Wednesday, April 29, 2015

At some point I'll have to forget it

I think its coming, that place you get to when nothing matters any longer.   At some point you have to desensitize yourself from the entire situation, and look at things as though you are an outsider, looking in.  Just a friend from up the street.

Mom sat across the kitchen table from me last week, stating she doesn't know exactly what she did to me over the years and does not have an excuse for what she does remember.

For example:  When my oldest son was little, my parents watched him because he is an epileptic.    On his 2nd birthday my dad came up to me and told me that my sisters kids come first, and we'd have to find someone else to watch our son.   My sister had another baby and my mom was very involved with both of  her kids.  She was driving out to help my sister regularly, even though my sister was not working like my husband and I.  So one day we stopped taking our son to  my parents house, yet we never heard a word from mom.  She did not tell me she wanted to stop watching Austen, but my dad told me it was over and done with.  We never did hear a word from mom, ever.  One would think she'd pick up the phone and call me and ask, "Where is Austen" - something from mom.  Because she never called, or asked where he was and why we stopped bringing him, we were certain  she was part of this decision.

OK, so I asked mom last week, why she did this?  And explained that years of this type of behavior have contributed to how and why myself, my husband and children don't feel as warm and fuzzy about her and my dad as my sister and her kids feel!  My mom spent most of her time with my sister and her kids.  And it was so bad during the time my kids were in grammar school that one time I went to the grocery store in my town and there was my mom and dad getting out of the car with my sister and her family!  Mom lives quite a distance away!  My sister lived close to me.  I never heard a word from mom or dad, didn't even know they were in town.  They  came out to attend my nieces dance recital.  Wow, that left me feeling like I had been kicked in the stomach, there I went...falling down, down, down, spiraling out of contrl as I drove home trying to make sense of what just happened.  We were supposedly such a close family.  

My moms response to why she decided that my sisters kids come first was,  a blank stare.  No response.  She does not have a reason for why she has behaved this way for most of my life.  She can't explain why she went along with my dad, chose this man over me to the point of alienating me.   I explained to her because she chose him, and abandoned me for years, I have different feelings for her.   She did not have a response.  I asked her why she has done this to me for all of my life, she said "I don't know."

What do I do with this response?  She cannot explain why she has done this to me my entire life.  She states that she always loved me, and felt the same about me as she did my sister.  I actually told mom, "I want to believe you - but I don't."  How could she leave me and my son like that?  And 26 years later pretend it never happened?  My son with epilepsy is the 2nd born out of all the kids between my sister and I.  It wasn't until my sister had her 2nd child I was told that her kids come first.

There are so many unspoken, and unresolved issues between mom and I,  its probably reasonable to say they will never get resolved.  I told mom we could go to counseling, she did not respond.

Years ago we lost our lease because our landlord sold the town home we had planned on buying, we couldn't find a place to live, it was summer time and our oldest was in middle school, and the other kids were in grammar school.  The infamous summer when my own mom told me to go live in a homeless shelter with my kids, after asking if we could stay with her until finding another rental.  This was talked about last week too, mom denying she ever said that to me.  For the first time I called her out on this.  All 5 of us ended up staying in our motorhome at my brother in laws house in the middle of summer, the heat was triple digits.   It was hell, and our son was having seizures and crying all the time, none of us slept much that summer.  My mom had the nerve to drive out to my brother in laws house, look over our living situation and conditions, and never offered to let us stay with her even after that.  I asked her last week how she could do such a thing to me, and that I would NEVER do this to my child, regardless of their age.  My mom ladies and gentlemen, did not have an answer or reason.

Its almost like my mom has no credibility,  like she is literally checked out, and has been checked out of life since I can remember.    She has been brainwashed, is what I told her, by my dad.  A man she has not liked and  wanted to divorce since I was a kid.  She somewhat agreed, but cannot for the life of her change her life.  Her life is the same, nothing has changed, and sadly I think she will remain in this situation in this lifetime.  

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