As time goes by and my birthday candles keep increasing, I realize there is one thing I cannot escape. There is no anger or resentment, only a bit of sadness left as I realize there is nothing I can do to change "what is."
Its a life sentence I have been given, a lesson to learn, again and again, and at times I feel I have mastered the whole mess! But some days, like today, it seems too large of a cross to bear, and I feel the strength I've built up, to escape the anger...weakening. I feel weak today. Something happens, a look in my moms eyes , a touch, a gesture, a small sentence spoken that makes my heart skip a beat. Time stands still, its like an out of body experience, everything is moving in slow motion, and I want to take a picture, and show them "this right here" is what I am missing. I don't get that same look, I don't get the same touch or gesture, or the deep love in that small sentence. So many people overlook, don't appreciate, or even recognize that "Belonging" is such a gift. The bond created when a mother gives birth, gets the privilege of keeping her baby is overwhelmingly different. Different than that bond of an adopted child. There really is a language they speak to one another, when the bond is not broken.
Nobody can tell me differently, if I could capture the moment, I would. I could show you, prove to the world I have been cheated. I deserve to allow myself to grieve, but I also deserve to never feel like this again. I don't want this feeling another day, another minute or even second of my life. But I also cannot deny the existence of what I see. I know that touch, I know that gesture, and the secret language that is spoken between a mother and her children. I experience that with my own children.
In time I will learn to accept what I cannot change.
