POSSIBLY A BIT STIFLED?

Well I have been reading other peoples posts about adoption in general.  I find myself having quite an opinion about adoption, but feel almost scared to voice it.

There is so much controversy, I'm afraid to speak my mind.  I wonder how many adoptee's feel this way?   

MOMMY ISNT COMING AND IM OK....

I used to set myself up, have these ideas as to what I wanted her to say and do in any given situation.  When she did not perform, I would be crushed.  This has gone on for years, even as recent as July of 2011.

She tells me she will help me, 500%, and then disappears, and is nowhere to be found.  She is not true to her word.  So many broken promises, so much betrayal.  She is a good person, just not a good mom to me.

In just one month, I've been brutally honest with myself.  I have exposed the child with a great big  fantasy.  In doing so, I have felt sadness at times, and I've had to sit down to realize why I am sad.  Have you ever just felt sad and didnt know why?  Well, I would guess these stupid fantasies I have kept up for over 40 years are not easy to destroy.

What is it about adopted children that make them create this mommy fantasy?  Is it because we are taken away from our mother at birth?   At a very young age, as young as 2, I remember feeling sad, feelings of waiting to be picked up, like the kid waiting to be picked up after school, only to realize she has been forgotten.    This has to come from somewhere.  Well, I sure have done a whopper of a job creating this mommy that does not exist.  Multiple mommies, both birth and adoptive mommies.

Im feeling possibly a bit embarrassed.   Im not a little kid.  I'm a grown woman, and I should have exposed this a long time ago.  But wow, is this painful.  Having to accept and face the fact that I do not have a mom.  She is not coming for me, nor is she waiting around the corner to take me to get ice cream.  She will not take me shopping the way I take my daughter shopping, we will not enjoy moments together as I have hoped and dreamed we would.  She will never give me hugs and kisses as I had dreamed she would these 46 years.   She will never look into my eyes with adoration and true love, like I've wanted her to.   The bond I hoped for is not there.  I can barely face this, and its just devastating.  Why do I keep going back for more disappointment?   I know why, its this stupid fantasy, that has kept me emotionally, around 5 years old.   Why does this hurt so much for a girl to not have her mom?   Where do I put all of this disappointment?

She is not coming for me, and I have to face this reality.  I have to give mom her real personality,  she has to measure up to who she really is, and I have to accept that she has betrayed me, left me, abandoned me in the past and at the current time.

I guess, from what my husband tells me, that I have this gift of giving out fake personalities, that my mom has always been this way, and I seem to make her into something else, so I would have to guess this fantasy has officially been exposed, for everyone to see, at least that is how I feel this morning.  I am exposing Cathy, age 46, emotionally around age 5 regarding mommy fantasy.  I promise to stop pretending, and be honest about who my mommy really is.  I have to accept that she does not exist.

life goes on without mother

Throughout this journey of sorting through my secrets, secrets that I kept from myself, apparently for most of my adult life,  I have found that the world continues to spin, with or without mother.  I love my life, my husband and my children.

Having said this, I have to be honest and say, that without the searching, and sorting, and blogging, I would not be able to say that I am this person, the happy woman with the cute husband and great kids.  I wouldnt know that I was suffering, because I have hid this misery from myself for so many years.  I pretended that I was not hurt, abused, and  felt unloved by my family.   Now, I know it is possible, to be a jerk and not know it.  To be so confused inside that you dont know what your saying or doing.  Its not as easy as saying, "Im over it"    or "Your such a good person, and deserve better"  or any of that mumbo jumbo.  A light switch cannot be flipped, and all of a sudden you feel, OK.

Happiness and self love, and all that good stuff is attainable, through hard work.  If you are an analytical person like I am,  I think it may cause a little bit more suffering, and possible heartache.  I always want an answer, an explanation, better understanding, of pretty much everything.  I have found that not everyone is like me.  But I am me, and this is how I work.   So, you wanna get together for Christmas dinner and then make a nasty joke about some bastard kid, and adopted kid?  Hmmm.....I'm going to have to figure out why you'd choose such a joke on Christmas, in front of me.  I wont say anything, but I will be busy thinking, and wondering, are you just that stupid, or are you trying to diss me?  Or are you just not really thinking about the fact that I am that bastard adopted kid, that struggled so many years to feel like she fit into this family?  Maybe you just think of me as one of you, and see no difference?  However, then why has it been asked, "Who is your mother, anyhow" --- by one of my teen relatives, who's name I will not mention. Lets just say she is my niece.  Or better yet, during a family gathering, asking me to take a picture of 3 generations of women in the family, myself excluded?  WTF?  Oh, well, so be it.  I get it, I dont look like you guys, but wait a minute, dont be such an ass hole about it.  What else could it mean, excluding me?  Did you forget I was the sister, the daughter, the aunt?