HOW DID I KNOW at age 5?

Looking back, I wonder how I knew at such a young age?   I never spoke of it, it was never discussed.  How did I know, it was February 1972.  I was 5 years old.  It was 6:00am.   I should have been confused being jolted out of sleep from a 6.6 earthquake.  But I wasnt.   I remember the sounds the earthquake made, that scared me more than the shaking.   My parents came into our room, my sister and I slept in twin beds in the same room.  They both went to my sister.  At that moment, while the earth was shaking, and making noise that sounded like a train was going to come ripping through my bedroom, time stood still.  I knew at age 6, during an earthquake that my parents were fighting about which one of them would come and comfort me.  I couldnt believe they were struggling, I was supposed to be their baby, and I thought it did not make a difference  they had my sister, and I was adopted.  At age 6, I knew what they were thinking, and why they did not want to come and comfort me during a 6.6 earthquake.  I wanted mom, but got dad, but the earthquake was over.   My mom did not come to me, I saw the look in both of their eyes, the look on their faces.  That was a defining moment for me, it was then I knew there was a difference, and that I was not loved the same way as my sister.

How did I know at age 5?  I may have known before that, but at this age I could reason a lot better, and make sense of things.  I knew that I wanted someone to come running to me during the earthquake.  I knew my parents didnt want to come and comfort and rescue me, and I knew what that meant after being told at age 2 that I was adopted.  Age 2 I knew I was different.... I was told I was special.  That my birth parents loved me so much, they gave me away.  That could be why I always hid under furniture, always feeling like I was waiting to be picked up?  Maybe I thought they were coming back for me, if they loved me so much.  The sadness I felt at age 2, is real, even if I did not understand why myself.  I didnt understand the concept of adoption at age 2, but at age 5, I knew perfectly well how I felt, and the consequences of adoption for me.

AVOIDING THINGS....

I go back and forth when it comes to dealing with my adoption issues.  I know, I'm 46 years old and why dont I just get over it and move on.  Easier said than done.  If all was well, my birth mom, birth dad, mom, dad and sister were all in sync, then maybe, just maybe I would be able to move on.

This is a big cross to bear, managing all these people.  Im really OK, on a whole.  But when you get down to the nitty gritty, there are small issues, festering inside of me.  I realize they are there at times, when family members act stupid, or something is said about this or that.  Usually something un-kind or hurtful about our family, excluding me from the mix, you know what I mean, I've blogged about it before.

What to do with all these thoughts and feelings.  I dont like adoption.  I feel very passionate about keeping your child.  At the same time I know it happens, and I know its needed.  That does not mean I have to like it.  I've been to open adoption meetings in the past, where there was a young girl with her mom & boyfriend, planning on giving away her baby.  The mother said some very ignorant things in my opinion.  I mean, it would be a cold day in hell when I told my daughter that I did not want my grandchild, regardless of the situation.  People, it would never happen, ever.  I would take care of the baby, my husband would too.  This goes for my sons as well, I would help their girlfriends as well.

Would my opinion be different if my adoption situation was different?  NO.  Not when it comes to MY grand babies.  What in the heck is wrong with people?  Encouraging your child to GIVE AWAY YOUR GRAND CHILD?   Other peoples situations upset me too, I may have more understanding if the mother was old enough to make her own decision.   I doubt it.  But, if I did have a wonderful adoption experience, maybe I would be more tolerant?   You would think that because I have such rotten birth parents, I would be against keeping your child, right?  NO.   If I was kept, would I have made a difference in everyones lives?  YES.  My full brother would of had an older sister to help him, I was the wise child, I was born strong.   I dont mean I became strong, I was strong when I was born, at a young age.  I think I would have put everyone in their place, and things would have been different?  hard to know, but that is what I believe to be true.  I could be wrong people, I  admit that I could be totally wrong.

Was it my place to fix things?  who knows?  I hear about the oldest child in the family having their place,  etc.

Well, I really have a strong opinion about adoption.  It was my biggest fear when my son had a girlfriend in high school, that she would become pregnant, and give away my grandchild.  I know, ridiculous!  But I had a full nightmare one night about this.  This is what goes through the mind of an adult adoptee.  It had to be the worst nightmare and thoughts of my entire life, besides losing one of my children.  The thought that it was even possible freaked me out, put me in a total tail spin.

The worst part is, my family, my mom & sister, both felt that if this happened to one of my children, or if it happened to my sisters daughter, they would just give that baby away!  Another HUGE fight.  This made me almost literally sick to hear this come from my mother and my sister.  HOW COULD THEY SAY THIS?  After the hell I had been through?  How could they see it right to give away a grandchild?

I dont understand this people.  Giving away your grandchild.  Encouraging it.  Sure, that child may be placed in a great family.  But what if they are not?  Then what?  You have given your own grandchild away to someone that could possibly not love her, abuse her and mistreat.

OK, I've said enough.