I've not blogged in awhile. I've turned 48, have my 26th wedding anniversary coming up next week. Have one child left at home. My life is wonderful with the exception of one little well kept daily secret. Is it a secret, really? Well, no, but it's not talked about or acknowledged. It's hushed by me, kept at bay. A secret as I walk through my days, one kept from myself usually and most people have no idea. Does it affect me daily? No. But its unearthed a lot. Simple things happen, things possibly someone that's not adopted wouldn't understand.
My dad is slowly dying . My sister is slowly understanding what I xperienced during my childhood , watching my dad regress back to his old self during this awful process. I find myself un cruelly explaining , yes, this is what I experienced with dad growing up while you were gone . It's pure hell. My sister is horrified. Im upset, because it makes me feel sick watching my dad regress into this person I dont like. My mom is still somewhat in denial, and my sister acknowledges and tells mom that she IS part of the problem! ha! I was floored when she told mom to stop it, and that when Cathy calls you dad can wait 2 minutes to get his food or his eye drops, and a lot of other things that still have my mouth propped open wide with shock. She finally gets it!
So my birth mom sent me an e-card for my birthday in June. All she had to say was a bunch of nonsense, after I politely asked her to ask the so called "brother" to STOP contacting MY children. Wow she's an ass. What would have happened if I was kept, wonder how she'd treat me now? The same way? Probably!
She sent me a text containing a photo of my brother , I didn't respond and then I got another text from her saying she sent it to me by mistake . Uh, yeah right! I wanted to respond and say, wow he looks 10 years my senior, not 10 years my junior! ha! I said nothing.
I honestly believe the only reason she has wanted me around is because she is the only person/family my so called brother has . Let me re-phrase what I just said, she wants me around so my so called brother can access my kids! Use us all, manipulate us, for whatever the reason. Yeah it's sad . I'm sorry for this. I wish it were different . But it's not. News flash, this so called brother of mine and so called uncle to my kids has spent the majority of our reunion causing us major drama and agony. He's more like our enemy. I've blogged about him a lot. I always have hope he will change.
I sent her email . I guess it wasn't very nice but it had to be said . Maybe I'll post it ?
At the same time this is happening my own mom scams me again. I trusted her and got what I deserved , I got burned. I guess this time I thought she had changed. Guess I was wrong. Hard lesson. And I didnt react the same way I would have reacted a couple of years ago. I was hurt, somewhat heartbroken about this. I recovered much faster than I would have before. I cannot trust her. I never could trust her, really. I just have to make sure I'm a trustworthy mother. Yeah, I know, I have 3 kids, and one of my kids is always twisting things around, so I know it can be hard. But you know, I'm 48 years old now, not 22 or 24. Why she continues to play games with me at my age, I will never understand. I dont know why she does this to me? Wish I understood.