My husband drove me to my parents house late tonight. Since my accident a few weeks ago I'm still scared to drive the crazy freeway.
My mom is going in for an angiogram, she may need a stent or if that is not possible, open heart surgery. She is not planning on that, so I don't know what is going to happen.
My sister cannot get here until tomorrow night, so I came early so she is not alone the day before the procedure.
My last visit was hell, no nice way to put it. I stayed up 3 nights in a row to get the real picture of what is going on here when my sister and I are not around. My sister doesn't spend the night, she comes for a visit during the day. Although she did spend the night for the first time in a long time, last week.
So we decide to go to bed , mom comes into the room and tells me she cleaned off the other bed, and not to sleep in the bed I always sleep in when I come here. Mind you I'm here all the time, and I stay days at a time. I'm at a loss for words. She tells me no, that is my sisters bed, you sleep in this one.
Now this sounds trivial to a lot of people out there, Im sure! So...I stay here days on end on a regular basis, my sister stays one time and I don't get to sleep in the same bed I always sleep in? And this is the bed with the mattress topper!
OK, whatever. I text my husband, and tell him what mom said. He always knows how to get me out of this funk. He responds by saying, "Thats because your just a number." I laughed to myself. And responded to him, "Yep, your right." His response sounds mean, but its not. Its dreadfully true. My adoption papers all state baby girl #, no name, and so that is our inside joke. I am not a real daughter, just a number, a purchase of theirs. Basically, I do not count. That is how he jolts me out of this la-la land of wanting a good mom, and to not feel sad, etc.
So I sit here, on top of my bed at my parents house typing this blog. In the dark, as I plan on sleeping on top of this bed, not to dirty my sisters sheets! Wow, what a punch in the gut. Who are they kidding, and how much can a person take. I am very glad I brought 2 bottles of wine to soften the blows from mom this week, maybe I will sleep and not lay awake wondering why I'm here, away from my family, trying to help a woman that really doesn't care or think very highly of me or even want me here.
Adoption will never work for me. And I know that I will have to make peace with this mess and somehow be a better person and not get all choked up and feel like I've shrunk back to age 10!!! I have to be the better person, take care of people that don't care for me. Its tough, but has to be done, with character, and kindness. Its a big test, and I have to pass this one. Maybe that is why I have been put here, in this situation, with these people?