I AM TITANIUM

"TITANIUM" - David Guetta  (song)  
I'm criticized but all your bullets ricochet
You shoot me down, but I get up
I'm bulletproof, nothing to lose
Fire away, fire away
Ricochet, you take your aim
Fire away, fire away
You shoot me down but I won't fall
I am titanium
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This is my song, I decided last night...  

This song is the grown up version of me skipping through the parking lot of Lucky's supermarket, on my way home, knowing I'm ready to be pounded for something I did not do, or for no reason at all.  In my head I hear my own voice clearly, I've blocked out the rest of the world as I skip chanting, "I'm a good girl, I'm a good girl, He's a bad man, He's a bad man."

Now as I hear this song so emotionally performed, not meaning literally shoot me, but metaphorically.   I cried on the way to my sisters house yesterday, on my way to celebrate my dads 87th birthday, realizing that my adoptive family has no clue who I am, how I feel, or what has really happened to me.  They dont really care, because they refuse to look it straight in the eye.  Admit to what has been said and done, their refusal makes them weak and because I have fought so hard, I am the strongest.  

They can keep shooting me down, but  I wont fall, dont they get it?  They cant destroy me, but they have  tried, I am too strong for all of them.   I will keep getting up, and I will continue to sort through what has happened so I can continue to be strong.  

Adoption, a word spoken so freely.  People hear that word and immediately they think  its good, warm and fuzzy, fairy tale worthy.  Does anyone really know what its like when adoption is not a success?   Do they know the truth of how it feels to be  abandoned by my supposed mothers, both birth and adoptive, again and again. Do they understand that even a woman, grown with her own grown children is still sitting here today typing to get her feelings out onto this blog so she can pull herself together after a family get together that has left her exhausted.  Do they know what its like growing up, wondering where these amazing people that loved me so much they gave me away, are?  Having a sister that was not adopted and seeing the differences that are nobodys fault, yet still hard to experience even as an adult.  Realizing that as an adoptee you will never have that feeling with anyone except your own children if you choose to have them.  That special bond, that a lot of adoptees miss out on with both mothers.  

As hard as this is to admit, it will be as hard to explain.  Im just now beginning to like myself.    My entire life has been searching, understanding, sorting, forgiving and accepting to finally be able to look in the mirror and see me.   I have not recognized myself in the past, thought myself to look and be someone different than I am.  I am guessing that is part of the fantasy I created, but its like looking in the mirror for 48 years, and seeing the back of someone's head.  Not really seeing into myself, or recognizing who I am.  I know I have always been strong, that I remember, but somehow through this process of adoption and life, I created some person I dont recognize in the mirror.  Maybe its the process of acceptance, that I will not have what I had hoped and dreamed of having for so many years.  Part of this fantasy, or maybe its just hope, that one day you wake up, and everything is OK, these feelings inside are gone.  Everyone is in sync.  It was all just a bad dream, and I woke up realizing I am just me, regardless of where I came from.