Monday, October 12, 2015

Reluctant to speak

I've come to a point in my life where talking about how I feel and helping others understand what its like to be in my shoes, is not worth it.   I end up looking like the crazy woman, who obviously has a large chip on her shoulder.  I feel that talking about things and being up front about my own feelings is important and has been a vital part of my journey, but now that I have said what Ive said over the years, its not making a difference.

When I say these words, "Family Preservation" its like I have just said something very wrong, like threatening world peace, or insulting a religion.  People in general have this idea, that adoption automatically equals insane happiness,  and the adoptee should feel thankful, lucky and sometimes appreciative to even be alive.  

I wonder if our world will catch up ?  Will people ever understand what adoption means?  Will they admit and openly discuss the fact that adoptee's really do lose their ancestry with adoption.  Their constitutional right to their birth records, and in reality, they are expected to lose their rights to free speech.  IF we do speak, we look like the crazy ones, because the general public, it seems everywhere in this world is still back in 1950 somewhere, lost in space with the entire adoption reality.

So here I am, age 50, and I am still afraid, somewhat reluctant now that I'm a bit older, to even speak out loud to anyone about the reality of adoption, the good and the bad.  My adoption experience, even in a random conversation.  I stop, think very hard about what I am going to say, if it will spark controversy, or will offend someone.  We had gone into this store where they sell facial products, my sister allowed them to put the product on her face, I waited by the door talking to some of the kids working there.  The one guy said to me, you are sisters, you don't look anything alike, and jokingly said, maybe she's adopted.  I said, well no, I am adopted.  He thought I was joking, and I confirmed, that yes I am.  Mom was standing in the shade, it was a very hot day, and they realized that sister looks like mom,  and they started asking more questions.  I felt very uncomfortable talking about who I am, as though it was wrong to tell them my ethnicity.  I whispered to them quickly, not wanting to upset my mom, not that she would be mad, it just seems to come up when people we've met see my sister and I together.  Its obvious, especially when they see mom and dad.  Most of the nurses with hospice who come to help dad mention that I don't look like either parent.  Its not that its wrong, or that its bad, it just uncomfortable for others!  haha!

Until this world gets on track, and starts admitting that its got a BIG problem, there is no reason for me to continue to beat myself up, and end up looking like the disturbed woman, the adoptee that most people do not understand.