I started back to therapy, for a short time and decided to go back to Al-Anon. I've been MIA for 16 years and decided it was time seeing the new challenges in my life. I feel like I am in a better place now to process and make permanent decisions on a lot of issues I have struggled with for 34 years. One of them being my birth mom.
I have made a difficult and permanent decision, and that was one of the reason for therapy. I have decided, with the help of my therapist, to divorce my birth mom. It is necessary and long overdue. I have continued over the years to keep this "Fantasy" alive. I have kept up the charade that my birth mom will somehow miraculously change and be my fantasy mom.
Its an awakening for me, I feel like I have just woke up from a long sleep. I've looked around and realized I have been punishing myself, and practically begging this woman to love me. To accept me, and maybe even give me a hug and say, "I love you, unconditionally, no matter what." I've compromised, Ive given more than I have received, and truthfully, I do not like what I have been offered. I have been cheating myself, pretending that it doesn't matter, because she gave birth to me and I have to accept her the way she is. I have even tried to convince her to love my children, her grandchildren, based on Ancestry rules. She doesnt know my kids, and has never been interested in them since they were born.
NO WAY! Another BAM, smack in the face moment. A punch in the gut for me, literally! Hey, guess what, NO, I do NOT have to continue to speak to you because you gave birth to me. I get to decide who is in my life, and I have made the decision that I am a pretty good gal, and I am worthy of being loved, adored, appreciated and respected, unconditionally!
I have raised with my husband, three wonderful humans. Somehow, this woman I call my birth mom thinks her absence all these years is not a big deal. She feels she can reap the benefits of calling our children "Her grandchildren" even if she has been absent most of their lives. She feels it makes her look good, to have these three wonderful people as her grandchildren. She would like to turn these wonderful humans against my husband and I, if possible....which it is not possible.
The child she kept, is an addict, mentally ill and is a non functioning person. My full birth brother is a sad person. But he is also a dangerous person at the same time from what we have experienced. Our grown kids do not trust him. Another BAM, in my face moment. I do not want him in my life either, and my family does not want him in their lives . And guess what Cathy, you can say "NO." I have said NO!
I was knee deep in making a family tree on Ancestry. I drove down and borrowed my birth moms family pictures to scan them. I did a lot of work, put them all in new scrap books, organized everything. I have found all the missing families in Lebanon, not an easy task.
Then the reality of it all sunk in. Jealousy can be a dangerous emotion, dangerous and ugly and I believe this emotion is the catalyst for her behavior. I had actually spoke to my brother on private messenger for the first time in about 13 years. He asked about our grown kids, their jobs & lives. I told him they are all happy, successful and in jobs that support them and we couldn't be happier for them all. My birth mom stated she did not want to know what my brother and I talk about and not to even hint about our conversations. OK, no big deal. Next thing I know I am receiving a private message from her asking me not to tell my brother that our kids are successful and rich! Yes, I quote "Rich." Well, I have never stated anyone in my family are rich, its just not true! hahaha! She stated that by telling my brother that my kids have good jobs and are successful , will discourage him from seeking mental help! OMG! Seriously? He has been unstable and non functioning since his early 20's and he's now pushing 44 years old!
I guess that rule of not telling about my conversations with my brother only applies to me! He must have told her half truths about our conversation! Birth mom tells me that he feels bad that "The kids" are doing so well, he feels like a failure, etc. I reminded her that our kids are grown adults now, does my brother realize the oldest is 29 and should be in jobs to support themselves now! Hmmmm....well birth mom, your constant enabling of this grown man may be a big reason why he is almost 44 and still repeating the same mistakes and not seeking help and not able to take care of himself! She clearly does not see what she is doing, and it is NOT my place or job to make her see. Sad, but true, I just cant exert another ounce of energy on these two. They are not my problem!
Seriously, who does she think she is? She then has the nerve to elude to the fact that my brother has never done anything to our kids over the past 20 years. And has no idea why they have no interest in having a relationship with him! WOW! One can only guess that she has conveniently stuffed all the craziness that me, my husband and three grown adult children have experienced with my brother over the past 20 plus years. Like its all erased, never existed and we are made out to be the liars, the mentally ill ones. She has done this before, given me my brothers life and my life to my brother. What is even more frightening, she is believable, and she is convincing, and charming and I feel she is also a person one cannot trust. I finally had a voice and spoke up and said, OK birth mom, what do you think would happen if my grown kids saw him now? Do you think he is fit and mentally OK to see them? She answered NO! I said you are correct, if they saw him now, they'd never give him another chance! My brother has sent me the most bizarre and crazy messages, my oldest son has said that he is "Tweaking" on drugs or is in some sort of psychosis. Either could be true, he's done hard core drugs over the years, and I truly believe he is still doing them now. He was recently in jail I heard, and from what I understand was detoxing while in jail. Yeah, I know, I made this up too, its all a lie, he really was not in jail, and if you spoke to birth mom, she'd convince you I made it all up and I was the one in jail! HAHAHAHA!
She has absolutely nothing to offer me. No love, loyalty, time, kindness, truth, stability, absolutely nothing. Her morals, ideals, way of living and even her mother skills are completely and utterly opposite than mine. If she had not given birth to me, I would never even consider her as a friend. Her title is no longer important to me, and truthfully she is nothing more than an egg donor.
I had a revelation that I wish I had never met her, just found out the ancestry information I dearly wanted. Looking back I realize it was a mistake to waste so much time and energy on a woman who clearly has no plans on loving me, adoring me and my kids, and a person who without batting an eyelash, is capable of betraying me!
Showing posts with label birth mom betrayal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label birth mom betrayal. Show all posts
Saturday, October 13, 2018
Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Grown babies are not the same...
My birth mom had been texting me, nothing really earth shattering, just common things like she's working a lot, its hot outside, can't wait for the weather to change. I was telling about my dad dying. We were not talking about my (brother) but she did bring him up a bit, and the way she talked about him you'd think he was fine. In the past she spoke about my (brothers) girlfriend, as though the situation was, in my mind, normal.
Being the searcher that I am, and the information at everyone's fingertips via internet, I looked for myself. If people do not make their social media "Private" it is open for the world to see. What I saw of my (brother) I did not like, I don't think I am being cruel, just brutally honest. I have to be honest, with myself about "What Is." I went my entire life before getting married in fantasy land, even years after getting married. Pretending that what was happening was not happening. It still goes on to a point now, within my family. But I cannot pretend that a person is wonderful when in reality they are not. I searched and found that my (brothers) girlfriend is my youngest sons age.
Anyhow, back on topic. My birth mom and I do not agree. She feels other men are pigs for dating super young women. However she feels her son dating inappropriately young women is perfectly fine. We will never agree.
I started blogging years ago after dealing with my birth moms betrayal and years of her ignoring me, and a lot of wounds dealing with adoption and just life. I really thought she'd want to know me, get another chance with me by being part of my children's lives, but in reality that was not the case. She searched for me, paid someone to find me, and once she did, it was like she disappeared so to speak. I have to be honest and say she did change, the woman I met in 1984 is not the woman in year 2015. I really don't know her, she changed back around 1993, a lot of years lost. I'd like things to be different, but they can't be changed, and unfortunately, she has no intention on changing. She has chosen my (brother) and has decided to dig her heels in the sand and ignore me, my family, my children and I am guessing my own grandchildren when the time comes.
So this accident, of texting another woman named (Cathy) with a "k" was when I realized this recent texting was just so she had something to gossip about. Anything and everything I had to say she was turning around like a teenager and gossiping about it. When I texted her back and told her that I realized she accidentally texted me, her response was ridiculous, and its embarrasing reading her text. She told her best friend (Kathy) that I had told her about my dad dying, and that I had some nerve telling her this when I have a blog about "Her." Her text messages got ridiculous, after realizing she had made a mistake and whoops, texted me! Here's our dialogue:
ME: I'm guessing that was for the other "Cathy"
HER: What? Don't know...I got phone back now, Linda was using it. She's in fight with her mom, she's controlling her life, $$ etc...They fight like cats & dogs...guess its the heat?
HER: I'm getting on freeway, can't wait to get home sweating like a pig!
ME:: I do have a blog-its not about you, its about me and my experience & life. If everyone was honest and faced what has been done and what has happened, there wouldn't be a big surprise I write this blog. Its what has saved me dealing with everything.
ME: You and I have had a strained relationship and you know why. I am not the bad guy in all this, not one person is to blame.
ME: I was around when your mom died and after - it shouldn't be so hard listening to my experience now - Im guessing you talk to non related people about life.
ME: I do too - I also question why we are talking - its unfortunate that (my brothers) life has changed ours because I have not had a firm solid relationship with anyone - I understand how you feel for me is different. Its expected. But I also remember the old you - how you used to be, even the old (brother) which always gives me hope that maybe it can be fixed, be how it used to be.
ME: IF that is wrong, I am wrong.
ME: I don't want anything from you but probably what Ive always wanted which never happened, without going into a long explanation. You know. The things you never got from YOUR mom.
ME: Im a double loser, I've lost out on 2 moms, that is my cross to carry
ME: And no I don't really have strong ties to anyone except Steve, and our 3 kids and my sister. I have accepted that. I am loyal to my parents and sister-no they are not perfect, nobody is, but I have more history with them growing up than I do you and (brother)
ME:: I would have liked it to be different - but its not and probably cannot be. I'd love to have you come rushing to me with open arms, saying you were wrong and that you love me. Yep that is what Id like, not very realistic but that is the truth
ME: The anger over time is disappointment and realization I will never have a mom. That is why I blog. Its about me. not you per-se - just as I am not that baby you lost . I am not mad, just greatly disappointed. I had a lot of dreams and hope.
ME: Anyhow you don't have to keep talking to me, I get it.
HER: I don't have a problem with you voicing your opinions, feelings & thoughts. Your entitled. Its really hot today & Im working so I can't really say much right now. My client yesterday was having similar issues with her mom & daughter. They all write about their feelings, thats how this was brought up. Its more common than u think. will TTYL
Anyhow, the weather seemed to be more important than anything. Forget about how I feel. We had a little conversation, and we discussed her brother that went missing in action, so I accidentally found pics of her other brother and their son who is now in college. She had not seen pics of him in probably 14 years, so I texted her pics of him now. She never did respond again, the last text was August 29, 2015.
So the bottom line is, I endured one death after another. Her dads death, then her moms death, then her brothers death, birth dads mom. I went to all of their funerals. Not a single one had a picture of me in the pictures that were posted at the funeral, just my brother! My uncle was homeless and living in a shelter, a prior heroine addict when he died. I bought the food for the funeral, which is not the important thing, but the fact that I was involved was the important fact.
Now she is bitching that I have told her about the misery surrounding my dad dying, and she has the audacity to mimic me, yet talk nice to me in text? Seriously? Her mom had said to me when alive, in a nasty voice and with a bitter look on her face, that "She did not owe me nothin" - this somehow escaped from her mouth, although it shouldn't have! This was when I stopped to say hello to her on my way home from somewhere, before she died. I never asked anyone in my birth family for money, for material items....just love and attention. I sat with my birth mom after her mom had died, in the hospital, for probably 8 hours. It was not fun, they had to leave the ventilator in her mouth, so it was a very heartbreaking experience for me, and I had never seen someone die before.
I wish I could understand where she is coming from. I have made it very clear how I feel. My brother is bipolar, has permanent brain damage from drug use, has severe OCD, panic disorder, and lives his life on the edge and is an addict. He dates a girl old enough to be his daughter, who incidentally looks like a pole dancer, and has naked pics of herself on the internet for the world to see. I am dreadfully embarrassed to admit this man is related to me. As my oldest son has said, my (brother) is a pervert, none of my kids can believe he dates little girls, I'm included in this! My birth mom does not even know my kids, I don't think she even knows me. She has lied about me, written letter to a (now x friend ) of mine, words she wrote I don't know that I can ever undo. She has never apologized, said she is sorry, that she is wrong, and probably worse of all she has never said I love you, that I can recall.
I feel I deserve more than this, and I am lovable, and I am trustworthy. Having said this, I cannot change her and my (brothers) life choices, and again, this is even a good example of how the "Adoptee" looks like the crazy one. In their little cuckoo circle and altered reality they live in, I am painted as the crazy daughter who lies, that tells stories, and I would bet my own life that this woman I call my birth mom has lied to her friend "Kathy" about what has happened, and anyone and everyone who will listen to her. I can guarantee I am painted as the crazy daughter, as she wrote my X Friend, made me appear to be the mentally ill person and gave my (brother) my life. He is the one that is supposedly living a normal life, with a wife and kids!!!!! Hahahaha! Even though he's never been married and has no children.
THIS IS HOW ADOPTION HAS ROYALLY MESSED WITH MY LIFE. Non-adoptee's don't deal with this sort of thing, and probably the most shocking thing is SHE KEPT him and not me, and even after all these years, even after I have honestly lived a very genuinely good life, she paints me as the CRAZY GIRL! The dirty, disheveled, tossed away girl, left on the side of the road, or in the shopping cart, that nobody wanted.
There it is, another angle of adoption that not everyone out there understands. No resolution.
Being the searcher that I am, and the information at everyone's fingertips via internet, I looked for myself. If people do not make their social media "Private" it is open for the world to see. What I saw of my (brother) I did not like, I don't think I am being cruel, just brutally honest. I have to be honest, with myself about "What Is." I went my entire life before getting married in fantasy land, even years after getting married. Pretending that what was happening was not happening. It still goes on to a point now, within my family. But I cannot pretend that a person is wonderful when in reality they are not. I searched and found that my (brothers) girlfriend is my youngest sons age.
Anyhow, back on topic. My birth mom and I do not agree. She feels other men are pigs for dating super young women. However she feels her son dating inappropriately young women is perfectly fine. We will never agree.
I started blogging years ago after dealing with my birth moms betrayal and years of her ignoring me, and a lot of wounds dealing with adoption and just life. I really thought she'd want to know me, get another chance with me by being part of my children's lives, but in reality that was not the case. She searched for me, paid someone to find me, and once she did, it was like she disappeared so to speak. I have to be honest and say she did change, the woman I met in 1984 is not the woman in year 2015. I really don't know her, she changed back around 1993, a lot of years lost. I'd like things to be different, but they can't be changed, and unfortunately, she has no intention on changing. She has chosen my (brother) and has decided to dig her heels in the sand and ignore me, my family, my children and I am guessing my own grandchildren when the time comes.
So this accident, of texting another woman named (Cathy) with a "k" was when I realized this recent texting was just so she had something to gossip about. Anything and everything I had to say she was turning around like a teenager and gossiping about it. When I texted her back and told her that I realized she accidentally texted me, her response was ridiculous, and its embarrasing reading her text. She told her best friend (Kathy) that I had told her about my dad dying, and that I had some nerve telling her this when I have a blog about "Her." Her text messages got ridiculous, after realizing she had made a mistake and whoops, texted me! Here's our dialogue:
ME: I'm guessing that was for the other "Cathy"
HER: What? Don't know...I got phone back now, Linda was using it. She's in fight with her mom, she's controlling her life, $$ etc...They fight like cats & dogs...guess its the heat?
HER: I'm getting on freeway, can't wait to get home sweating like a pig!
ME:: I do have a blog-its not about you, its about me and my experience & life. If everyone was honest and faced what has been done and what has happened, there wouldn't be a big surprise I write this blog. Its what has saved me dealing with everything.
ME: You and I have had a strained relationship and you know why. I am not the bad guy in all this, not one person is to blame.
ME: I was around when your mom died and after - it shouldn't be so hard listening to my experience now - Im guessing you talk to non related people about life.
ME: I do too - I also question why we are talking - its unfortunate that (my brothers) life has changed ours because I have not had a firm solid relationship with anyone - I understand how you feel for me is different. Its expected. But I also remember the old you - how you used to be, even the old (brother) which always gives me hope that maybe it can be fixed, be how it used to be.
ME: IF that is wrong, I am wrong.
ME: I don't want anything from you but probably what Ive always wanted which never happened, without going into a long explanation. You know. The things you never got from YOUR mom.
ME: Im a double loser, I've lost out on 2 moms, that is my cross to carry
ME: And no I don't really have strong ties to anyone except Steve, and our 3 kids and my sister. I have accepted that. I am loyal to my parents and sister-no they are not perfect, nobody is, but I have more history with them growing up than I do you and (brother)
ME:: I would have liked it to be different - but its not and probably cannot be. I'd love to have you come rushing to me with open arms, saying you were wrong and that you love me. Yep that is what Id like, not very realistic but that is the truth
ME: The anger over time is disappointment and realization I will never have a mom. That is why I blog. Its about me. not you per-se - just as I am not that baby you lost . I am not mad, just greatly disappointed. I had a lot of dreams and hope.
ME: Anyhow you don't have to keep talking to me, I get it.
HER: I don't have a problem with you voicing your opinions, feelings & thoughts. Your entitled. Its really hot today & Im working so I can't really say much right now. My client yesterday was having similar issues with her mom & daughter. They all write about their feelings, thats how this was brought up. Its more common than u think. will TTYL
Anyhow, the weather seemed to be more important than anything. Forget about how I feel. We had a little conversation, and we discussed her brother that went missing in action, so I accidentally found pics of her other brother and their son who is now in college. She had not seen pics of him in probably 14 years, so I texted her pics of him now. She never did respond again, the last text was August 29, 2015.
So the bottom line is, I endured one death after another. Her dads death, then her moms death, then her brothers death, birth dads mom. I went to all of their funerals. Not a single one had a picture of me in the pictures that were posted at the funeral, just my brother! My uncle was homeless and living in a shelter, a prior heroine addict when he died. I bought the food for the funeral, which is not the important thing, but the fact that I was involved was the important fact.
Now she is bitching that I have told her about the misery surrounding my dad dying, and she has the audacity to mimic me, yet talk nice to me in text? Seriously? Her mom had said to me when alive, in a nasty voice and with a bitter look on her face, that "She did not owe me nothin" - this somehow escaped from her mouth, although it shouldn't have! This was when I stopped to say hello to her on my way home from somewhere, before she died. I never asked anyone in my birth family for money, for material items....just love and attention. I sat with my birth mom after her mom had died, in the hospital, for probably 8 hours. It was not fun, they had to leave the ventilator in her mouth, so it was a very heartbreaking experience for me, and I had never seen someone die before.
I wish I could understand where she is coming from. I have made it very clear how I feel. My brother is bipolar, has permanent brain damage from drug use, has severe OCD, panic disorder, and lives his life on the edge and is an addict. He dates a girl old enough to be his daughter, who incidentally looks like a pole dancer, and has naked pics of herself on the internet for the world to see. I am dreadfully embarrassed to admit this man is related to me. As my oldest son has said, my (brother) is a pervert, none of my kids can believe he dates little girls, I'm included in this! My birth mom does not even know my kids, I don't think she even knows me. She has lied about me, written letter to a (now x friend ) of mine, words she wrote I don't know that I can ever undo. She has never apologized, said she is sorry, that she is wrong, and probably worse of all she has never said I love you, that I can recall.
I feel I deserve more than this, and I am lovable, and I am trustworthy. Having said this, I cannot change her and my (brothers) life choices, and again, this is even a good example of how the "Adoptee" looks like the crazy one. In their little cuckoo circle and altered reality they live in, I am painted as the crazy daughter who lies, that tells stories, and I would bet my own life that this woman I call my birth mom has lied to her friend "Kathy" about what has happened, and anyone and everyone who will listen to her. I can guarantee I am painted as the crazy daughter, as she wrote my X Friend, made me appear to be the mentally ill person and gave my (brother) my life. He is the one that is supposedly living a normal life, with a wife and kids!!!!! Hahahaha! Even though he's never been married and has no children.
THIS IS HOW ADOPTION HAS ROYALLY MESSED WITH MY LIFE. Non-adoptee's don't deal with this sort of thing, and probably the most shocking thing is SHE KEPT him and not me, and even after all these years, even after I have honestly lived a very genuinely good life, she paints me as the CRAZY GIRL! The dirty, disheveled, tossed away girl, left on the side of the road, or in the shopping cart, that nobody wanted.
There it is, another angle of adoption that not everyone out there understands. No resolution.
Monday, June 22, 2015
Adoption continues to take
I hope by blogging I can explain what I'm feeling. I am not even sure how to get these thoughts on paper or what words I will use to communicate my feelings.
Why is it that as an adoptee so many in the triad feel they can take things from me, or try to take from me, crack stupid jokes about adoption, and always belittle how I feel. But there is this specific dynamic within birth families that still remains a mystery to me. I don't know where it comes from, but it does exist. To date, my birth mom has deceived me, betrayed me, lied to me countless times, has chosen to have no relationship with my children, the list goes on, and NOT ONCE has she ever apologized, said she is sorry, or wrong.
My birth mom has always kept me at a distance. I'm usually the one to track her down, for the most part.
Why does she continue to act like she can say and do whatever she wants without any consequences to how I feel? Apparently she feels there are no boundaries for her. Same goes for my brother, her son. He has always felt that he has the right to try and convince my children that my husband and I are bad parents, they have both talked bad about us. They both paint this picture to the rest of the world, they are the best people, the best grandma and uncle to my children, and WE are the problem. The frightening part is that she and my birth brother are believable, charming, convincing AND they believe their lies! I have not trusted either of them for many years.
My brother over the years has continued to bully me, my kids and my husband. Yet now, today, he claims my husbands brother as HIS family. This is why I get upset when I see this is going on. I am so sick of them bullying me, and the fact they feel they have the right to take anything they want from me, even things that are clearly not theirs. My brother states on the internet to the old time skaters and surfers that knew my brother in law, that he was his uncle. I blogged about this the other day. How is it that you cannot stand ME, can't even talk to me, and have threatened to kill my entire family (which you later lied about doing & called my children liars) YET you are now, claiming MY HUSBANDS family as your own? Pretending to be the nephew of my husbands brother? You hate me, yet you manipulate my kids over the years, almost like a pedophile, luring children into their house. My brother has always liked young girls, when my daughter was in middle school he started talking to girls on line, that were in her 7th grade class. At the time he was about 28 years old, pretending to be MY KIDS COUSIN. Sound familiar? He had been talking to this little girl who ended up committing suicide. He knew about it before it hit the newspaper, before we even knew about it. HERES THE SICK PART...my birth mom and brother both lie about it now, make it seem like I have made this up, and I am the crazy one. I have nothing better to do but sit around and make up stuff! It did happen, my adult kids can attest to this. My oldest has received several threats from my brother left on his cell phone, death threats. According to my birth mom & brother, we are all the crazy ones, living lies, and none of this ever happened!
Its hard to explain in words, I don't even know why this has happened over the years. The lies, the manipulation, the deceit. WHY? What do they want? Sometimes it feels like they want to annihilate me, step in and take over my life. Everything they have done, and trust me its not been a cake walk, they have lied about, stated that "Cathy is mentally ill" -- I guess all 5 of us are crazy! My daughter and youngest son will never even acknowledge them. My oldest son has more memories of them, but he was really little and his judgment is not that great. Now, he has realized that maybe Kelly my brother is not the greatest guy that walked earth. Honestly, Kelly my brother is not a person you can even have small talk with, he's dangerous, cruel, manipulating, mentally ill, has brain damage from drugs, and hates all of us. Not a good combination, its somewhat lethal.
So you ask, why would I talk to these people? I always have hope, hope that they will change, make different life choices. Well, I have not talked to my brother in many years. I've had nothing to do with him. I recently spoke via text with my birth mom, and of course she continues to lie about my brother. She always paints a picture of this man (age 40 now) who is living this sedentary, normal life. So I see all of his Instagram pictures, which just about made me sick. I see his girlfriends pages and her pictures, which made me even more sick inside. My birth mom slips and says the girlfriend is mentally ill as well. Gee, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out WHY a girl age 21 would be dating a man older than her parents. My brother lives a wild and crazy life. He's drinking, acting and dressing like he's a young kid, and I am sure this is taking its toll on him. He looks awful, and these pictures prove that my birth mom is living in la-la land, lying to me about what he's doing and how he is doing. If his Type 1 diabetes is out of control, its his choices that are making that happen. This young girl that looks like a hooker/stripper, and their vulgar pictures and talk would make anyone feel sick. I am ashamed to even admit this man is my brother, and why I have decided that I can no longer call him that. This same behavior has been going on since he was much younger and to be honest, I'm exhausted. I don't deserve this, and I have chosen not to be part of their lives and I supposed I have to give up hope they will ever get it together and live somewhat decent lives.
I realize my birth mom has betrayed me in the past, and it seems she is not capable of being truthful. Which brings me full circle. I feel she is always manipulating me, and lying and there is no logical reason why? What does she want from me? Why does she contact me when I really do believe she does not like me?
Adoptee's are the pit everyone dumps into. Adoptee's micromanage the families, taking abuse at times, forget an apology, or any sort of feelings that would show they have remorse. Its because we don't have the spot in any family, really. We were taken from our birth family, never to really connect and bond with any of them, and the adoptive family we were stuck in are not always a match, loss of fertility issues, a father not wanting a child that is not his blood. We have to make our own family, however we choose to do this.
When someone comes into my family, like my brother and tries to take what I have made, for myself, and have worked so hard to attain, I pretty much go into battle mode. Who does he think he is? How and why does he feel he has the right to pretend to be my husbands nephew? Pretend to be the cousin of MY children. How does he have the gumption to say he is anything to me except being born of the same two people? He has not done any work to say he is my chidrens uncle, he does not even deserve the label of acquaintance. To me he is dirt, he has no class, he is a scum sucking bottom dweller. And my birth mom is similar, lying for him, even though he is age 40, pretending he is the better child of the two, when in reality she is probably thinking wow, I gave away the better of the two children I had!
I am so angry they both still feel they have "Rights" to me and my family. I cannot stand the fact that my brother has posted pictures of MY family on line, all over the place, claiming to be MY husbands brother, who passed away years ago. Preying upon people, lying, manipulating. Its like he still THINKS he has the right to dump on me!
Why is it that as an adoptee so many in the triad feel they can take things from me, or try to take from me, crack stupid jokes about adoption, and always belittle how I feel. But there is this specific dynamic within birth families that still remains a mystery to me. I don't know where it comes from, but it does exist. To date, my birth mom has deceived me, betrayed me, lied to me countless times, has chosen to have no relationship with my children, the list goes on, and NOT ONCE has she ever apologized, said she is sorry, or wrong.
My birth mom has always kept me at a distance. I'm usually the one to track her down, for the most part.
Why does she continue to act like she can say and do whatever she wants without any consequences to how I feel? Apparently she feels there are no boundaries for her. Same goes for my brother, her son. He has always felt that he has the right to try and convince my children that my husband and I are bad parents, they have both talked bad about us. They both paint this picture to the rest of the world, they are the best people, the best grandma and uncle to my children, and WE are the problem. The frightening part is that she and my birth brother are believable, charming, convincing AND they believe their lies! I have not trusted either of them for many years.
My brother over the years has continued to bully me, my kids and my husband. Yet now, today, he claims my husbands brother as HIS family. This is why I get upset when I see this is going on. I am so sick of them bullying me, and the fact they feel they have the right to take anything they want from me, even things that are clearly not theirs. My brother states on the internet to the old time skaters and surfers that knew my brother in law, that he was his uncle. I blogged about this the other day. How is it that you cannot stand ME, can't even talk to me, and have threatened to kill my entire family (which you later lied about doing & called my children liars) YET you are now, claiming MY HUSBANDS family as your own? Pretending to be the nephew of my husbands brother? You hate me, yet you manipulate my kids over the years, almost like a pedophile, luring children into their house. My brother has always liked young girls, when my daughter was in middle school he started talking to girls on line, that were in her 7th grade class. At the time he was about 28 years old, pretending to be MY KIDS COUSIN. Sound familiar? He had been talking to this little girl who ended up committing suicide. He knew about it before it hit the newspaper, before we even knew about it. HERES THE SICK PART...my birth mom and brother both lie about it now, make it seem like I have made this up, and I am the crazy one. I have nothing better to do but sit around and make up stuff! It did happen, my adult kids can attest to this. My oldest has received several threats from my brother left on his cell phone, death threats. According to my birth mom & brother, we are all the crazy ones, living lies, and none of this ever happened!
Its hard to explain in words, I don't even know why this has happened over the years. The lies, the manipulation, the deceit. WHY? What do they want? Sometimes it feels like they want to annihilate me, step in and take over my life. Everything they have done, and trust me its not been a cake walk, they have lied about, stated that "Cathy is mentally ill" -- I guess all 5 of us are crazy! My daughter and youngest son will never even acknowledge them. My oldest son has more memories of them, but he was really little and his judgment is not that great. Now, he has realized that maybe Kelly my brother is not the greatest guy that walked earth. Honestly, Kelly my brother is not a person you can even have small talk with, he's dangerous, cruel, manipulating, mentally ill, has brain damage from drugs, and hates all of us. Not a good combination, its somewhat lethal.
So you ask, why would I talk to these people? I always have hope, hope that they will change, make different life choices. Well, I have not talked to my brother in many years. I've had nothing to do with him. I recently spoke via text with my birth mom, and of course she continues to lie about my brother. She always paints a picture of this man (age 40 now) who is living this sedentary, normal life. So I see all of his Instagram pictures, which just about made me sick. I see his girlfriends pages and her pictures, which made me even more sick inside. My birth mom slips and says the girlfriend is mentally ill as well. Gee, doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure out WHY a girl age 21 would be dating a man older than her parents. My brother lives a wild and crazy life. He's drinking, acting and dressing like he's a young kid, and I am sure this is taking its toll on him. He looks awful, and these pictures prove that my birth mom is living in la-la land, lying to me about what he's doing and how he is doing. If his Type 1 diabetes is out of control, its his choices that are making that happen. This young girl that looks like a hooker/stripper, and their vulgar pictures and talk would make anyone feel sick. I am ashamed to even admit this man is my brother, and why I have decided that I can no longer call him that. This same behavior has been going on since he was much younger and to be honest, I'm exhausted. I don't deserve this, and I have chosen not to be part of their lives and I supposed I have to give up hope they will ever get it together and live somewhat decent lives.
I realize my birth mom has betrayed me in the past, and it seems she is not capable of being truthful. Which brings me full circle. I feel she is always manipulating me, and lying and there is no logical reason why? What does she want from me? Why does she contact me when I really do believe she does not like me?
Adoptee's are the pit everyone dumps into. Adoptee's micromanage the families, taking abuse at times, forget an apology, or any sort of feelings that would show they have remorse. Its because we don't have the spot in any family, really. We were taken from our birth family, never to really connect and bond with any of them, and the adoptive family we were stuck in are not always a match, loss of fertility issues, a father not wanting a child that is not his blood. We have to make our own family, however we choose to do this.
When someone comes into my family, like my brother and tries to take what I have made, for myself, and have worked so hard to attain, I pretty much go into battle mode. Who does he think he is? How and why does he feel he has the right to pretend to be my husbands nephew? Pretend to be the cousin of MY children. How does he have the gumption to say he is anything to me except being born of the same two people? He has not done any work to say he is my chidrens uncle, he does not even deserve the label of acquaintance. To me he is dirt, he has no class, he is a scum sucking bottom dweller. And my birth mom is similar, lying for him, even though he is age 40, pretending he is the better child of the two, when in reality she is probably thinking wow, I gave away the better of the two children I had!
I am so angry they both still feel they have "Rights" to me and my family. I cannot stand the fact that my brother has posted pictures of MY family on line, all over the place, claiming to be MY husbands brother, who passed away years ago. Preying upon people, lying, manipulating. Its like he still THINKS he has the right to dump on me!
Sunday, May 25, 2014
Re-negotiating process?
Over the past couple of weeks I have found myself trying to re-negotiate my belonging in any way to my birth mom.
I took the one pic I have of her in my home, down.
I look in the mirror at myself, and look at my eyes. I don't want my eyes to look like hers. I try to imagine they look like someone else's.
I look at my skin, and I know I got my skin type from her. Even my hair, the way it falls, makes me want to re-negotiate.
I wanted so much to know the feeling of looking like someone, and now, at this stage of reunion, if thats what you want to call it, I dont care who I look like.
I never thought this would be a part of this process...to de-fantasize my life. I try to push the thoughts of any resemblance I have of her, out of my mind, I try not to think that any part of me is like her. I see a picture of myself and I shudder at the thought that I appear to be like her.
Have I ever said or done something remotely similar to something she has said or done? I have been re-thinking everything. Do I behave like her? I dont think so, I answer myself. I have been on a mission to try and listen better to others, and to be a better person in general. I think this woman is the reason why I feel so motivated to do this.
Such a strange feeling today inside of me. What is this whole mess we call adoption, how does an adoptee fit into any of this mess? Why does it matter where I got these darn toes, or ears? Does anyone else really care where they came from? Are adoptee's the only one that care about finding out what bits and pieces we got from relatives? Does anyone in the birth families really think about this stuff, or is this the wonderfully divine present left for the adoptee to sort out....alone?
Seriously, I have been on this journey alone, with the exception of my husband who's been a champ. But my mom has never really cared about who I look like, I don't think my sister has really given it much thought. I know my birth mom was curious enough to clear her name, by finding me.
So today, I am finally realizing and feeling the reality that I would like to re-negotiate the entire deal. I don't want to be the adopted girl. I don't want to look, act or be like her...ever! I just want to be like everyone else. I don't want to analyze every step of my life, wondering if I am in any way, shape or form, like her. At this point I don't even want to admit she is my birth mom, and I do think I have the right to make this choice.
I took the one pic I have of her in my home, down.
I look in the mirror at myself, and look at my eyes. I don't want my eyes to look like hers. I try to imagine they look like someone else's.
I look at my skin, and I know I got my skin type from her. Even my hair, the way it falls, makes me want to re-negotiate.
I wanted so much to know the feeling of looking like someone, and now, at this stage of reunion, if thats what you want to call it, I dont care who I look like.
I never thought this would be a part of this process...to de-fantasize my life. I try to push the thoughts of any resemblance I have of her, out of my mind, I try not to think that any part of me is like her. I see a picture of myself and I shudder at the thought that I appear to be like her.
Have I ever said or done something remotely similar to something she has said or done? I have been re-thinking everything. Do I behave like her? I dont think so, I answer myself. I have been on a mission to try and listen better to others, and to be a better person in general. I think this woman is the reason why I feel so motivated to do this.
Such a strange feeling today inside of me. What is this whole mess we call adoption, how does an adoptee fit into any of this mess? Why does it matter where I got these darn toes, or ears? Does anyone else really care where they came from? Are adoptee's the only one that care about finding out what bits and pieces we got from relatives? Does anyone in the birth families really think about this stuff, or is this the wonderfully divine present left for the adoptee to sort out....alone?
Seriously, I have been on this journey alone, with the exception of my husband who's been a champ. But my mom has never really cared about who I look like, I don't think my sister has really given it much thought. I know my birth mom was curious enough to clear her name, by finding me.
So today, I am finally realizing and feeling the reality that I would like to re-negotiate the entire deal. I don't want to be the adopted girl. I don't want to look, act or be like her...ever! I just want to be like everyone else. I don't want to analyze every step of my life, wondering if I am in any way, shape or form, like her. At this point I don't even want to admit she is my birth mom, and I do think I have the right to make this choice.
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