She has never worn a stitch of make up. She used to care, I have the pictures to prove it, before she was married and shortly after. Cute clothes and make up were part of her daily routine.
I'm not sure what this does to a kid, having a mother that does not show affection. My old friends tell me I was quiet as a kid, never said much, but I was kind and always shared my lunch if someone did not have one. I did not get mad and mean until my teenage years. Mom did make my lunch, she was so worried about what others would think, at age 83 she is still worried about what others think! But I know how I feel now, about the years of my life spent longing for what I've never received...it has tried to take over my life and heart.
Its strange, because I have a relationship with my mom, now. But its not what it should be, we can never fix what is broken. I realize this now, but in all honesty it does not make it any easier. I still long to have what I cannot have. I know I'm repeating myself. But I want to give myself permission to grieve what I cannot have in this lifetime. And watching my sister so attached to mom makes it somehow harder. I see that she really cares for mom differently than I do. She received what I did not receive from this woman we call our mom. With hesitation I say I love you. Knowing that I do not have the same love for her as I do my husband or children. I do not love her as I should. I feel guilt about this, and I feel shame. I cannot make myself love her as I should. I have tried again and again. I want to, so badly. This years Mother's Day the pain in my heart was not as bad, so I think I may have achieved some relief, forgiven myself a little for not feeling how I should for mom.
But I know I will keep trying and trying, in hopes that something will ignite inside of me, and I will all of a sudden feel that click in my head and feel differently. It does not come, that click. I feel disappointed, I feel sad, and I lick my wounds and time passes by.
But I thought telling mom about my blog, and how I felt about a lot of what she has done over the past 50 years would make that click come. It did not. Instead it made her look more tired and old. In turn I felt guilty when I saw her on Mothers Day, after spending one week away from her house. I'm usually at her house every week, helping her with dad. She is slowing down, and seems worn out. Its sad that she has refused to attend counseling with me, I suggested it many times. I'm realizing she will never go, because that would mean allowing someone to know the truth of her life, the abuse and neglect, the awful life she has lived with a man she does not like. She talks to people she does not know and tells them lies about how her life is, paints a picture of the perfect family, perfect everything. It almost makes me sick, her deception. The truth cannot be exposed, and keeping that truth hidden is more important to mom than having a relationship with me, or my children, in this lifetime.
I took care of my mom, behind closed doors. On the other side of the door she was a nurse, taking care of others. But when I had her, I was the nurse. That is how it felt to me. It was my job to make sure she didn't somehow die, and I was there to comfort her when she was crying. I'm not really blaming her for this, she was unhappy and did not have the tools to make it better for herself. She still doesn't have the tools. To be honest, she did cook, and clean. She did not take care of herself, though. She did not care what she really looked like, as far as her hair and clothing. She has never worn a stitch of make up. She used to care, I have the pictures to prove it, before she was married and shortly after. Cute clothes and make up were part of her daily routine.
I'm not sure what this does to a kid, having a mother that does not show affection. My old friends tell me I was quiet as a kid, never said much, but I was kind and always shared my lunch if someone did not have one. I did not get mad and mean until my teenage years. Mom did make my lunch, she was so worried about what others would think, at age 83 she is still worried about what others think! But I know how I feel now, about the years of my life spent longing for what I've never received...it has tried to take over my life and heart.
Its strange, because I have a relationship with my mom, now. But its not what it should be, we can never fix what is broken. I realize this now, but in all honesty it does not make it any easier. I still long to have what I cannot have. I know I'm repeating myself. But I want to give myself permission to grieve what I cannot have in this lifetime. And watching my sister so attached to mom makes it somehow harder. I see that she really cares for mom differently than I do. She received what I did not receive from this woman we call our mom. With hesitation I say I love you. Knowing that I do not have the same love for her as I do my husband or children. I do not love her as I should. I feel guilt about this, and I feel shame. I cannot make myself love her as I should. I have tried again and again. I want to, so badly. This years Mother's Day the pain in my heart was not as bad, so I think I may have achieved some relief, forgiven myself a little for not feeling how I should for mom.
But I know I will keep trying and trying, in hopes that something will ignite inside of me, and I will all of a sudden feel that click in my head and feel differently. It does not come, that click. I feel disappointed, I feel sad, and I lick my wounds and time passes by.
But I thought telling mom about my blog, and how I felt about a lot of what she has done over the past 50 years would make that click come. It did not. Instead it made her look more tired and old. In turn I felt guilty when I saw her on Mothers Day, after spending one week away from her house. I'm usually at her house every week, helping her with dad. She is slowing down, and seems worn out. Its sad that she has refused to attend counseling with me, I suggested it many times. I'm realizing she will never go, because that would mean allowing someone to know the truth of her life, the abuse and neglect, the awful life she has lived with a man she does not like. She talks to people she does not know and tells them lies about how her life is, paints a picture of the perfect family, perfect everything. It almost makes me sick, her deception. The truth cannot be exposed, and keeping that truth hidden is more important to mom than having a relationship with me, or my children, in this lifetime.
Monday, May 11, 2015
Another Mothers Day
I figured a way to get through it, even though I have my children and my amazing husband. Not that my boys are great at sentiment, but I got a great dinner cooked for me. I feel blogging helped me get to the place I'm at now .
We celebrated with my mom on Saturday. My sister and I took her to lunch. It was nice, it was hard but I managed to make it through.
I had meant to pick out a card at Target while I was there earlier in the week, I even procrastinated printing a picture out for the frame I bought. My husband dropped me off at my sisters house, and on the way I picked up a card at Hallmark. WOW, swoosh, kicked in the gut as I read the Mothers Day cards from a daughter. Panic time, I started sweating, looking around to see if anyone was watching me furiously picking up cards, reading the first sentence, and putting it back. My husband was waiting in the car, as I read faster and faster. Mad at myself for somehow conveniently forgetting to pick one out at Target. I had to convince myself that it was OK to pick out a card that was not completely true. That it didn't matter, not really. So I picked a card, that talked about how important a mothers love is. I should have made my own card, picked a picture from years ago and cut, pasted and decorated it, allowing me to just say, "Happy Mothers Day" instead.
I signed the card, "Love Cathy" and felt unsure. Love. Love is a big word. Again talked myself into feeling OK inside, thinking it doesn't matter what I really feel. Its just a card.
The day went by, no major issues. We did some shopping. My sister bought some pants. I bought some shoes. We had our waiter take a picture of the three of us. I cannot deny the fact that I was glad the day was over, when it was over. The picture is good, in my opinion. I tried to scoot down to look smaller. My sister is a clone of my mom. Even their body type, their skin, hair, etc. Not everything is the same. I did not feel super exposed, like I was the 3rd wheel this time. I think its about how I feel inside, not because of what they have said or done. Simple things maybe others would not even notice to begin with. I told mom about my blog, and about some of the things I feel inside which are a result of years of trials. I think telling her has taken its toll on her, and although I realize she does know these things already, they have not been taken out of the dust pan and looked at. So in a way, its like she doesn't know what "IS." Its important that I tell her how I feel, and to talk about the reasons why our relationship has been strained for my entire life. Again, she does know these truths, but she has hidden them from herself, and pretended all is OK for so long, its difficult to grasp whats real when you've lied for so long.
I will always long for my mom. A woman that brushes my hair, adores me and makes me feel as though I am the most important thing in her life. How I have always wanted her to choose me, instead of others. Quite an irony, that I was chosen, and still at age 50 yearn to be chosen. I wish there was a way to go back in time, for her to take back all of the things that have happened, and to change the current status of our relationship. The behaviors I've dealt with continue today, so its an on going struggle.
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