Looking back, I wonder how I knew at such a young age? I never spoke of it, it was never discussed. How did I know, it was February 1972. I was 5 years old. It was 6:00am. I should have been confused being jolted out of sleep from a 6.6 earthquake. But I wasnt. I remember the sounds the earthquake made, that scared me more than the shaking. My parents came into our room, my sister and I slept in twin beds in the same room. They both went to my sister. At that moment, while the earth was shaking, and making noise that sounded like a train was going to come ripping through my bedroom, time stood still. I knew at age 6, during an earthquake that my parents were fighting about which one of them would come and comfort me. I couldnt believe they were struggling, I was supposed to be their baby, and I thought it did not make a difference they had my sister, and I was adopted. At age 6, I knew what they were thinking, and why they did not want to come and comfort me during a 6.6 earthquake. I wanted mom, but got dad, but the earthquake was over. My mom did not come to me, I saw the look in both of their eyes, the look on their faces. That was a defining moment for me, it was then I knew there was a difference, and that I was not loved the same way as my sister.
How did I know at age 5? I may have known before that, but at this age I could reason a lot better, and make sense of things. I knew that I wanted someone to come running to me during the earthquake. I knew my parents didnt want to come and comfort and rescue me, and I knew what that meant after being told at age 2 that I was adopted. Age 2 I knew I was different.... I was told I was special. That my birth parents loved me so much, they gave me away. That could be why I always hid under furniture, always feeling like I was waiting to be picked up? Maybe I thought they were coming back for me, if they loved me so much. The sadness I felt at age 2, is real, even if I did not understand why myself. I didnt understand the concept of adoption at age 2, but at age 5, I knew perfectly well how I felt, and the consequences of adoption for me.
How did I know at age 5? I may have known before that, but at this age I could reason a lot better, and make sense of things. I knew that I wanted someone to come running to me during the earthquake. I knew my parents didnt want to come and comfort and rescue me, and I knew what that meant after being told at age 2 that I was adopted. Age 2 I knew I was different.... I was told I was special. That my birth parents loved me so much, they gave me away. That could be why I always hid under furniture, always feeling like I was waiting to be picked up? Maybe I thought they were coming back for me, if they loved me so much. The sadness I felt at age 2, is real, even if I did not understand why myself. I didnt understand the concept of adoption at age 2, but at age 5, I knew perfectly well how I felt, and the consequences of adoption for me.
I feel your pain in your words.
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