DOES IT REALLY MATTER?

Does it pay to be cruel to others, to force them to see your truth?  Does it really matter if my family understands how I feel, about being adopted?   It will make me feel better, but I honestly do not believe it matters to them.

I have shown them pictures of extended family members, they look and dont have much to say, but not one has asked to see any pictures of anyone.   We were discussing family when I got together with my mom, her sister (my awesome aunt) and my sister.   I chimed into the discussion, as they were talking about having any sort of American Indian in their blood.  I said I could be part of a tribe, my great-great grandmother is full blood.  Its not that far removed.  Oh really, they said, and changed the subject.

People that want to know about adoption, they are the people that listen.   My parents generation, and even my sister who is 51 years old, they dont seem to give a hoot about how I feel, my experience, and in my opinion, the most shocking, they could care less about who I look like.

They are forced into discussion if I choose to talk about who I look like, or who my children take after.  I dont bring it up myself, I'm forced into it while the rest of my family is discussing who my sisters son and daughter take after, etc.  I sit there like an idiot, have no place in the conversation, and will chime in when I feel the time is right.  Their response, blank faces, no emotion, no comments.  And if there is a comment, its usually a negative one.  Um, I understand you all dont like my birth family, but then again, we really were not discussing if we liked them, were we?  Because last I checked, we were talking about how my sisters son looks like my dad, and hey, nobody likes our dad!   And plenty of the other relatives from my mom and dads side we didnt like!  We were just saying who looks like who, and I realize this makes them very uncomfortable when I say my son looks like grandpa Leo, from my birth family.

My point is, why forcing them to discuss this?  They dont care, and dont want to be educated.  They continue in their ignorance with happiness.  When I do bring up the dreaded discussion, im greeted with uncomfortable silence, unhappy faces, and negative words, if any are spoken.

So if I feel the need to talk about it, I talk to the good husband.  I start a sentence, and he practically finishes it for me.  He understands my point of view, he really gets it.  And that, is enough for me, and the only soap box I wish to be on.

I was right....the silence continues

I have not had a single response from birth mother since I contacted her.  Yes, she did respond to ME initially, but she has not contacted me on her own.   I am OK with this, because I dont feel the same about her as I used to.  I dont have the desire, but its interesting to see that I was right.  She was texting my aunt to get to me.  The texting has stopped.

My (adoptive) mom is still the same as well, this is just my lot in life.   I basically have no mom.  I call her mom, she acts as though she is my mom.  I am just some other woman's baby, that she has kept for 46 years.

A good example of this, was just last month when I was told at her birthday lunch with my sister.  She tells me, in this backwards sort of way, like she's terribly guilty of doing something wrong, and trying to tip toe around the subject.  She tells me that she went to an attorney to get her family trust fixed.  My dad was the first one on the list, but now that he's had a stroke and cannot speak, she has taken him off.  OK, I thought, this is a good idea.  Well here it comes.  She cleverly tells me that she drove all the way out to my town, and took my sister with her to see this attorney....oh, but your name is on the papers, it always was Cathy....     OK, so why in the heck did you not call me and tell me that you were coming all the way out to our neighborhood and why didnt you invite me to come along if you are saying I'm such an important part of this process?

I wonder if my mom has any idea how this makes me feel?  I have yet to tell her, but right now, writing this, I realize I have to call her out on it.  I'm 46 years old, not 9 years old.  And why am I not important enough to tell?  Better yet, why would they get together and not tell me, or invite me?  One can only think of one answer...and you know what that answer is, dont you!

I'm that baby, someone else's baby, she calls her daughter.  In reality, I'm just that.  I dont look like them, I am not important or trustworthy enough to be invited to attorney meetings to discuss my mothers trust.  My sister works all day long, so you know she planned this around her schedule.  Then why not at least invite me, let me know? 

So, that is the bottom line, I really feel this is true, regardless if mom never admits to it.  I'm someone else's baby, even though I am a grown woman, I am still treated like I am not quite as important as the birth sister and not trusted like her own child.  

Sad, really....