Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Seriously can't believe this!

My husband drove me to my parents house late tonight.  Since my accident a few weeks ago I'm still scared to drive the crazy freeway.

My mom is going in for an angiogram, she may need a stent or if that is not possible, open heart surgery.  She is not planning on that, so I don't know what is going to happen.

My sister cannot get here until tomorrow night, so I came early so she is not alone the day before the procedure.

My last visit was hell, no nice way to put it.  I stayed up 3 nights in a row to get the real picture of what is going on here when my sister and I are not around.  My sister doesn't spend the night,  she comes for a visit during the day.  Although she did spend the night for the first time in a long time, last week.

So we decide to go to bed , mom comes into the room and tells me she cleaned off the other bed, and not to sleep in the bed I always sleep in when I come here.  Mind you I'm here all the time, and I stay days at a time.  I'm at a loss for words.  She tells me no, that is my sisters bed, you sleep in this one.

Now this sounds trivial to a lot of people out there, Im sure!  So...I stay here days on end on a regular basis, my sister stays one time  and I don't get to sleep in the same bed I always sleep in?  And this is the bed with the mattress topper!

OK, whatever.  I text my husband, and tell him what mom said.  He always knows how to get me out of this funk.  He responds by saying, "Thats because your just a number."   I laughed to myself.  And responded to him, "Yep, your right."  His response sounds mean, but its not.  Its dreadfully true.  My adoption papers all state baby girl #, no name, and so that is our inside joke.  I am not a real daughter, just a number, a purchase of theirs.  Basically, I do not count.  That is how he jolts me out of this la-la land of wanting a good mom, and to not feel sad, etc.

So I sit here, on top of my bed at my parents house typing this blog.  In the dark, as I plan on sleeping on top of this bed, not to dirty my sisters sheets!  Wow, what a punch in the gut.  Who are they kidding, and how much can a person take.   I am very glad I brought 2 bottles of wine to soften the blows from mom this week, maybe I will sleep and not lay awake wondering why I'm here, away from my family, trying to help a woman that really doesn't care or think very highly of me or even want me here.

Adoption will never work for me.  And I know that I will have to make peace with this mess and somehow be a better person and not get all choked up  and feel like I've shrunk back to age 10!!!    I have to be the better person, take care of people that don't care for me.  Its tough, but has to be done, with character, and kindness.  Its a big test, and I have to pass this one.  Maybe that is why I have been put here, in this situation, with these people?

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