Friday, April 15, 2011

Who am I anyhow?

Ask yourself this.  If you were an adopted daughter,  and you had met your birth family, what would you do with all of this newfound information?

I dont resemble my adoptive family, not exactly.  And they all say it does not matter.  But does it?  How would you feel if you knew your adoptive family was not genetically the same?

Would you feel as if this did not matter, even if you found out an overwhelming amount of genetic information that is hard for anyone to believe?

Would you be excited to show your adoptive family the pictures of this new found birth family?  Wouldnt you expect them to be just as excited.  After all, you did not choose this fate, you had no voice when you were born.  This extraordinary situation is just that.  Extra ordinary.  Yet the adoptive family seems to shy away, and sweep the issues under the carpet, almost pretending these "People" do not exist.

Isnt it funny, the entire reason these people exist is due to the fact that your adoptive parents "Chose" adoption.

I cant change who my birth parents are, my heritage.  How would you feel if you were asked to pretend they really dont matter, to just forget them?   We are who we are, arent we?   Just as my sister is a product of my adoptive parents, she is genetically matched, and her heritage is the same as theirs.  What if looking at family photos you could not say, "Wow, I look just like great grandma" or "Wow, my son looks just like uncle Jim"  --what then?  Would you feel comfortable keeping quiet, pretending that YOUR son and daughter DO NOT look just like YOUR genetic grandma from Lebanon?

So who am I anyhow?  Am I expected to pretend Im someone other than I am?  Genetically?  How would you feel if you were expected to feel as though you were hatched from an egg, dropped off by the stork?

Lets not compare those born to their birth mom & dad.  Try to figure out how you would really feel.  Honestly.


  1. The pain of having to remain silent is excruciating...just reading the words of your post brings it up. (((Hugs)))

  2. This have been something I've struggled with since learning about my biological family. I look nothing like my adoptive family. I don't act like them, I don't share a heritage with them. In fact, turns out my ancestors hates their ancestors. I can't pretend to be Irish/Italian when really I'm English/Portuguese. I can't pretend that I look like Great-Grandma Jenny when really I look like a combination of my biological parents.

    This was a great post. I look forward to reading more!

  3. Thank you. I feel so much better writing. My birth mother is lebanese, I turned out looking like my birth father. My great g-ma is a full blood Indian.

  4. Yes Peach, it is very painful. And whats more painful, my adoptive family doesnt quiet understand this part of adoption. They dont seem to get it. Family get togethers are very difficult. One of my biggest challenges was my parents 50th wedding anniversary. Think I will blog about that.

  5. Catherine, I'm sure I would feel bewildered. Disoriented. Lost. Alone. Alien. Apart. Freakish.
    Please keep writing.

  6. yep. thats exactly how I have felt over the years. and if I say how I feel, or bring up my feelings, I feel even worse because I am met with deaf ears or without understanding.

  7. And it doesn't matter how many people in the adoption community, hear and understand. We want those closest to us, the one's that ---say--- they love us, to hear and understand and accept our feelings and thoughts. Without that, we remain in a very painful place. What is so hard for them to accept and understand?

    What I've seen, it would require the crushing of their fantasy about adoption being the greatest most best-est thing on earth. It would require the destruction of the lies and myths they have deluded themselves with for decades. That's the only way all of us on the 'other side' will ever be allowed to claim our truth and our right to speak and be heard. Their lies and delusions keep us trapped in their lies and delusions. Not a happy place to be if you want to have a healthy relationship. But, they seem content to have a sick relationship no matter the cost or to whom.

    1. Its hard for me, even now age 52, to reply to you today. I think about who, in my family will read this? I dont want to upset anyone, or break their heart. But the reality is, who I am, is not accepted. They believe they have accepted it, and understand. But that is not so. If it were so, we'd be discussing my birth family, and who my children look like along side the discussions of who my sisters kids look like, when the discussion comes up. That doesnt happen, and if it does, I've been the one to comment, and what I received in response, is somewhat of a deer in headlights look on their faces. I'm losing hope this will ever happen, in my lifetime. I really doubt it will happen to be honest. Its ironic they look at my birth family as dysfunctional and some are mentally ill, yet so are many people in my (adoptive) family. So why are we better, or different? We are not. Just easy for them to say, we are better than they are. Its harsh, but its the reality of it. That lie that so many people tell themselves, that the birth mom is damaged, and they are better. Well, forcing a teen to give up her baby cannot leave a young girl in a mentally wonderful place in my opinion. I'd think if they were forced to give their baby away they may have ended up much worse. So what are we really doing here anyhow, throwing stones? Thats what I feel like we've been doing, all my life. I've been in the middle for 52 years and I will remain there for now. Maybe one day things will change, I will have the freedom to say and do as I please. The fear will be gone? Maybe?