Throughout this journey of sorting through my secrets, secrets that I kept from myself, apparently for most of my adult life, I have found that the world continues to spin, with or without mother. I love my life, my husband and my children.
Having said this, I have to be honest and say, that without the searching, and sorting, and blogging, I would not be able to say that I am this person, the happy woman with the cute husband and great kids. I wouldnt know that I was suffering, because I have hid this misery from myself for so many years. I pretended that I was not hurt, abused, and felt unloved by my family. Now, I know it is possible, to be a jerk and not know it. To be so confused inside that you dont know what your saying or doing. Its not as easy as saying, "Im over it" or "Your such a good person, and deserve better" or any of that mumbo jumbo. A light switch cannot be flipped, and all of a sudden you feel, OK.
Happiness and self love, and all that good stuff is attainable, through hard work. If you are an analytical person like I am, I think it may cause a little bit more suffering, and possible heartache. I always want an answer, an explanation, better understanding, of pretty much everything. I have found that not everyone is like me. But I am me, and this is how I work. So, you wanna get together for Christmas dinner and then make a nasty joke about some bastard kid, and adopted kid? Hmmm.....I'm going to have to figure out why you'd choose such a joke on Christmas, in front of me. I wont say anything, but I will be busy thinking, and wondering, are you just that stupid, or are you trying to diss me? Or are you just not really thinking about the fact that I am that bastard adopted kid, that struggled so many years to feel like she fit into this family? Maybe you just think of me as one of you, and see no difference? However, then why has it been asked, "Who is your mother, anyhow" --- by one of my teen relatives, who's name I will not mention. Lets just say she is my niece. Or better yet, during a family gathering, asking me to take a picture of 3 generations of women in the family, myself excluded? WTF? Oh, well, so be it. I get it, I dont look like you guys, but wait a minute, dont be such an ass hole about it. What else could it mean, excluding me? Did you forget I was the sister, the daughter, the aunt?