Belonging

I never belonged, not really.  If I had been a birth child I wouldn’t have experienced such heartbreaking circumstances as my mother died .  Belonging means your always included in everything .  Your opinion and feelings matter .  Nobody can tell me this is not true , I stood and watched it happen as my mom died .  I saw with my own two eyes what it means to really belong .  It’s a club I have never been part of , never belonged to ,  they all have this language they speak with one another , it’s a foreign language to me.  They have received unconditional love from my mom , all of them .  They have all been adored , accepted , tolerated when behaving badly or when they've made a mistake, forgiven .  They look at mom and see themselves in her eyes.   They have a connection I’ve never been able to achieve with my own mom.   I can guarantee this exists , when you are brutally honest with yourself and when you can actually be quiet long enough  and can openly observe the interactions between the blood related family , it’s very obvious.  I felt like I was in another universe as I watched this happen, and I have never felt so alone in my entire life .  

I reflected on the times I felt alone , going back to childhood I was alone , I can recall being 2 years old and knowing I was alone and I always felt lost.   As though any minute my family would be driving up to come get me . As my mother died , I have never felt so alone , so absolutely broken , and at that moment I felt like an intruder , disrupting another families loss of their mother and grandmother.  It almost felt like my sister was wanting me to leave , that was confirmed when the hired caretaker approached me and with this threatening tone of voice asked me if I needed to leave. I said , uh ….no & walked away from her as fast as I could .  This same woman asked me why I have never been involved with my mothers life ?  The same woman who was clearly fed a lot of lies one can only assume from my sister.  Not only was I alone , I was being threatened by this woman who had no idea what has happened within my family my entire life. 

I tolerated the most excruciating pain watching mom die , and the most cruel behavior via my sister .  I do not think what she has done to me can ever be forgiven. Some things are not forgivable .   This is one of those things, where she altered the experience I had with mom as she passed away .  I was ignored , silenced and was not free to give advice or my opinion about moms struggle in the end . My sister trusted these strangers she hired more than she did me .  Let me tell you some of these women were absolutely crazy , and my sister put more trust and faith in them then me ,  I honestly don’t even know how much this has damaged me yet as I am still trying to wrap my head around what a horrible person my sister really is . By definition I’d say she’s a monster.  . To befriend strangers and make them believe she’s taken care of mom alone all of these years as though I never existed .  To take credit for years of caring and time I spent with mom , she literally re wrote history and made these caretakers believe #1 that she was married , she’s been divorced for many years & her husband had to come back to live with her due to finances , #2 that she’s been taking care of mom alone, without my help .  I was literally written out of my family, poof…..I am gone as though I never existed. 

As my mom reached the end , I was told by my sister that she got to make all the decisions about mom , and that nobody would force her to change her mind .  Mom was clearly suffering , and I suggested she take off the oxygen , at that point I had already argued with my sister as she had refused to follow moms wishes , to give pain relief if she was nearing death. The hospice nurse had told her the oxygen was not necessary.  Of course drama Queen sister insinuated she was pulling the plug by removing the oxygen.  Again I had no voice and decided to keep quiet , luckily her son stepped up and said that’s ridiculous, taking off oxygen is far from pulling the plug mom !  My sister made it very clear this was her mother & I had no place in this family and I wasn’t free to give my opinion.  Trust me I have never felt the “difference” so clearly as I did when my mom was dying .  

What my sister has done can never be undone.  She has forever changed how I feel about her.  Where I used to give her the benefit of the doubt , I no longer do and I can barely tolerate to see her face or hear her voice .  I don’t think she even deserves to be called my sister.  To me she is the most hateful and jealous people I have ever met.  The sick part is , how she could lie to complete stingers to get false sympathy during the time mom was sick and dying .  These women believed her and to lie to people like she’s done is a form of serious  mental illness in my opinion.  The one caretaker came to moms funeral with roses for my sister , I said nothing but inside I was thinking ; this woman has no idea what a horrible person my sister is .  I have to walk away , and know my life is happy and accept that my family is the one I made with my husband of 35 years and counting .