Thursday, August 22, 2013


Days are going by, life is being lived.  I am happy, but without a mother.

I talk about loss of mother, not having a mother, and the desire to have one.  But why is it so important for a girl to have her mom:?  How does one walk through life without this special person?

I often wonder what it would be like to have that trust with your own mother.  To be able to speak with her and know she understands you.     Just once Id like to know how it feels for a mother to truly adore her daughter.  I just realized after typing this I have depersonalized this, using words such as "Your" "Her" --not mine, or my, or me.

I call my mom and we talk about things.  We go out to lunch, shopping, usually with my sister.  But I'm the 3rd wheel, and I am with my sisters mother, not mine.  We hug and I feel the disconnect.  It can never be repaired.   There is too much damage, too much hurt and loss involved.  As I have said before, I know my place.  I play the part, and I behave like a daughter.  Inside of my mind and heart, I feel the disconnection every time were together, I struggle to feel that click, that feeling of deep love and affection.  It never happens.

Today I feel the deep hurt of this situation.  This is how adoption has failed me personally.  Adoption has allowed me to lose 2 mothers.  The first I was taken from, given to another who was incapable of bonding with someone elses baby.  By the time the first one came back into my life, she too had no bond with me.  One cannot fake or force love and bonding with a child.  Regardless of who's child it is.  I dont exactly know when it happens, or how it happens.  That extreme love you feel for a child.  That feeling that you'd give your own life for,  walk into a burning house for, walk through hell for.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, so I should get over it.  Yup, I know.  Life continues to happen, the clock is ticking away,  years go by.  Nothing changes except for how I view life, my loss, my grief and how I will carry these feelings around with me daily.   I hate feeling this way.  I sometimes disgust myself for not being able to change how I feel.   I want to hug mom and feel that amazing feeling mothers and daughters have.  I want to feel special and adored by my mom.  I have worked so hard for so many years to achieve this, to feel that special feeling inside I know exists for so many gals out in the world.   I want to go to Hallmark and pick out an amazing Mothers Day card.  I stand there and read these amazing card, with tears dripping down my face as I try to hold it all inside to avoid a scene.  I leave the store without a card.  None of these amazing cards are true.  My mom has not been my best friend, someone I can trust and depend on.  A woman that protected me, adored me, and a woman I am proud of, and hold up high on a pedestal.  I go home, disappointed.  Find a picture, print it out and make my own card that allows me to say just "Happy Mothers Day" and sign my name.  Not even the blank cards with the special pictures of mothers and daughters is suitable.

Wow, I've never admitted this to anyone except my husband.  I've called him after trying to pick out a card hysterically crying, he thinking someone has died.  I'm ashamed of this.  And its amazing how painful this is for me every Mothers Day and even her birthday.    Why cant I make her love me the way she loves my  sister ?  What it is about me that is not lovable.  Do I look strange, am I not smart enough, or clever enough, or do I have the wrong opinions and ideals?

I guess inside of me, when I really get down to the bottom of things, I still feel like that little kid that nobody wants and has hand me down  clothes, a dirty face and disheveled hair.  The girl that is disposable and just not lovable.   I look in the mirror and see a 48 year old woman, but that little girl is still inside, hiding.   I hate this about myself.

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